She is obsessed with him. She saw him once and hasn’t been able to shut up about him since. She thinks he has a thing for me, but I’ve never noticed or cared. I think she’s just so eager for me to find happiness or to fall in love that she imagines it wherever we go. Also, there were whispers in town this past year of him having a relationship with a girl about my age, and Olivia always says I need an older man in my life to help level me out. It should be enough that I have a boyfriend at all, and technically, he is older. Only by a few years, but still, Ere helped me through my struggles these past five months. If it weren’t for him, I’m not sure where I would be right now, or if I would be at all.
My sister doesn’t agree with his choice in letting me sink into grief and darkness when I choose to. She believes I need someone who forces me into the light, to help guide me through my dark days. I never told her that I met him during my time at the local psychiatric hospital and that he understands the struggle with darkness as well as I do. She’d freak. She’d worry. She would convince herself he’s even more of a bad influence on me, but Ere gives me exactly what I need. There’s no need to pretend to be anything with him, I can just be. I consider myself lucky to have found someone as accepting and understanding as him.
“Dr. Cooper, you mean?” I correct her with a roll of my eyes and a smile. “He thinks I’m doing great. He said he’s proud of the progress he’s seeing in me and moved my sessions to once a month.”
She nods once before taking a sip of the water the waitress places in front of her, and then we order our usual burgers and fries. It never changes, no matter how many times we’ve been here. I guess that makes us boring, but why change a good thing?
“I’m proud of you, too.” Her eyes gloss over and I know she’s about to cry before the first tear even falls.
“Liv. Don’t. Don’t you dare,” I tell her, knowing that every time one of us cries the other one isn’t far behind.
“I’m sorry.” She dabs the tears away with a napkin. “I just… at one point I didn’t know if I would ever get my sister back. I was so scared of losing you.”
“Damn it, Olivia.” My eyes sting as tears well up and warm my cheeks as they fall, and we both let out a laugh. “I’m sorry. That the past year has been a mess. That you’ve dealt with so much alone. That I couldn’t be there for you like I should have been.” I pick up my napkin and blot my tears away. “I’ve been such a shitty sister, haven’t I?” I shake my head and look up at the ceiling, not wanting to face her and the truth.
My sister visited me every day for months while I was in the psych ward, whispering about a missing necklace holding secrets and monsters who are coming for me next. She was scared shitless, I could see it in her eyes even though I wasn’t myself then. All she could do was tell me over and over that she believed me, but that I was safe for now and shouldn’t worry. We haven’t talked about those things since I got out, but I often wonder if a part of her did believe me. She has always had a strange obsession with supernatural occurrences, and there was nothing natural about the way our parents died. She has to wonder if maybe I was right. If maybe I did see things she didn’t. I’m too afraid to bring it up again. I don’t want the semblance of a normal life I have now to be ripped away.
I don’t know how she has stayed so damn strong when she’s the one who lost the most. A mom, a dad, and a sister. All gone in the blink of an eye. But I’m here. She has been the strong, supportive big sister for long enough. I hate that I’ve made things harder for her than it needed to be. My heart hurts knowing she needed me and I couldn’t be there to comfort her. Guilt eats at me still, even though at the time I was too broken to care. I was too lost then to know how much it’d torture me later on for not pulling myself together for her. All I can do is be here for her now that I can be.
“No, Nor, not at all.” She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “Please don’t think that even for a second.” Her voice is calm and reassuring.
She will never just let me take the blame for things. She makes excuses and pretends there’s hope for me even when there isn’t, and sometimes I hate her for it. Other times, I want to prove her right and turn my life around, only I don’t know how to anymore. I’ve tried everything.
I stare out the window and watch as cars and people pass by, wondering if they’ve ever felt even remotely the way I do right now. Lost and defeated. Alone yet not alone at all. Olivia never seems to feel this way. She always finds a way to see the light even when there is none to be found. I envy her for that.
“I’m going to do better, Liv. I promise. I’ll be a better sister and friend. I’ll do all the crazy things you and Katie beg me to do, no matter how badly I want to say no.”
She rolls her eyes but smiles over at me as if hearing this makes her happier than I could ever imagine.
“I want to be better. I will be.” I sit up straighter with my head held high, for a second believing I can will it into existence.
“You are better. So much better than you were before. Just promise me something, okay?” She leans forward, watching me carefully.
I nod my head, my eyes crinkling slightly, not knowing what she’s about to ask of me and fearing I won’t be able to keep the promise.
“Promise me that if you find yourself spiraling again. If you find yourself losing control or having thoughts of hurting yourself, promise you’ll tell me. Don’t keep it inside this time until… until it’s too late.” She swallows thickly, and I know why it’s so hard for her to talk about what happened just six months ago.
Finding your sister pulseless on the floor surrounded by empty bottles of prescription pills probably isn’t something you get over easily, if at all. A pang of guilt shudders through me at the thought of her there, panicked and alone. I’d never make the mistake of letting her be the one to find me if someday I chose to try again. She deserves better.
I take a deep breath in and out, just as Dr. Cooper taught me to do when I’m feeling overwhelmed. “I promise,” I whisper, giving her a half smile that should give my lie away.
It doesn’t, because she believes me, or at least she pretends to. She gets up to go to the bathroom, and when she does, I fumble with her key chain to find the card attached to it that leads in and out of the Mackinac Bridge. Our dad had special access because he worked for the city, and he used to take us to the top all the time. His card still works, surprisingly, I know because she still uses it at times. We used to go up there together until I became a suicidal mess who couldn’t be trusted anywhere, let alone on a bridge three hundred and fifty feet above a large body of water. Olivia will be pissed that I stole his access card, but I haven’t been there since our parents died, and haven’t been to the top in years. I just want to enjoy the view of the city alone. There’s a peacefulness up there away from the noise and lights that I’ve never been able to find anywhere else. Up there, all my scattered, broken thoughts slowly disappear.
After dinner and hugging my sister goodbye, I make my way down the street toward the bridge. I’ve been so afraid to face reality, to face my fear once and for all, but I will not let fear rule my life. I want to try for her, for Olivia. She deserves a sister who can always be there. A sister who she never again has to find lifeless on the floor. As badly as I want to take the ferry home, to just forget about healing and give up hope again, tonight hope calls to me. So just for tonight…
I will try.
Chapter Two
Giving In To Darkness
NORA
Darkness has settled into the city by the time I reach the elevator shaft of the bridge. With Olivia gone, it’s as if darkness has taken over in my mind again, as well. My mouth is too dry and my breathing too fast as the elevator carries me higher and higher. I thought this might be good for me, to come to the place where my parents died and face it head-on once and for all. I fear I was wrong. Memories of black ooze, gaping wounds, and teeth marks push their way into my thoughts as soon as the elevator doors ding and close, nearly suffocating me in such a small space.
It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. God, I’ll never be able to convince myself of that or that the darkness I felt surrounding me that night wasn’t there. I felt it. It wanted me, too. It still does.
My hands shake and my stomach flip-flops as the elevator comes to a standstill and the doors slide open with a loud ding. The sound makes me jump as it pulls me out of my haunting memories. I feel it here, that darkness. I feel it everywhere. It’s here on this bridge and in my mind, the sensation of being consumed and entangled with those shadows that lurked on the beach, relentless. I thought I could escape it for a moment here, but I was wrong. The darkness persists. I should go back. I shouldn’t be here. I should know better by now than to trust my mind. It’s not strong enough yet to be up here, in a place that makes it so easy to end the suffering once and for all.
