23
Emma, Present Day: FullCircle
Finnand I mingled with the family in a lighthearted afternoon of food and good company. I was understandably fidgety, knowing what I had to say and expecting the reactions to swing the pendulum of emotions. I left the group behind to use the bathroom, as I was doing a lot lately. Five and a half months along, and I was now really beginning to show. Thankfully the billowing shirt I’d worn hadn’t seemed to raise suspicions just yet. In the next few weeks, though, there would be no hiding; nor did I want to. I rubbed my belly and smiled into the mirror. I could hardly wait to meetmybaby.
Coming back through the kitchen, I found Mom standing at the counter cutting up fruit. Music from outside sounded through the open door, preventing her from hearing my approach. I stopped in my tracks as I took in her dreamy expression. Mom was peering out the window, watching her family with a happy smile on her face. Jake was right about her undying devotion to us. This had always been enough for my mother: her family, her children; and it was something I’d begrudged her for half of my life. Somehow I’d always thought if she’d loved us more, she wouldn’t have abandoned us in our time of need – but now I was finally realizing it was that undying love that had destroyed her in the firstplace.
“Oh, Emma!” She jumped. “Youstartledme.”
“Sorry.” I frowned, slipping onto abarstool.
“No need to apologize. I love thecompany.”
“You look happy,” Icommented.
She smiled. “I like it when everyone is together. I think in a former life I was probably one of those sheep dogs who are only happy when they’re herding everyone together. I can’t believe how fast the years go. You’re all grownupnow.”
“Does that make you sad?” Iasked.
Mom’s eyes filled with tears, but she smiled as she wiped them away. “It does and it doesn’t. I miss the younger years, but I love watching you all grow into the people you were meant to be. If you ask me, you’re all pretty damnawesome.”
I nodded, suddenly nostalgic, though I felt a bit unworthy of the devotion. I’d done very little for her in the past decade to reallydeserveit.
“Mom… are you disappointedinme?”
“What?” she blurted out, looking horrified I’d say such a thing. “Of course not. Why would you askmethat?”
“I guess because I would be if I were you.” My throat clenched as I fought to hold back the tears. “I haven’t been a very gooddaughter.”
My mother came around the counter and settled onto the stool next to me. Her hand gently touched my arm. “Emma, you know I adore you. Where’s thiscomingfrom?”
“It’s just… I have a lot ofregrets.”
“Oh, well, if that’s the issue, then get in line behind me. My regrets circle around theblock.”
“You have nothing toregret,Mom.”
“Please. I’m not naïve. I know what I’ve done – to you, to Kyle, to everyone, really. I have to live with those regrets because I can never take back the things I did and said. All I can do is try to make up for the terrible mistakesImade.”
“You did the best you could under thecircumstances.”
“No, I didn’t. I used to tell myself that, but now I know it was just a copout. I gave up, Emma. I gave up on Jake and you and everyone. Instead of fighting, I just abandoned you all. I was weak; devastated. I shudder to think what would have happened if we hadn’t gotten him back. I don’t think I would havesurvived.”
“No, I don’t think you would haveeither.”
The tears were freely flowing down Mom’s cheeks now, and I rounded the counter to get her a napkin. Mom dabbed at her eyes as I sat back down on mystool.
“I know I’ve apologized to you a hundred times, Emma, but I don’t think you’ve ever really heard me before. I want you to listen now. I’m sorry. What you did… the way you stepped up to fill a role that wasn’t yours… it was beyond what any sixteen-year-old girl should have had to shoulder. And I know that your experience has warped your views of love and family, and I take responsibility for that. I genuinely wish my shortcomings hadn’t affected you the way they did. I love you and only want the best of everything for my little girl.” Mom stopped to gather her emotions and then continued. “So to answer your earlier question – no, I’m not disappointed in you, and I never have been. My concern for you has always stemmed from my own guilt. I just desperately want you to have a fulfilling life, something I fear I’ve robbedyouof.”
We both sat quietly on the barstools, staring out the window at all the people we loved. My mother had always put us first, and nearly died in the process; but look at what she had to show for it now. We were moving forward, and her and dad’s commitment was what had carried us through. I’d been blaming my mother for being weak when it was her strength that had kept us together. Maybe carrying a child of my own had finally opened my eyes to the sacrificesshe’dmade.
“I’m going to have a baby, Mom,” I whispered. “I’m five monthsalong.”
I could feel her shock. It was hanging in the air, electrified. Her eyes were on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet them withmyown.
“I’m just… are you okay? I know you’ve never wanted children. Emma, lookatme.”
Slowly I liftedmyeyes.
