Why are love triangles in movies always so fun and frivolous? They aren’t in real life. They’re tragic and horrible, and if I could have gone back in time and erased everything that happened that night at the dam, I would have saved myself two years of misery.
I damaged my brain. I cost Mad Dog thousands of dollars in medical bills—because God knows my father’s crappy insurance didn’t cover it. On top of that, Dad worried himself sick over me, and I lost friendships and got so far behind in school.
But it wasn’t just the people in my world. It was the Sarafians. I spenthowlong chasing Eddie? Even after he rejected me that night at the dam, I was still starry-eyed over him while I was in speech therapy—while Fen was having a low-key breakdown over the dam incident.
If I contributed to driving a wedge between the two of them, even a little? Just thinking about it made my stomach sick.
If I could have gone back in time and just seen Fen instead of Eddie that night—really seen Fen for who he was—then everything might be different right now. Maybe he wouldn’t have spent years being haunted. Maybe he’d be in a music program at school. Getting accolades for his piano playing. Never kicked out of his house.
Who knows, maybe even Serj might have stayed out of the hospital.
Three people can never make it work. Look at what happenedwith Mad Dog, my father, and my mother. I didn’t want that to happen now. But there was another way that didn’t involve two boys I cared about being hurt.
I couldn’t change the past, but I could change the future.
A triangle can’t exist without the third side.
Dad always said that if I needed a ride, he’d be there, no questions asked. That was the policy. I hesitated, making sure in my head this was the right thing. But as the music continued to play behind me, the band unfazed by the fighting in the wings, I felt it deep in my chest.
I knew this was the right thing, and if I waited too long, I’d talk myself out of it.
So I texted him:I need you to come get me. I want to go home to LA. I want to leave service.
Track [28] “All My Little Words”/The Magnetic Fields
Jane
Dad and I texted backand forth several times. He was frantic. So was I. The more I thought about it, the more resolute I felt. This was what I needed to do to save all of us.
It just wasn’t easy.
And when Velvet came and took Eddie aside, and security released Fen, I knew it was about to be the hardest thing I’d ever done.
“Are you okay?” I asked, walking up to him in the wings, mouthing my question over the band and the crowd.
Fen threw away a tissue that he’d been holding up to the corner of his bleeding mouth and dismissively shook his head. He signaled that he was fine. His eyes searched mine. He was still upset. Worried. Angry. A jangle of emotions packed into a bloodied face. A wave of concern crashed over me, tugging at my heart, but I had to stay steady.
I pointed at myself and gestured leaving. “I’m taking off. Can we talk?”
“What?” He shook his head and then put his hand on my back and urged me farther backstage. We ducked around securityand roadies, descended a set of stairs, and went through a small door that led back into the underground corridor we’d originally come through. It was cool and much quieter down here, though the thump of the music was still ever present. Fen found a place behind some random equipment and leaned against the wall there.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
“Just a busted lip, I think,” he said. “Areyouokay?”
“You saw.” Obviously.
He nodded once.
I hesitated. I didn’t want to yell at him for trying to rescue me from Eddie. But I didn’t want to have to be rescued, and I didn’t want to be a toy that got batted around between the two of them. I knew Fen would never do that on purpose, but Eddie?
He was not in his right mind.
“Eddie is messed up,” I said. “I think he’s upset over your father’s heart attack and probably the new direction of Sarafian Events. He needs help. Probably rehab. He’s an addict, I think.”
Fen blinked at me and scrubbed a hand over his eyes, nodding. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I know you are.”
“You need to get him help before the two of you end up falling back into butting horns again. I really feel like he’s on a path of self-destruction, and he’s going to try to take you down with him.”
