‘But you want to?’
‘I’ve cocked it up.’ I shrug my shoulders. Kevin knows how I feel, he’s been subjected to torrents of emotion about how I’ve been a twat, hurt a man I should have cherished, listing the reasons he is theonlyman I could consider breaking all my old behaviours for, and so on. And on and on and on and on.
‘Are you ready, love?’ I hear Dan shouting through the front door.
‘Go, I’m going to get changed and I’ll be right behind you. You’ve got this,’ I tell him.
‘I know,’ he says. ‘I hope so, anyway.’ He says that more falteringly. He heads to the door and kisses Dan hello and then turns back to me.
‘You better decide what you want to do about Jay because Dan and I love him even if you don’t.’
‘The thing is I do. You know I really do. But there’s nothing I can do now.’ I shrug my shoulders and wish we were talking about anything other than this.
‘Well then, it’s a good thing I messaged him earlier and told him it wouldn’t be the same without him. I don’t crawl across grass with just anyone, you know.’
‘What have I told you about interfering!’ This time though I am not knocked sideways by a wave of dread; instead it is a little puddle in my tummy, mingled with something else I don’t recognise. Hope?
‘What have I told you about how youneedme to interfere in this case? I know you. I know you’re wrong about this, you’ve just admitted it and I don’t think it has all played out just yet. And I know about true love.’ He motions his head towards Dan, who is waiting patiently on the steps.
‘Did he answer? What did he say?’ My stomach is flip-flopping. Am I going to have a chance to apologise? I don’t think I have the words to show how much I regret my behaviour the other week. What if I mess it up, again? Anyway, surely he’s said thanks but no thanks. ‘What did he say?’ I repeat, trying to stay nonchalant.
Kevin scrunches his face. Oh shit, I knew it, I knew it! It’s better if he doesn’t come.
‘He took some persuading and honestly, I’m not sure if he will make it but...’
Dan stands on tiptoe and shouts from behind him. ‘The man is no fool.’ He winks and grabs Kevin’s hand. ‘Come on, gorgeous, we need to get you there so you can run through one last time fussing, panicking, and driving us all crazy. And you –’ he tiptoes again ‘–youcan thank us later!’
Chapter Forty
Lily
Ihave made up for my dialled-down outfit from earlier and I’m now all-out flamboyant in the dress I bought especially for tonight, and especially for Jinx. She is going to love it. I have kept it a secret simply because I know the mere sight of a sequin sends her into a tailspin of happiness and this little beauty is made entirely of sequins, creating a peacock effect. It is the most bling outfit I have ever owned. Ever. It is also so short and tight, the hem mere centimetres from my groin. And I love it. It makes me feel super confident and I am going to whip upallthe dancing and happiness tonight to help secure Jinxy's rightful place on her throne.
I arrive at the bar with my heart beating in anticipation. My heart has felt frantic ever since Kevin said he has been messaging Jay. What if Jay is already here? I have been running through things in my head, practice conversations, but nothing I can think of is enough to apologise for the she-demon I was the last couple of times I have seen him.
I step out of the Uber and take a deep breath, looking at the rainbow flags fluttering by Chrysalis. He won’t turn up. Why would he?
As I am about to enter, I have one of those shivers-up-your-back moments and I shudder. My nan used to say that someone had just walked over her grave. That. I know it’s just nerves, it must be nerves, but at the same time something makes me take a step back and look up and down the street.
I spot Jay. Is it Jay? Can it be? I recognise the way he holds his body, the way he moves with each step. I have been thinking of him every waking moment – and the non-waking ones too – for weeks now – is this wishful thinking? The man is walking purposefully towards the bar and is in black tie. Each footstep brings him closer until I can see it is him. It really is. He’s come!
I bite my lip and start to fidget with my dress, pull down the hem, and then, worried I’m misshaping it, pinch it up at my shoulders. I try to run through some of the things I had prepped on the way over but my mind is blank.
Blank! Completely blank. Like black. Dark. Nothing.
I let out a deep breath, and then need another. He seems to be slowing down and I will him to speed up, get here, get this over with. My stomach feels empty, my legs feel hollow and I am lightheaded. I dig my feet into my shoes, pushing the heels into the pavement. Tethering myself.
He’s here. It can’t go that badly, can it? If he’s here thathasto be a show of willing. Oh, but what if he is here for some kind of humiliating public revenge? The thought barrels into my brain and it takes a huge effort to push it out again.
No, Jay is here because he’s a good man who keeps his word, he is heredespiteme, not because of me.
I watch his face as he approaches. What is he thinking? Is he pleased to see me? I watch as he realises I am standing waiting for him and I’m relieved to see a smile creep across his face as he tries hard to contain it, to keep his cool.
That has to bode well, doesn’t it? I don’t expect him to forgive me, but I know that smile: that is the smile of a thousand teenage crushes. If he is pleased to see me, that is great, even if we never get back onto a romantic footing.
He would be right not to want to date me any more – I mean,I’dadvise him against it – and I’m fairly sure rudeness, insensitivity and physical assault are not qualities high on his mythical mother-to-be list. But if we could be friends again, work alongside each other with a smidge of camaraderie, then that would give me something to build on, allow me to prove myself over time.
He’s getting closer and I’m panicking again about what I’m going to say.
