I have a lot to figure out.
After the conversation with my dad, I call Farrah.
“Hey, bestie.” She sounds brighter than she did when I left her a couple of hours ago. “What’s up?” she asks.
“After what happened with your ex, how did you give yourself to Errol?”
She turns it into a video call, knowing that she has to see my face to gauge my reactions. I don’t know if she really wants to talk about being cheated on, but I need her to help me understand.
“It took time. I had to learn to trust again, and spent a while holding my breath waiting for the worst to happen. Slowly, without me realizing it, I let it out and began to just breathe in his presence. I think he had already earned a lot of it before we started dating. At that point, it was just about giving in.”
I sit back against my headboard and look up at the ceiling.
“All you have to do, Monty, is stop fighting it.”
She makes it sound so simple. When I’m with him, it is that simple. I just need to stop being in my head. I need to do what I wanted to do from the start and just lean in. Or rather, jump in. No more holding myself back.
“I think I can do that.”
“Good.”
“Now, how do I make him believe I will do that?”
This makes her fall quiet. I can see the wheels in her head turning. She bites her lip and then nods like she has come to a conclusion.
“I don’t know.”
“What?” I ask, sitting up. “That’s it?”
“I only know Callahan through your version, and the time I have spent with him. You know him through his actions and his loving. You know better than anyone how to reach him.”
I sit back again, resigned. “You’re right. I have to be the one who does the most now.”
We talk over some ideas of how I will do that. When I get off the phone with her, I sit in silence.
My father thought getting cancer would put things into perspective for me. In some ways, it has. Losing so much has taught me what matters to me most. Facing a future that may not look the same as it did before showed me that maybe I’m okay with that. Being in a situation where I needed to be surrounded by people who love me has made me learn that this is what I want above all else.
I’ve had the career I strived for, the freedom I craved, and the independence to be in control of my heart. But this year, when all of these things were tested, none of them felt worth holding on to. I just want my family, my friends, and him. I want to be passionate and happy in everything I do, and that includes dance. It’s time I start doing that.
I pick up my phone again and dial his number. He picks up on the second ring.
“Hello, my love,” I say to him. “I miss you already.”
He chuckles, and I can imagine his smile.
“I want to ask you something,” I say.
“Anything, anytime.”
“I have my appointment with my oncologist in a few days. I was hoping you would come with me.”
“Really?” he asks, his voice going up a pitch.
Seeing as how I have attended every appointment by myself, I know this is shocking to him, as it would be for anyone else. This is my first step in showing him I’m all in. From now on, he will be my person for every step moving forward, and that includes holding my hand while I find out if I’m in remission or not. If I’m being honest, I need him to be there with me.
“Yeah, I want you to be by my side when I find out. I want to celebrate with you or cry on your shoulder.”
“Of course I’ll come.”
