All those poor nice boys she had dated couldn’t hold a candle to what she really wanted.Whoshe really wanted. A man to take her by the hand and hold her tight as they walked along the edge of what was safe and what was threatening.
A man would never let her fall but still made her want to.
Jay rose from her bed, folding her arms as she stood in front of her closet awkwardly. All of her things were here now and she had no shortage of clothes to choose from. After a moment of deliberation, she pulled a pair of galaxy leggings off a hanger that she still unironically liked, and a stretchy purple spandex crop top.
Since her hair was still damp from her shower, she tied it up in a high ponytail, using one of those soft satin scrunchies that were supposed to keep her from pulling her own hair out. The wet curls fell to the top of her spine as she released it.
She made herself her morning coffee, noting Nicholas’s absence from the kitchen. Was he in his office? Working? Thedoor was closed and she wasn’t sure if she should knock.
(Men don’t like women who cling, Jay)
An image of her mother standing in front of her mirror popped into Jay’s head. She had been about nine or ten and it had been another one of those nights when her mother hadn’t come back at all. Upon her return, a younger, smaller Jay had wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist and begged her in tears not to leave her alone again.
But she did, Jay thought morosely.Every time.
A key rattled in the lock. Then she heard footsteps, followed by a familiar whine. Nicholas appeared, holding a brown bag in one hand. The other was clenched around Carbon’s old carrier, where the puppy peered out balefully.
“Oh, wow,” said Jay. “I thought you were in your office.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Not yet. I was literally just about to make something.” Jay got to her knees as she bent down to the crate. “Poor baby, wearing the cone of shame. You took him to the vet?”
“Vaxxed and chipped. They managed to squeeze him into their very busy schedule.” A strange smile flickered over his mouth as he leaned over to unlatch the carrier’s door. “They think he’s a king shepherd, which means he’s going to be huge. His name is Maynard.”
“But he’s solittlenow.” The puppy bounded immediately for Jay, who lifted the dog aloft and laughed as it immediately began trying to lick her face. “I don’t remember agreeing toMaynard.”
“I paid for him.”
Jay scratched the puppy’s ruff, watching the dark brown eyes roll back in exuberant joy. “So because I wasn’t there, you named him after your favorite metal angst lord?”
“You remember?”
“Of course I remember. You’re always blasting Puscifer in the car.”
“I’m pretty sure I used to fuck you to it, too.” With his back to her, he opened one of the containers and began ladling out golden lentil soup. “Rev. 22-20 was practically our song.”
Flustered, Jay abandoned the puppy, who began to chew on the door of Carbon’s cage. She hovered uncertainly, watching Nicholas dish food out onto plates.Our song, gave her a funny feeling in her gut. What they had been doing back then hadn’t been romantic. He’d put the music on so their parents wouldn’t hear what he was doing to her in his room.
“You always did have bad taste,” she said lightly.
“Better than your 90s strip mall college rock shit.” Nicholas swung over the stool and patted the one next to him. “Come here.”
Jay sighed and stepped forward, grabbing a plate and a bowl. Even though her stomach was doing flipflops, she made herself eat, aware of his heated glances streaking across her skin like meteors. “If you don’t like Spiderbait and The Sundays, there’s something wrong with you.”
Nicholas chuckled, but it lacked the usual hard edge that his laughter frequently contained.
She wondered what it would be like when he came to her again. When she told him in the den how she liked to be touched it was as if she had unlocked a door inside herself and now that it was open, any manner of things could come tumbling out.
They talked a little while eating but Jay got the sense that Nicholas was intentionally skirting certain topics. When they were done with their meal, he pulled his mirrored shades out of his pocket, popping them on his nose with the same carelessgesture that he’d been practicing since high school. It was much smoother now, but so was everything else about him.
But it also meant that she couldn’t see his eyes.
“It’s a nice day.” He cranked the air on, to cool down some of the midday heat that had built up in the car. “Maybe we can walk the dog later when the sidewalk cools down.”
Jay looked up from her folded hands, curiously touched that he’d thought of the dog’s soft paws. “You got him a leash already?”
“I got him everything. I’m thinking of taking him on my morning runs.”
