“Shit,” Fen muttered. “What did he say to you onstage?”
I shook my head. I wouldn’t tell him that. It would only cause more resentment. And I didn’treallybelieve that Fen was using me to get revenge on his brother. Eddie was just trying to provokeme. But if Eddie had planted any doubts in my head, I didn’t want Fen to see them.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told Fen. “Just take care of him. He’s family, and that’s important to you. Remember? You said it was the tree, family, and music. You’ve got your big tree whenever you need it. And now you’ve got the support of your family back—your beautiful, strange family.”
He squinted at me. Crossed his arms. “Why are you talking like this?”
“Because Eddie is part of your family too. And he’s fucked up. You’re the strong one, not him. You’ve got pull with your mom… not him. Tell her to do something about him. He doesn’t need tough love. That didn’t work, clearly. Look at him. He’s not well.”
He nodded. “Okay, yeah.”
“But also? You shouldn’t have to worry about him. That’s your mom’s job.” I poked him the chest. “Youneed to be making music. I don’t know if it’s school or training or what you need to do. Figure it out, though. Because Ani is right. You are a virtuoso. See? My word-pixie didn’t eat the word.” I smiled.
He reached for my forearm and held it. “I know I need to work on my music.I know.Why are you saying it like this? What’s going on?”
Tears welled. In one blink, they cascaded down my cheeks. “I’m going home.”
“Home?”
“Back to L.A.”
His hand started trembling on my arm. “Why?”
I shook my head. “Mad Dog will be packing up the lodge in another week or so, anyway. You know that. He goes back every August. I’m just delaying the inevitable by sticking around. I need to go home. I don’t have a place here.”
“Of course you do! You can stay with me.”
“And do what?”
“I don’t know—get a job? Help out at the record store.” He blinked rapidly and his eyes went dark and liquidy. “What were you going to do with Eddie? Huh? At the beginning of the summer, you were boasting about moving in with him here.”
He was angry. Upset. Hurt.
I couldn’t stop stinging tears from falling down my face, and my nose wouldn’t stop watering. “I didn’t have a plan.”
“Then don’t have a plan now!”
“Not having a plan was a terrible plan,” I tried to explain.
“But it was good enough for Eddie?”
“Itwasgood enough for Eddie, because he’s just screwing around, doing nothing. But it’s not good enough for you, because you’re miles above me.”
He turned his head to the ceiling and growled. “Stop saying that shit! It’s.Not. True!”
I put my free hand on his face, which was shaking as much as his trembling hand. “It is true, but it doesn’t have to be. I’m gonna go back home, and I’m going to college. I’m not quite sure where or how I’ll get the money to pay for it, but I’m about to figure that out. And I’m going to find out who I am, and she’s going to be amazing.”
“She’s already amazing,” he said, crying. “I know I haven’t been a very good boyfriend lately. I’ve been too distracted with my father’s surgery and everything going on at home. I’mso sorry.”
“Oh my God, no. Stop. Of course you’ve been distracted.”
“But—”
“This isn’t about you. It’s about me. I know that sounds like a line, but I actually mean it. You need to concentrate on you, and I have to get out of Mad Dog’s house,” I told him. “I can’t do it any longer. I have to stand on my own feet. I want to be your equal.”
He pulled me against him, and I wrapped my arms around him. We both wept into each other like it was a funeral. Maybe it was. Something was dying.
“I’m fucking in love with you,” he said. “You know that, right?”
