“What… what do you mean?” My stomach sank, and he rolled his eyes dramatically.
“Charlie’s been so annoyed about it. But I guess their relationship isn’t for everyone.”
“I don’t have anything against—what do you mean?” I drew tighter into myself. “Has Charlie been upset with me?”
He waved me off, drinking from his glass again. “Don’t worry about it. You can’t please everyone. You’re fine. I didn’t realize you’d been talking to Linda too.”
Oh, Jesus, I was going to get Linda in trouble, too. I hadn’t thought about the fact that Drew wouldn’t want me sticking around, and that if Linda was involved in me staying, I’d get her pulled in too. After Daniela had made a point stepping away from things a bit to spend more time with Cat and Jade? Daniela was giving me a place to stay, Linda was helping me find a new livelihood, and Jade had given me something that meant more than everything here, and I was ruining things for all of them. “There’s nothing wrong with their relationship,” I said, protesting against all reason. He shrugged, a hand in his pocket.
“Well, forget that,” he said. “Where else are you looking at jobs?”
I couldn’t look him in the eye right now and tell him I was hoping to find something here. “I, um… I don’t know. Just all over.” It sounded so pathetic that I hated myself, and he nodded.
“Hard to find a job these days,” he agreed. “Well, comes down to who you know, doesn’t it? Just don’t piss anyone off.”
I laughed awkwardly, not sure what to say. Laughing was the wrong choice, because he pinched his lips together, looking at where he fussed with his glass.
“Could have been a good opportunity to pitch in here and work with us, but it’s been rough ever since Cat decided to screw us over.” He snorted, rolling his eyes. “Had to cut half the Pride events because of her. But don’t tell her I said that. Guess I shouldn’t be complaining about your best friend.”
I wanted to say something for her sake—wanted to be a decent human being and take a stand and sayCat’s perfectly lovely, don’t talk down to her,but I was so scared and awkwardand useless that I shrank away, shook my head with a polite smile. “I’m not telling you who you can complain about.”
He gave me a fake smile, raising his glass. “Here’s to complaining, then.”
I laughed and I met his glass because I had the emotional fortitude of wet cardboard, and I hated myself for it. I stepped out to the back terrace as soon as I could, sitting at the edge staring out into space trying to pull myself back to earth, but it felt like I was reaching to myself through a thick liquid, like I was shouting to myself through thick glass where I could see myself on the other side slipping into a spiral without hearing me calling out to her.
So much for any resolutions to tell Daniela anything. It wasn’t like I brought anything to the table to compensate for how I came in here, messed up the community dynamics and Linda’s and Charlie’s relationship, got Daniela in trouble too, and then went and slept with the girl Daniela liked while I was trying to find a way to get them together. Daniela was going to hate me, and I had to be more steady first—at least, that’s what I told myself, that I needed to figure out enough of my life that I’d be okay if Daniela never wanted to see my face again.
I was only spiraling deeper when I heard my name, and I drifted back to where Jade leaned over the terrace railing towards me, concern in her eyes. I was getting everyone concerned and didn’t deserve anybody’s compassion at this rate.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m all right. Sorry. I was about to head right out and join you when…” I shook my head. “I just got distracted a bit.”
“With what?” She was all softness and tenderness, stepping in to help me. Had been since the moment I first got to this town. She’d find someone really wonderful wherever she ended up, someone who actually deserved her, and I was going to be reallyhappy for her instead of jealous and sad and dumb. “Alyssa, you look miserable. What happened?”
I swallowed. I wasn’t dragging Jade into it. “It’s nothing. Just… just thinking about stuff.”
The look on her face said she knew I was lying, but she didn’t push it. She looked around to make sure we were alone before she caressed her thumb over my cheek, speaking softly. “Well, come think about stuff back at my place, okay? We’ll put some music on and have some tea and watch a movie or something together.”
“Are you mad at me?” Jesus, that was a stupid thing to say. She was patient, though, shaking her head and putting a small kiss on my forehead.
“Not even a little bit. And trust me, I’m mad at everyone. Grouchy little hermit in the woods.”
I laughed despite myself, and I heard tears under the sound. It was ridiculous for me to cry over this. Drew hadn’t evensaidanything bad, necessarily, just… made it clear I wasn’t supposed to be here. “You are not.”
“And you didn’t do anything to be mad over. So c’mon, little sad face. Let’s get you somewhere safe.”
I hugged myself, shaking my head even though going back somewhere safe with her sounded like the best thing in the world. “I really should go back to Daniela’s and… I don’t know… do something for her. Clean up or—”
“Alyssa.” She put a finger to my lips. “Whatever happened, nobody feels like you need to do something for them to make up for it.”
I swallowed, looking down at the ground. She took my hand and squeezed it.
“C’mon. You can ride these feelings out, but it’s not going to be good for you to do it here where it happened.”
“I was really hoping to get lucky with you tonight and everything,” I said, pouting. Jade laughed, stroking my hair back.
“There will be other nights. You don’t have to do anything except just be here tonight. Okay? Now get your butt in my car. I already told Daniela you’re not feeling well and I’m taking you back early with me.”
