Knox huffs a laugh. “You’re right. Go strap this motherfucker. For Dot.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m 90 points.
For Dot.
Chapter 40
Jessie
“There are sandwiches, pasta salad, and some pastries,” I hear Lainey’s voice floating from my kitchen.
I’m on the couch with Kacey next to me. Her red-rimmed eyes are slightly swollen. Cody and Chet sit at the kitchen table, and Carson leans on the counter. Everyone came to my house after the hospital. Cody handled everything—Gran never told me she had asked him to be the executor of her estate, but I’m grateful for it. There is no one else I would want to help me through this.
I start a mental list of all the things I need to do. Meet with the funeral home, order flowers, write her obituary . . .
I can’t breathe.
I force myself to take one breath, then another. I feel like I’m going to throw up. How do I do this? This isn’t fair. I should be sitting at her table, eating cookies fresh out of the oven, while she tells me the latest gossip in her bingo group. Not thinking about writing her obituary.
“Here. You should eat something.” Carson hands me a plate with half a sandwich on it.
I nod and place it on my lap.
It tastes like dirt, but I eat the sandwich. Because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I accept condolences from Chet and Lainey. Because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I nod and agree to meet Cody at the funeral home tomorrow.Because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
I don’t melt down again. I don’t lean into Kacey for comfort. I don’t even cry.
Gran is gone, and my world has stopped spinning. She was my gravity, my north star, every good thing about me came from her.Who will I be without her? How do I live a life without her?
I shut my phone off earlier, but Kacey’s vibrates. I’m sure it’s Knox. She stepped out to call him earlier. I wonder if he told Trey.
Oh no. Someone needs to tell Trey.
I can’t do it. He loved spending time with Gran, and she loved him. They were supposed to have burgers and shakes when he returned in a month. I can’t bring myself to say his name, to ask Kacey to make sure he knows. Knox will tell him; I know he will.
I wish he was here.
I wish they’d all leave.
I know it’s wrong. These people love me and want to be here for me. It’s kind. But the only two people in the world I want right now are gone, one taken from me with no warning and the other pushed away by my own fear and desire to protect him.
I’m surrounded by people I love and still I feel completely alone.
I shake my head, to physically rid myself of the thoughts. I have things I need to do, and I’d rather be numb than feel heartbreak and loneliness.
I continue with my mental list. I’ll need to check her house—they said they found her on the kitchen floor. They told me she felt something was wrong and called 911 herself, but it was a massive heart attack. No matter how quickly they could have gotten there, there was nothing they could do. No doctor, no surgery could’ve saved her.
I want to water her flowers, keep her window boxes looking nice until winter. The window boxes Trey built her. I glance at my phone. I wonder if he’d answer my call. Probably not. He sounded so hurt on the phone when he snapped at me to ask him myself if he’s okay. I practically had a panic attack when that bull crushed him and then dragged him around the arena. I shouldn’t have had Kacey call him, but I was so worried about him, I had to hear his voice, and I didn’t know whether he’d answer my call.
Chet and Lainey leave first, followed by Carson who hugs me tightly before he leaves. Poor Carson—he hates hugs, and I’m pretty sure he’s hugged me more in the last month than my entire life.
“Do you want me to stay?” Kacey asks as Cody finishes putting the leftovers in my fridge.
“No. I’m okay. Go home, get some rest.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I’m going to shower and head to bed.” It’s not a lie. I need to scrub this day off my skin, but I doubt sleep will come anytime soon.
