So instead, I double down rather than backtrack about oversharing. ‘There’s such preconceptions in our society about dating. We are brought up to assume that women want to settle down and find The One, that that’s what we’re programmed for –’ I take a breath and he nods at me, encouraging me to continue ‘– but that’s not me. I don’t want to settle down, get married and have kids. Sure, I can see the appeal of finding the right person, of course I can. I spend most of my working day helping people find, or in some cases keep, the person they want to spend the rest of their life with but for me that’s not what I see in my future. I like one-night stands, I like the excitement, the freedom from commitment, that nerve-tingle of first attraction, and I’m really grateful that in today’s world we are beginning to grasp that I am not an oddity, I’m not a freak. That I can be enjoying sex for sex’s sake, especially as a woman in my thirties. It’s about time that the world accepts that women like sex as much as men, that our sexuality, our appetites and our preferences aren’t a matter of gender. I have lost count of the amount of women I have had to reassure over the course of my working life that there is not something wrong with them because they have a higher sex drive than their partner. They’ve been conditioned by society since forever to think that men should want more sex than women do and it’s simply not true. It’s just not.’
I pause and wonder if I should have stopped before I started. This is not appropriate talk between two new colleagues. But by having Jay in my most relaxed settings, the lido and here, I have become far too comfortable far too quickly with him. It’s as if I can’t maintain those tidy compartments I keep because he is leaching into all of them. He doesn’t seem fazed and is sat watching me with an expression on his face that suggests he is listening rather than plotting how to quickly escape.
‘Fair enough,’ he says and I wonder again if I have said too much. Have I branded myself with those stupid outdated words like ‘slut’ and ‘slapper’ and ‘slag’ that have no place in a forward-thinking society in the twenty-first century? And why do I care? If Jay judges me this way then I have read him all wrong. Plus, it will mean he loses some of his hotness which may be a good thing.
Which would definitely be a good thing.
Mind you, if he thinks all my viewpoints are off and is working with teenage girls to foster self-esteem then it’s kind of important he doesn’t hold outdated attitudes about how girls should behave. The very ones that are represented by my small inner voice, that ever-present critic who tries to make me feel bad about my choices whilst my more intellectual, developed and adult self beats her into submission.
He traces his finger down his glass and I feel my breath catch in my throat. I believe in all that I say and yet his silence is giving power to that insecure fourteen-year-old me with the loud voice that never completely goes away.
‘But this is me just sharing my frustrations about dating and how it’s perceived even by the ones you love the most,’ I add. ‘It’s not an awkward attempt to try and get you into bed. I have heard what you’ve said about not dating and I would never mess with boundaries so I won’t pounce on you like some man-eating Fury, especially as we’re going to work together.’ And for some godawful unknown reason, I lift my arms into what I imagine to be a Winged Furies sort of pose and let out a caaaawwwww!
I’m so loud that the loved-up couple in the background look up from each other to see what the demented woman on the bench is doing. And truth is I really don’t know. If they were to ask, I couldn’t answer. Somehow this evening I have literally vomited up a whole heap of anger and a whole heap of self that I wouldn’t normally share with anybody.
What has happened to the self-contained woman of the last fifteen years, who holds everything tight to her chest? I’d like her to come back now. I put my wings down and caw again but sedately, a caaww of shame.
My cocktails were mocktails – I rarely drink because it impacts my health – so I can’t even blame them.
I look into my lap, hesitant to look up and meet Jay’s eyes, imagining he is racking his brain to find a way to leave and thanking the Lord that I haven’t actually signed a volunteer agreement yet.
‘Caw?’ he asks. There is a lightness to his tone, amusement rather than judgement.
‘Hmmmm. I was being a Winged Fury. You know, from ancient times. Probably best left in ancient times,’ I mumble.
‘I can honestly say tonight is an eye-opener. So, tell me more about these ancient furies.’
I look up and see that he is not falling over himself in an attempt to escape. Instead he is looking at me with those deep brown puddles of eyes and making me feel all squirmy again.
‘They were, if memory serves me right, goddesses of vengeance rather than sex. I honestly don’t know what happened to my body then or what I thought I was doing.’
‘Maybe the furies think you should try and get me into bed...’ he says.
I scrunch my eyes up and look at him. Whatishis subtext here?
‘...I don’t know why I said that,’ he continues. ‘Forgive me. Obviously there’s Cass and the work thing. Maybe there is some kind of freaky ancient force making us both say and do things we wouldn’t normally.’
‘Yes, let’s blame that. That works for me.’
‘I think Cass would like you. She wants me to be a bit more, um...a bit more Lily.’
I nod but stay silent. I am intrigued.
‘I’m the opposite of you,’ he continues. ‘I find it really interesting what you’re saying about the way the world perceives how boys or men should act compared to girls and women. I see a lot of what you’re talking about with the kids at work. All this sexual pressure. And whilst it used to shock me as a kid, it’s even more alarming now. I think the internet has a lot to answer for – how it shapes these young people and what they think is normal and what should be acceptable sexually.’
‘Truth!’ I say.
‘You’re right about how society shapes our attitudes and prescribes our behaviour by gender. Cass thinks time being single, a few one-night stands, would do me the world of good but it’s just not me really. I like the security of a relationship, I like the thought of the future I could build with somebody, you know, the whole little house, garden, family thing. I guess that backs up what you are saying about gender preconceptions. It’s my dream to build all of that, have some children and devote myself to a happy ever after.’
‘See, and yet if we believed the bilge we were brought up on, then you and I would be the other way around.’
‘Yep, one-night stands make me feel a bit empty and used. They make me feel sad. I have never really enjoyed them, not even in my late teens and my early twenties.’
‘So are you still single because of this list thing you mentioned? You’re a good-looking man...’
He grins but in a self-effacing way that is utterly charming.
‘The girls at City Youth say women are hurling themselves at you, you want commitment and a good woman to settle down with, so why don’t you have it? There must be a reason this list, these qualities are so important or surely it would have happened organically by now,’ I continue.
