‘There’s been a misunderstanding, it’s just me.’
‘Ah, that is a shame. Is he marriage material?’ Chih-hao winks and I petrify. I’m trying to think of a way to say I am not likely to see him any time soon whilst paying respect to Jay and acknowledging that yes, he is, just not for me.
The doorbell goes and I breathe again. A distraction. Hallelujah! Kevin jumps up, a flash of something indecipherable on his face but it certainly doesn’t look like he is relaxing as I am beginning to.
He does a big-eyedhelplook at me as Dan enters the room with a large bottle of single malt whisky, wearing his very neatest clothes, and my heart wants to melt. There isn’t a skull or a chain in sight and the four of us sit swilling Chih-hao’s favourite spirit in large-bottomed glasses as the sun sets and Dan and Kevin sing, and play, a variety of duets on the piano and I realise why they have been spending so much time on the piano recently. All the prep hasn’t just been for Drag Factor; Dan has been tutoring him so he can play for his parents. The knowledge of that melts my soul as the liquor coats my throat and warms my body and I look around the room watching Chih-hao tap along with the music on his glass with real pleasure, while Shu-feng’shmmms are reminiscent of a blissed-out cat.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Lily
Ihave taken Chih-hao and Shu-feng to Redcliffe Caves and listened whilst Chih-hao talked and talked. I also watched Shu-feng ram at least six caramel bars in her mouth – sideways and whole – whilst he did so. It’s been pleasant enough but all I have been able to think about is Jay, and how he could have been here with us had I not been such a twat. How he would have giggled at Shu-feng’s stealth snacking, and chatted away with Chih-hao about things this city is famed for.
I have spent the day watching the way these two work together, how Chih-hao wordlessly guides her over the uneven bits of floor in the caves, how Shu-feng nods as he speaks, never once growing tired of it, stroking his arm when he gets excited. Their love for each other shines through all that they do and it reinforces the pangs I am feeling. I could have had this, and the more I see it, the more I recognise I might be happy with this life. Happy waking up every morning with a man who turns my insides out.
Watching them makes me think I’d like to give it my best try.
How I fretted that the sex would ever become boring I don’t know. This couple in front of me build each other up all the time and I wonder if my work focusing on couples who have been tearing each other apart has impacted what I think relationships are.
Chih-hao and Shu-feng are a very timely reminder that finding your one can be pretty special.
As we drove through the city they have excitedly pointed out every Pride poster in the city. I swear they have not missed one and I’m feeling bad as I drive them to the Hippodrome for an evening show that Kevin bought them tickets for.
I’m not convinced it’s where they want to be. But regardless of my Sherlock-like belief that these two want to be involved in the very sort of event that their son is competing in this evening, I am not going to force this one tonight.
Tonight has to be about Jinx and what makes her secure.
I let them out of the car, assure Chih-hao that this is the same show as the one their friends saw in London’s West End and remind them a taxi will meet them outside afterwards to take them on to a restaurant for a post-show tasting menu.
I race back to the house to shimmy myself into my dress for tonight, gallop up the steps and let myself in.
‘Arggggh, my eyes! They burn. I hope to God that’s not what you’re wearing tonight. Who are you? Where’s my real flatmate?’ Kevin is in the hallway about to leave and I let out a laugh. I’m so pleased I have caught him. Although I don’t blame him for the revulsion.
I had left the house today in a bodycon dress and heels before I realised that I don’t need to dress like this all the time. That yes, it makes me feel good but the last thing I want right now is approving glances from random men. The man whose eyes I want to see light up with approval, with desire, is the very man whose heart I torched but two weeks ago. Only his.
Bumbling around caves with my best friends’ parents didn’t need me to be peek-sleek and it was more sensible not to wear kitten heels to a place with uneven flooring. Especially as my feet have a lot of dancing to do tonight.
So, very proud that this was ushering in a more mature Lily, a more confident, intrinsically motivated Lily, I had run back into the house and changed into jeans, a T-shirt and flats. And not for a fitness class.
It would seem my flatmate does not approve.
‘Be proud. I am new, streamlined, doesn’t-give-a-shit-about-shallow-bollocks-Lily.’
‘Did aliens kidnap you in the night?’
‘Something like that.’ I smile in reply, if intermittent and fevered dreams or long periods of wakeful self-flagellation are aliens. ‘Anyway, enough about me, I have a dress you’re going to love. Fear not, new doesn’t-give-a-fuck me is getting left at home for this evening. You will have glam Lily, in a dress so short it flashes her cervix, shouting her support tonight.’
‘Glad to hear it.’ He purses his lips in the hallway mirror and turns his face from side to side, chin up.
‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘You can lend me that lipstick I love. I’m having second thoughts about mine and yours could be perfect. I’m gonna need to try it with my outfit.’
‘Consider it yours.’ I rummage in my handbag and present it with a flourish. ‘Anything else?’
‘Have you spoken to Jay?’
‘No, I can’t, you know. Can’t.’
