I’m still crying, but these tears feel like a release from twenty years of build-up.
“My dad thought he was helping when he told me that if I didn’t expect anything from anyone, I wouldn’t be disappointed, but all he did was solidify a belief that I can’t need anyone in my life.”
He grabs my face and strokes his thumbs across my cheeks. The fact that he is comforting me even in this moment of my apology makes everything I have ever thought about him true.
“I have spent my whole life being so independent, I sometimes feel alone. Even when I got cancer, I thought I could do it by myself, but then here you come. You refused to leave, you fought to take care of me, and slowly you showed me what being loved unconditionally feels like.”
He slides onto the floor with me. I crawl into his lap as I keep his face in my hands.
“I have Farrah and my dad, but I’ve had them since before everything happened. You are the first person to get past my barriers and fill the emptiness I let grow.”
I rest my forehead against his and just brush our lips against each other. Then I say the words against his mouth.
“The first time we hung out, you told me that things thrive around me. But baby, I’m alive because of you. I’m living because of you. You don’t know how much of a requirement you are for my happiness.”
He closes the gap. His lips are explorative, gentle, and questioning. I press back so thoroughly that I feel my entire being sink into him. He grips me back like he will never let go, and now I won’t try andmake him. Now, I’ll never let go, too. When we come up for air, he is finally not frowning.
“I want to believe you, but…” he says, trailing off.
“I know. I know this past month I have cemented this belief you have, and I know it’s up to me to undo it. But just give me time to show you how damn much you are everything anyone would want.”
His chuckle is dry, but it’s still there, and it’s my first sign that I can turn this around.
We lie down, and he holds me tight against his chest. Our breathing falls into sync just like our hearts always are. Without the restrictions I had in place, I know I’m going to lose myself in him, but I also know that it will be okay.
Except right now, I’m not okay. I thought telling him about my mother would be the release I needed to make it all better. But it’s not just her. It was both of them, and it’s time I really do face it all. I need to confront my father about the damage he’s done, because staying when she left was not enough. And breaking open the dam around my heart to let Callahan in lets everything else I’ve buried for years come pouring out.
Chapter 31
Walkingintothehouse,my goal is to find my dad. I need him to help me understand what to do, and why I have gotten to this point.
“Dad,” I yell when I throw my bag down.
“In here.”
I walk into the kitchen to find him sitting next to a box of things. He is sorting through papers on the table, while trophies lie in and out of the container.
“What’s all of this?” I slide into the seat across from him, looking at what’s laid out.
Apparently, he has pulled out every award and crappy artwork that I have ever done. Even my report cards, he kept for some reason.
“I was just thinking of your childhood.”
So was I, though I wonder what brought on his nostalgia.
“Why?” I ask.
He shrugs and finally looks me in the eyes. He has that same weariness that I have grown used to since the start of this healing process. Waiting for the results to confirm if the cancer is in remission is probably bringing him right back to the fear he had when I told him.
Even though all the tests look good, and I have done everything right, I know he is still worried.
“Well, speaking of when I was younger, I have some things to ask you.”
He starts stacking everything and putting it away. I wait until he’s finished to continue speaking.
“When my mother stopped coming around, you told me basically not to expect anything from anyone. Why?”
“I don’t remember that.” He rubs the back of his neck.
