“How are you feelingaboutthis?”
I set my hand on my stomach. “I’m scared. I don’t know if I have it in me to be the mother…” I stopped, choking up. “To be the motheryouwere.”
My mom burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her and we both cried. She’d suffered so much but had pulled herself out of hell and kept our family together. Instead of resenting her, I should have been hailing her for the incredible role model she truly was. My mother was strong and loving and loyal. She was who I wantedtobe.
“I’m sorry, Mom. The way I’ve treated you. I was so angry. What happened to Jake… to all of us. I was just so angry, and I needed someone to blame. You were the easiest target. I knew I could hurt you, so I did. If it’s any consolation, it never made me feel better. I know now you tried your best and really… you were, are, an amazing mother. And dad. He’s my hero. You raised six healthy, happy children, and after everything we went through, that’s nothing short of amiracle.”
Mom straightened up, wiping away her tears. “Thank you, Emma. You have no idea what that means to me. And just so you know, it’s perfectly normal to have fears about motherhood. When I was pregnant with Keith, I had dreams that I kept him in an aquarium and fed him fish food; so yeah, I guess you could say I was nervous about the type of mother I’d be too. But the moment you hold that baby in your arms, all your questions will be answered. Ipromise.”
I lay my head on her shoulder and she stroked my hair. Kyle walked in, took one look at our teary faces, and made an about-face and hightailed it out of the kitchen. We bothlaughed.
“Such a guy,” Mom said, shaking her head. “He acted like we were about to tie him up and dip him head first into a big, gooey pot offeelings.”
I lifted my head, chuckling at my mom’s very accurate assessment of Kyle’shorrifiedface.
“Does Finn know?” sheasked.
“Yes.”
“How does he feel aboutthebaby?”
“Oh, you know, he’s loving the whole thing… can’t wait. Obviously it was a huge shock for both of us, but we’re committed to this baby and determined to give him or her agoodlife.”
Mom smiled, gazing out the window. Finn was playing a game of one-on-one with Keith on the basketballcourt.
“And what about the two of you? You seemhappy.”
“We are.It’sjust… “
“What?”
“I don’t know if I told you, but we broke up for a while. I knew it was his dream to be a father, and I felt I wasn’t the woman to give that to him. How ironic now, right? He was totally committed to our relationship, and I really hurt him. And when I knocked on his door two months later, offering him everything he’d ever wanted, Finn dropped it all to take me back. But sometimes I can just feel his hesitation. I’m not sure he fully trusts me, and it makes me worry he’s only staying forthebaby.”
“Oh, Emma, you’re the wild card, not him. Finn’s in love. He wears it on his sleeve. The way he looks at you with blinders on, like you’re the only girl he sees. Every mother wants that for her daughter. All you have to do is love him back with that same intensity, and he’s allyours.”
“I dolovehim.”
“And you tell him that? Allthetime?”
“I…well… maybe not as much as I should. I think I’m subconsciously still trying to protectmyself.”
“You can’t fully love if you don’t give all of yourself. If you want my opinion, I think you’re over-analyzingthings.”
“You think?” I laughed. “Huh. That’s notlikeme.”
Mom grinned, then hugged me again. “Believe it or not, falling in love is the easy part. Just let yourself go and enjoy it because from time to time, real life will come along with some punishing blows and knock you on your ass. The more love you have surrounding you, the more cushion you have when you fall. Your father and I have weathered some gnarly plunges. If we hadn’t had that strong foundation from the start, we never would havemadeit.”
“I want that for Finnandme.”
“From what I can see, you already have it. The battle has been fought and you’ve won. Your prize is right out there waiting for you. All you have to do is relax, take a few deep breaths, and go claim him. Not for Finn, not for your baby, but for you… because, my beautiful girl, youdeserveit.”
* * *
After Momand I carried out the food, I sought out Finn. He was sitting comfortably with the boys, discussing basketball. The fact that he had so easily blended in with my family was not lost on me. I could imagine us, wrangling our toddler, surrounded by family. Mom was right. I was in control. I could make it happen if I just opened myself up to the possibilities. Finn caught my eye, looking concerned.You okay?he mouthed. I nodded, smiling as I made my way over to him and perched on the edge of his chair. I put my arm around his shoulder and he reached up to touch my hand as he gazed up at me with that look my mother said she saw in him. She was right – our future depended on me letting go of my hang-ups and allowing myself to love. If I wanted Finn, I had toshowhim.
Leaning down, I cupped his face in my hands, and said, “I love you” before pressing my lips gently to his. Surprised at first, Finn recovered quickly and peppered me with tiny kisses. Yes my family was watching, and yes it was a display of affection I wouldn’t normally approve of, but I wanted him to know it wasn’t just the baby Iloved.
“Eww, Emma,” Quinn complained, “Ijustate.”
