“Well, you did. If you don’t remember, what do you know about that time period?” I slide my jacket off, getting comfortable.
I think it has more to do with trying to release some energy than anything else. This is yet another conversation we have never had that being with Callahan has brought up, and it’s making me antsy.
“Monty, what’s this about?” he asks while leaning back in his chair.
“Dad, I’m trying to understand how I got to this point, and I think a lot of it had to do with what happened back then. I’ve come to terms with a lot when it comes to her, but I don’t think I ever dealt with our stuff.”
“What stuff?” His eyebrows shoot up as he sits forward.
“I love you, I’m not mad at you, but I don’t think you handled anything with her well.” I take a deep breath in trying to settle myself before I continue.
It’s enough of a pause for him to interject.
“I tried my best.”
I lock eyes with him, and this time it’s him heaving a little. His mouth is pinched tight, and his eyebrows drawn down. I didn’t expect to get anger from him.
“Even if it was your best, it wasn’t enough. I needed her, and then I needed you, and all you offered me was a half-hearted Don’t Rely on Anyone speech. Why didn’t you tell me that it had nothing to do with me? Or that I would always have you? Or even that I would find the people who wanted to be in my life?”
“I thought you knew all of that,” he practically yells.
“How would I? I was twelve, raised by a mother who hated me and a father who didn’t acknowledge any of it.” I don’t mean to raise my voice back, but I do.
Long-buried feelings finally bubbling to the surface push it to go higher. It lowers his voice until it doesn’t even sound like he is breathing.
I don’t feel angry. I meant what I said about not being mad at him. But I am disappointed, and above all of that I’m hurt. These are my parents. The people who are supposed to not let anything happen to me, and the worst thing that has happened to me wasthem.
“I’ve spent years not letting anyone get too close. Even you and Farrah. And then this great man comes, and all he wants from me is to give myself to him, and I can’t. I couldn’t. I just need you to help me make sense of it.”
I need something to help me put my past to rest for good. I can’t get it from her, I was never able to give it to myself, so I need him to help me.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s so quiet I have to sit forward to hear it.
“I didn’t know how to talk to you without bringing my stuff into it. I thought if I were just here, it would fix everything from before. I thought as long as you had me, you would be okay.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me about it later? I have been an adult for fourteen years.”
He sighs and rests his head in his hands.
“Monty, I have tried. Maybe not the way you hoped, but when I noticed you pulling back from everyone, I tried to pull you closer. I thought I did.” He reaches across the table, grabbing hold of my hand. “What can I do now?” he asks.
“I’m trying to figure out how to love him right. I’m trying to find a way to let him see how important he is to me. But you told me not to do that, and honestly, I haven’t seen you do any different.”
He grimaces, his body almost flinching away. “Monty, you’re right. Whatever I said to you, I was thinking the same for myself. Having a marriage like that, one that falls apart like that, and hurts like that; it makes you never want to let anyone in. I was damaged. I saw you were damaged, and I just didn’t want either one of us to be hurt again. But I also didn’t want you to be afraid of it.”
He gets up and drags his chair closer.
“Don’t do what I did. Don’t be like me. I’ve seen you with Callahan, and I can say with my full chest that man will take care of you. You have good instincts. Maybe you didn’t even want to change before this because no other guy deserved it. But you deserve to have all of that.”
“But how do I get it?”
“By jumping in.”
I laugh, remembering what Callahan said. He was right. I wasn’t going to fall into his arms; I have to jump.
“Thank you.” I kiss his cheek and get up.
