I don’t dare take him home to discuss the project, although the thought has crossed my mind. The more time I spend with this man the more I want to take him home, I really do. The fact that he was resolute in his no to me and needs to remain celibate because of his vow to Cass hasn’t dampened my desire.
I am not sure I am a good person.
I understand the psychology of wanting what you can’t have and there is a bit of that but I’m worried there’s more. Up until this evening Jinx and Dan didn’t know of Jay’s existence and I can imagine the grilling I’m going to get when I get home. There must be a reason I haven’t told them about Jay yet and I am not looking forward to defending myself.
I suggested we go out the back earlier, it won’t be as noisy as in here and is likely to be deserted whilst the acts are on stage. And even I am not going to try and strip Jay naked in such a public space. I like anonymity for that kind of nonsense.
I accidentally brush his fingers with mine as I pass him his glass and the chemistry shooting through me is insane. I can’t ever remember feeling such a connection or an attraction so intense. The pull of the forbidden. Forbidden for now.
‘Wanna get out of here for a minute?’ I ask – meaning the garden but unable to help myself as the anticipation of what may lie before us infuses my voice. I realise with a shiver that I have never planned my sex life so far ahead in the future.
‘For sure,’ he says as he rises from his chair in one fluid movement. He leans down to pick up his laptop bag and as I wait for him my eye glances at the breadth of his shoulders, the way his top clings; I can picture exactly what’s underneath the light fabric. I have seen it in the sauna, more than once, but there is something extra sensual about his body now it is clothed. I must look like the wolf in Red Riding Hood, and as he straightens up I try my best to compose myself and not look as if I am dribbling. I nod in the direction of the outside space and turn to go; he follows me, so close I can feel his breath on my neck. It takes all of my self-control not to reach my arm back a few inches and clasp his hand.
Outside it is almost empty. There is a couple at a table in the far corner but they are so caught up in each other they do not even notice as we enter. And there are two smokers by the door, smoking quickly before they return inside.
I lead him to a bench and sit down. It will be interesting to see where he sits and whether he thinks about his positioning or whether it’s instinctive.
It’s the latter, and he sits beside me and opens his laptop. I wriggle a little closer to see it properly and our thighs ping together like magnets. I can feel his warmth against me. Filth begins to spiral through my mind and I make a conscious decision to stop indulging myself, have more respect for his wishes.
We fly through the schedule drawn up and I confirm I can commit to this. His face lights up as he asks if I am sure.
‘I am,’ I say.
‘Then you have made this youth worker very happy. I think you are going to have such a positive impact on the girls. They haven’t stopped talking about you since your visit.’
‘I enjoyed meeting them. I’m really pleased you asked me to be part of this.’ I say and it’s true.
‘I can’t tell you how grateful I was that you responded, although thoroughly freaked out when you turned out to be you.’ He laughs.
‘Right?’ I say. ‘I’m never going to get over that. I don’t usually believe in coincidences but that was a remarkable one.’
‘That or fate.’ He says and then immediately looks embarrassed, and I have to admit that for someone who is normally so good with words, who has flirtatious patter fall out of her mouth fully-formed that I don’t know how to respond to this.
He closes his laptop, signalling that the work side of the evening is over. I sit back and decide to see what he does now. His reason for being here is done, will he leg it out of the door or will he stay? And if he stays, is he going to keep it just as friends? How committed is he to not dating for six months because from where I’m sitting it is damn nigh impossible to ignore this chemistry?
He turns to me, his movement means our thighs are no longer clamped together and the angled gap between us makes me feel the lack of him.
‘You’re so at home here,’ he says casually. ‘Tell me a bit about it. I’ve driven past lots of times but never been in. It seems to have been here for as long as I can remember.’
‘Ahh, yeah. Phyllis is a legend. She started out running a boarding house for gay men in Bristol, back in the Seventies, making sure that they had somewhere safe to live. Life was not easy at that time if you were anything but white and straight and she, well, she hadn’t transitioned back then, wanted to create a safe space for others like her. Then the next step was to open Chrysalis, one of the first gay clubs in Bristol. Although with society not being as tolerant as it is now, you had to answer questions on the door to make sure you were part of the community and not coming along to cause harm. Chrysalis was born, Phil became Phyllis and then SyPhyllis when she was on stage belting out Donna Summers and Diana Ross numbers for the punters. She has truly earned her place in Bristol’s queer history so when I say she’s a legend, I mean it.’
‘Wow, that’s quite a story.’
‘Yep, and Barry and Gary started working the door for her straight out of school, before you and I were born, just. They’re as much an institution as Phyllis is. This place is living, breathing history and I love it.’
‘I didn’t realise it had such a legacy. Dan and Jinx implied this was your safe space too.’
‘Uh-huh.’ My tone is less enthusiastic.
‘Dan said it’s the one place you don’t get hit on. They said you date a lot, likea lot. For all your mocking of me over the things the girls said, are you a bit of a Casanova, Dr Galbraith?’
‘Ha!’ I splutter and reach for my drink, giving myself time to work out how I’m going to answer. The obvious response is an honest one. Jay isn’t some fly-by-night I have no intention of seeing again and I want him to know the truth of me.
‘I do,’ I say. ‘I like dating. I really like dating. I know lots of people get that ennui quickly, the disappointment of another night not having found The One. But I’m not looking for that, I don’t want to settle down so I get a real thrill from my dating life.’
‘Okay, that sounds like you’re pretty committed to keeping things as they are. That’s a good thing.’
‘I think so although Jinx would giggle that you used the word “commitment”. She reckons my phobia of relationships is far from healthy,’ I say, regretting the words almost as soon as they’re out of my mouth. Part of me wants to explain everything in full, how I was the ugly duckling at school, how that shaped me. I want to admit to him, when I have not even admitted it to my friends, that my fear of commitment may not be entirely healthy despite my protestations. But I am not ready to say those things out loud yet, I’m not sure myself,I dolike my dating life as it is. I love the buzz I get from one-night stands. And honestly, I’m scared of doing deep soul-bearing at this point, not just to this man but to myself as well.
