Before I can respond, Maggie bustles over, her round face flushed from the heat of the kitchen. Her candy cane apron is dusted with flour, and the pencil tucked behind her ear threatens to disappear into her hair. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite lovebirds,” she says with a wink that makes my cheeks heat up. “What can I get for you two today?”
Paige doesn’t miss a beat. “I’ll have the turkey club and a peppermint hot chocolate, please. Oh, and can you add extra whipped cream?”
“You got it,” Maggie nods, jotting down the order. She turns to me, her pen poised over her notepad. “And for you, Noah?”
“Uh, I’ll take a pizza roll and soda,” I manage, my appetite diminished by the nervous energy coursing through me. Paige is acting funny. She keeps checking her phone and grinning.
As Maggie heads back to the kitchen, Paige reaches across the table, her fingers intertwining with mine. I run my thumb over her knuckles, loving the soft feel of her skin. “Okay, I can’t hold it in any longer,” she says, practically bouncing in her seat. “I got the most amazing opportunity.”
I smile.Amazingis great for her, which means it will be great for us, I tell myself. “That’s great, Paige. What is it?” There are a lot ofgreatsrunning through my head right now because I’m trying to convince myself that it will all work out. I don’t know why I feel this shadow over my gut. Is it instinct? Is it a fear of being left behind? Paige is so incredible, and she’s constantly moving. What if I’m trying to catch a tornado and hold her down?
Her words come out in an excited rush, like a dam breaking. “I’ve been offered a chance to be part of an influencer project next spring. It’s a collaboration with several other travel vloggers, exploring some of the most remote and beautiful places in Southeast Asia. Can you believe it?”
The bakery seems to fade away as I process her words. Southeast Asia. Next spring. Remote places. Each detail feels like another weight settling on my chest, making it harder to breathe. Paige is still talking, her eyes alight with enthusiasm.
She squeezes my hands. “I want you to come with me, Noah. Think of all the amazing things you could draw. The temples in Thailand, the rice terraces in Bali, and the bustling markets in Vietnam. It would be incredible.”
I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out.
Five minutes ago, Ithoughtabout releasing God in my life, in my art, and seeing what happened—and now this. Is this a test to see if I will take the opportunity, or is it just a coincidence?
My mind is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions—excitement at the prospect of seeing these amazing places and being able to draw them, fear of leaving the safety of Benton Falls, doubt about my ability to capture such exotic scenes, and a gnawing worry about what this means for us, for our relationship that’s only just beginning to blossom. Should we be planning trips together? Are we moving too fast? Or is this just right, and I just don’t know how couples do things?
Maggie returns with our drinks, setting down Paige’s peppermint hot chocolate, piled high with whipped cream and sprinkled with crushed candy canes and my plain old soda. The stark contrast between our beverages feels oddly symbolic of our current situation.
“Noah?” Paige prompts gently, her smile faltering slightly at my prolonged silence. “What do you think?”
I take a sip of my drink, wincing as the carbonation cuts at the back of my throat. It gives me a moment to collect my thoughts, and to try to form a response that won’t disappoint her. “It sounds... amazing, Paige. Really. But I... I don’t think I can go.”
The words hang in the air between us, heavy and final. Paige’s face falls, her excitement dimming like a candle being snuffed out. “Oh,” she says softly, withdrawing her hand from mine. The loss of contact leaves me feeling cold and alone. “May I ask why not?”
I stare into my cup, unable to meet her eyes. How can I explain the sense that I’m not good enough to join her? I’m not a good enough artist. I’m not a good enough videographer. I don’t have any experience in these things. She’s already had one boyfriend set her back; I couldn’t live with myself if I did that to her. I think she’s so much better off without me—in this case. I mean, I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose who I am when I am with her. I have had loads more inspiration since she came into my life. I’m trying new things—and not just socially but with my drawings. It’s like I’ve fallen in love with it again. I’m just not ready to step into the next phase of being a real artist.
I can already hear my parents.
The doubt that whispers “I’m not good enough to make this trip.” is practically paralyzing. So much so that all these words and feelings are damned inside of me and can’t come out.
“I just... I can’t leave the ice rink for that long,” I say lamely, knowing it’s a weak excuse and she’ll see right through it.
Paige is quiet for a moment, and when I finally look up, the disappointment in her eyes makes my heart ache. “Noah,” she says gently, “the ice will have melted.”
I shake my head, feeling the walls closing in around me. “You don’t understand, Paige. I can’t just drop everything and go across the world. That’s not who I am.”
But it’s who you want to be, screams a voice inside my head. Why can’t I just do it? Why am I allowing this block to keep me from having everything I want? Why I can’t I make the dream a reality?
“Who you are?” Paige repeats, a hint of frustration creeping into her voice. “Noah, I thought... I thought you’d be excited about this.”
The arrival of our food provides a momentary distraction. Maggie sets down Paige’s turkey club, the aroma of toasted bread and crisp bacon filling the air. My pizza roll is a work of art with green peppers and pepperoni spilling out of the swirls. But my appetite has completely deserted me.
We eat in uncomfortable silence, the tension between us uncomfortable and unnatural. Christmas music plays softly in the background, the familiar melodies a reminder of the joy and magic of the season that now feels just out of reach.
As we finish our meal, Paige glances at her watch and sighs. “I have to go,” she says, her voice tinged with sadness. “I have a meeting with my travel agent to hash out the schedule and flights.” She stops, and I get the feeling she was going to invite me to the meeting but changed her mind.
The finality of her words hits me like sour egg nog. This is really happening. Paige is going…with or without me. She starts to slide out of the booth, and panic rises in my throat. I can’t let her leave like this. I don’t know what this means for us. We were solid less than an hour ago—a rock I was ready to build a future around, and now we’re slipping like sands on the beach.
“Paige, wait,” I say, reaching for her hand. She pauses, looking at me with a mixture of hope and resignation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react so... negatively. It’s just a lot to take in. For me, anyway. I know you do this kind of thing all the time, but—I don’t.”
Her expression softens, and she gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “I understand, Noah. It is a big decision. But please, think about it, okay? The invitation is open. I’d love nothing more than to share this adventure with you.”
