Sorry. It just needs to be as simple as sorry. For now, sorry is a start.
He reaches me and stops, I stand on the pavement, facing him, waiting for him, and I’m reminded of how I moved my foot to his in Jinx’s dressing room, how he reciprocated.
I manage to give him a smile, a timid smile. The fear must be written all over my face. I open my mouth to start my apology and nothing comes out. I give him another shy smile and try again. Nada.
But it seems okay; he is sliding me a little shy smile hello too. Mine would quite like to morph into awould-you-look-at-us-both-so-attuned-we-are-arriving-at-the-same-time-maybe-we-should-get-marriedgrin but I rein it in.
I’m not convinced his is saying the same. It’s hard to decode and my confidence that he had been fighting a smile from the minute he saw me has disappeared.
Seconds pass as we look at each other but they feel like aeons. If he could only be telepathic, that would definitely help. I try and channel all my apologies through my eyes.
‘You look beautiful.’ His first words are simple as he looks at me. Suddenly I feel ten foot tall. This man findsme beautiful! Even after having seen me at my most horrific, emotionally and physically. That has to be a good thing, surely? I feel myself blushing. I hardly everblush!
‘You look pretty amazing yourself,’ I say. And it’s true. He has gone full on dapper tonight and looks very James Bond. It is at complete odds with his usual garb but seems utterly fitting for today. He looks like every romantic hero ever and I may well become a dribbling wreck before we’ve even got through the door. Although I suppose I should be grateful my voice seems to be working again.
‘Thank you.’ He says it simply and then waves his hand towards the entrance, when suddenly we hear a piercing whistle and turn in unison to see Chloe, Megan and Ellie teetering along the street.
I know I still need to say sorry, explain myself, maybe hurl myself at his feet and beg a bit, but none of that seems appropriate in front of the girls. I’m not sure whether to feel grateful or resentful about their arrival.
We wait for them to reach us, our hands dangling by our sides, every bit of me wanting to reach out and curl my fingers into his. I find myself having to pull my hand away as my fingers edge towards his, independently of my brain.
‘A’ight,’ they all nod as they approach. ‘Thought we’d come down here and see this for ourselves. Gotta love drag. If your mate wins this she might be on next season’s Ru Paul.’
‘Maybe.’ I smile. ‘Good to see you girls.’
‘And yeah, we know, we promise not to drink,’ Chloe says to Jay, aware that their presence may make things a little awkward for him.
‘You best believe it, we know the bar staff,’ he retorts. ‘Come on then.’ He waves again and we all enter the room together.
It is already packed and Dan is on the decks playing tunes to get everyone pumped. I haveneverseen it this busy before; the whole place is alive. There are all the regulars dressed in their absolute best and I can spot the neon T-shirts of the community centre’s choir cast.
Phyllis is up on stage with the three judges for this evening, all gathered by the gold-painted mdf judging panel that they will be sitting behind. One is a journalist from the local news, one of those women who is so lovely and smiley that everyone wants to be her friend. Then there is Urethra Shankin, a drag queen with a similar story to Phyllis’s but based in London. She adores playing the villain and has been judging Drag Factor since its inception. Finally, there is James St-John Aubyn, an actor who rose to prominence as a teenager in theCarry Onfilms and has been a vocal ally of the LGBTQ community ever since. The four of them are cackling evilly, the newsreader doubled over, she is laughing so much. I watch as she grabs hold of the mdf to support herself and it wobbles dramatically, which sets them all off again.
As Jay and I head towards the bar, Olive whizzes past us – on rollerskates – in a pair of black velvet hotpants with different coloured velvet hearts patched onto her bottom, and fishnets on underneath. She is carrying a tray of cocktails and stops to kiss Jay on the lips and asks him something about Cass. I don’t hear his answer but it reminds me that I haven’t asked directly about his sister. That’s the trouble with overwhelming lust, endless introspection and an overwhelming need to apologise, they can make you a little bit selfish.
We grin as she zooms off, freezing as she sees Phyllis from her position on stage catch sight of her. Eek, roller-skates surely have to be a no. But instead of waving her cane in fury, Phyllis beams across and blows a kiss. Of course, she and Olive are friends. I would never have put the two together before but now I have, it makes perfect sense.
‘I owe you so many apologies but first, how is Cass, is she okay?’ I ask.
‘Something is going on and I’ve promised to back off and trust her but it’s not really easy. Then she messaged earlier and told me she needed me to meet her down here later.’
‘It’ll be great to see her. I hope everything is okay though.’ He flashes a half smile at my words and I know he has all sorts of emotion resting on her turning up. I also know now why he has turned up this evening. I resolve to make sure I am not just here to scream for Jinx but to keep a watchful eye on Jay as well, in case Cass doesn’t manage to make it and he immediately imagines the worst-case scenario.
We head to the bar together and get our drinks. He turns to me. ‘I’d best be getting on. It was nice to see you though, Lily.’
Argh, of course he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I shouted at him for leaching into all of my life, for a start. I still haven’t managed a proper ‘sorry’ and I’m not sure it’s a conversation that should be shouted over music. I want him to be able to hear every word – once I’ve worked out exactly what they are.
‘Okay, but I’m about to go find Jinxy, I know she’d love to see you. Come with me?’ Before he can answer we hear shouting, even with the tunes playing.
‘No! Just no! I’m not having it.’
I exchange a look with Jay, who scrunches his face up in alarm and shrugs his shoulders and follows me as I prepare to head backstage to see what is going on.
Just as I turn though, I feel before I see Jay break out into a massive grin as Cass enters the club. She is weighed down by three huge, huge bags that look like they hold a lifetime in them and a big grin is on her face. She ambles towards us, deliberately going slowly, lifting each leg in turn and placing them down as if she is in slow motion. I can see Jay arching his brow wryly whilst working really hard not to run towards her.
She looks as if she has just been let loose in a candy store, such is the grin on her face once she reaches us, although she does flick me a little bit of side-eye before turning back to her brother. ‘So you know that whole I’ll-do-anything-for-you-little-sister thing?’ she says, her bags swinging and looking like they may knock her over any minute.
‘Yes,’ says Jay. His tone is a little Herman Munster but joy is dancing out of his face.
