Jay grimaced.
“What’s with you and running, Jay? I thought vegans were supposed to be health nuts.”
“I likehiking,” Jay said. “I just hate how I feel after a run. I’m all sweaty, and I get stitches in my side—” She shook her head violently. “I’d rather use the pool.”
“One of these days, I’m going to use that knowledge against you, little bird.” He made a low sound, as if whatever he was imagining pleased him, and a little frisson of not-quite-fear trickled through her. “Use the pool, all you want. I might join you. I could help you with your form.”
“You haven’t been swimming lately,” she pointed out.
“I do it early. Before you wake up. I like it when the water’s cold.”
“God, why? You used to swim in the afternoons like a normal person.”
“Well.” Nicholas shifted his grip on the wheel, looking almost self-conscious. “You would read out by the pool in the afternoons.”
“Oh.” Jay stared out at where an old gas station had been, remembering how she had used to lie out by the water, desperate to get out of that house and her stepfather’s oppressive gaze. She’d barely noticed Nicholas was there at all. “God. I was so fucking blind.”
“We don’t have to talk about the past.”
But we can’t avoid it, either.
They pulled up at the dirt parking lot with a crunch of grit beneath the tires. Despite the late start to the day, they were still there early enough that some of the good spots were still left.
Sunlight speared through the live oaks, catching on silvery motes of dust. This time of year, everything was still mostly brown and dry, but there was still some residual green from the too-brief rainy season when the heat made plants hoard their moisture as jealously as any miser.
Looking out the car window, Jay spotted a manzanita, which made her remember the last time she had hiked down this trail. She and Nicholas had had a big fight, after which she had cried like a baby in his arms. Both of them were so broken that their edges had turned sharp; and just like that California boxthorn withering in the blazing heat, it seemed like every time they got close to each other, someone always drew blood.
She slid out of the car as the door opened—Nicholas holding it open, of course. The chime of the locks engaging sounded overly loud in the silent space, broken only by bird calls.
“How did the interview go?” Nicholas shoved his keys in the pocket of his shorts. They nearly hit his knee, revealing well-muscled calves sprinkled with coarse dark hair. Oblivious to the dark yearning of her thoughts, he said, “You were so cross, I wasn’t sure I should ask.”
“It wasn’t an interview, it was a meeting. And I wascrossbecause you arranged that meeting behind my back by throwing your stupid weight around.” Jay kicked a big rock out of her path and then felt bad when she startled a little lizard into darting into the brush. “You’re such a bully.”
“So you’re not going to tell me?”
“I think that would be a conflict of interest.”
“I could ask Arthur.”
“Then ask him.”
Nicholas gave her a dry look. “Don’t you want a promotion?”
“I want one, yes, but so do a lot of people. Some of them have been working at your company for years. It feels wrong to get one just because I . . . know you.”
“That’s not why.” His mirrored shades flashed as he studied the landscape, a hardness to his mouth making her wonder if he had seen the manzanita, too. “I was given everything I had but I still had to work for it. That doesn’t mean I’m not worthy. It doesn’t mean thatyou’renot worthy.”
“It’s not the same.” Jay tugged on the brim of her hat with her free hand, shielding her eyes from the glare of the sun. “Listen, when I graduated from Cal, I thought I’d get a job right out of college. That’s the promise, right? Go to a good school, get a good job. But I had zero work experience and nobody wants to hire someone who majored in Sociology, even if it was at UC Berkeley. I ended up going back to school to get an administrative assistant certificate from a community college just so I could have a fighting chance in the job pool I wasn’t even qualified for. And I kept thinking, your father would have laughed to see me fall so hard. The girl everyone voted as ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ filing office memos for a company that sells soap.”
“It doesn’t matter what my father would have thought.”Nicholas’s voice was sharp. “He’s dead. What does any of that have to do with my promoting you?”
“Because you don’treallythink I’m qualified for this job. You made fun of my previous one—you called me a cute little secretary who worked in a soap shop.”
“You are a cute little secretary who worked in a soap shop.”
Jay watched a ruby-crowned kinglet flutter by as it scanned the chaparral for insects. The orangey-red crest on its head looked like a dyed mohawk, and it looked so silly that she drew in a deep breath, her anger spiraling away as she remembered their winery date and how sweet he’d been with her. It gave her something to hold onto while he was pissing her off now.
“Why do you think I need help from you?” she pressed. “Why are you so busy trying to assign me extra value if you think I’m already worthy?”
