Hoping to ease him back into the normal life of a teenager, Mom and Dad had thought that returning him to the familiar environment of the middle school would prove less of a shock then dropping him directly into high school as a freshman thefollowingfall.
Keith had been the biggest vocal opponent of Jake’s return to school, followed close behind by Kyle. Perhaps they could see the writing on the wall, or maybe they just understood how cruel boys that age could be toward a broken soul. But Mom and Dad thought they had that covered. Before the crime that rocked his world, Jake had had a close set of friends, ones who were ready and willing to help make his school transition an easy one. And that, in a nutshell, was what my parents had been banking on when they made the decision to send him back in the first place. Perhaps they’d envisioned a cocoon of safety surrounding him; but what they hadn’t foreseen was that Jake himself would sabotage the entireoperation.
See, he had no intention of rejoining the old friend group and instead spent his first days actively avoiding them. And when they did find him and tried to engage, Jake reacted with the coldest of shoulders. Eventually he got what he wanted – a table to himself in the far corners of the cafeteria where he could wallow in the depths of his despair. Kyle was always there, staying a safe distance while still within range if he were ever needed, but Jake had long since cut our little brother out of his life. The rejection had scarred Kyle as much as the wounds he’d received from Ray. But he was nothing if not loyal, and never once abandoned Jake, even when he’d not been afforded the samecourtesy.
Isolated and vulnerable, Jake left the door open for bullies to get a foothold. After only a couple of weeks, he was coming home with bruises all while steadfastly refusing to rat out the culprits. It was almost as if Jake welcomed the fists. There was no fight left in him. He did what he was told without protest. Kyle, of course, did not subscribe to Jake’s apathetic ways and spent more time home on suspension for fighting than atschool.
Jake’s final day came two months later when an altercation in the boy’s bathroom woke him up and he rained fury down upon his tormentors. It took three teachers to pull him off, and two bullies were sent home battered and bruised. Had he been anyone else, Jake would have been expelled; but because of his special circumstances, my brother was given a one-week suspension. Which turned into three when he refused to return, and then into an epic battle of wills with our beleaguered parents. In the end, Jake won the fight, resumed homeschooling, and returned our frazzled household to ‘normal.’
It was during this time that music returned to the McKallister home. Once such a common sound in our musical family, the beautiful melodies had stopped the day Jake disappeared, and no one had thought to pick up an instrument since. But part of the deal Jake had made with our parents in order to resume his stay-at-home studies was that he would promise to begin practicing again. The day Mom dragged him to the piano was one I’d never forget. I was in my room when I heard those first few notes, and as if it were a beacon of light on the horizon, I followed itslifesavingbeam.
Peeking into the family room, I saw Mom and Jake sitting side by side at the piano. She was coaxing him to play, but he was a wounded soul in need of guidance. I watched as her fingers pressed over his and they played a song together. The sight was so sincere and profound that I backed out of the room to give them the moment in private. Instead, I sat with my back against the wall, silent tears of relief and joy streaming downmyface.
“That song you were playing yesterday,” I addressed Jake under my bed tent, “the one you played over and over, whatwasit?”
“It was nothing – just something Imadeup.”
“That’s not nothing, Jake. It was beautiful. You’ve always been so talented. I thought the music was helping you cope. What happened today? Why did you try to killyourself?”
“Because nothing can cure me, Emma. I’mdoomed.”
“Why do you say that? You didn’t do anythingwrong.”
“You have no idea whatIdid.”
I saw something then, deep in his shattered gaze:shame.
“Tell me. That wasthedeal.”
The silence lasted so long I assumed this conversation would be like all others… lots of stress with no resolution in sight. But Jake surprised me with the first bit of honesty I’d heard since hisreturn.
“That day,” – he spoke so low that I had to lean in to hear him – “when he took me and dumped me in that room, I wasn’t alone. I didn’t know it at first because Ray was such a fucking nightmare, you know. I was just focusing on staying alive. But when he finally left me alone for a few minutes, I saw him, in a cage… cowering awayfromme.”
“A boy?” I asked, wide-eyed and disbelieving. How had this nevercomeout?
“No,adog.”
“A dog?” I repeated, still reeling from the information dump I wasreceiving.
“Ray had picked him up at the pound a week before, starved him, abused him. By the time I got there, the little thing was as traumatized as I was. He was this small terrier mix. Ugly, with coarse fur, and all folded up with his tail between his legs. He shook so hard I thought he’d stop his own heart. I tried talking to him, but he growled if I got near. It took a few days, but I finally coaxed him from the relative safety of the cage, and we bonded. I even gave him a name – Glen. In honor of dad’s stupid pet names,youknow.”
I nodded and smiled sympathetically toward him. I already knew where this story was going and that it would not end well for poorlittleGlen.
As if acknowledging my fears, Jake misted up before continuing. “I never thought I’d see any of you again. Glen became my world, and I loved him more than you could ever imagine. He was there for me during the worst of times. He tried to protect me, Emma – snapping at Ray, even biting him a couple of times. But see, that’s what he wanted. Glen wasn’t brought there to be my friend. He was brought there to be a pawn in this elaborate mind game Ray was playing with me. The whole point was for me to love the dog so he could then be ripped from my life like everyone else I everloved.”
Everything was falling into place. Or so I thought. How could I have known the deprivation ran so much deeper than my innocent mind could ever havefathomed?
“He used Glen against me, delivering ultimatums – him or me. I tried so hard to save him. I sacrificed myself, took the pain so he wouldn’t have to, went without food so he could eat, but I knew… I knew the day would come when I couldn’t protect himanymore.”
Jake took a moment to draw air into his lungs. He was shaking from the sheer force of the memories sweepingthroughhim.
“None of this was your fault,” I said, in a weak attempt to ease his sadness. “You did your best. You have no reason to feel guilt and no reason to punish yourselfoverthis.”
“You don’t understand, Emma. Ray didn’t kill Glen.” Jake dipped his head, a sob escaping him. “Idid.”
It took a minute to recover from his admission, but when it finally hit home, I burst into tears. I hadn’t even known Glen, and yet I’d become fully invested in that little dog who’d loved my brother enough to try to protect him from amonster.
“It got worse every day… the choices I had to make to save him. I knew at some point I wouldn’t be strong enough to put Glen first. The dog was going to die; it was just a matter of when and how much he was going to suffer. Do you understand, Emma? I had to do it. I couldn’t let him have my dog. I owed Glen that much. So I did it. I killed him. And when he died, sodidI.”
