Deep breath in… and out. I can do this. I’m okay. I’m more than okay. I. Am. Healed. Stepping off the elevator and onto the bridge, I remind myself why I came up here to begin with. The view. The peace. God, it’s beautiful. The chill of the breeze cascades off the lake below, caressing my cheeks as I stand at the edge, gazing down at the picturesque scene laid out before me. Lake Michigan and Lake Huron on either side, the waves rising and crashing against rocks along their borders. The city lights shine brightly on the distant town, giving the false impression that we’re all safe no matter how dark it might get. The full moon gleams overhead like a beacon above the city, whispering sweet promises of new beginnings and hope when daylight returns. Right now though, I cannot feel that hope.
The black depths of the water call to me… it calls to my soul. The deep, violent darkness within the lake can release me from the pain and torment at last. I can be free. My hair whips around me, the red streaks lashing against my face and reminding me I’m still here. That I’m real. I blink back tears as I gaze out at Mackinac Island, the city I grew up in. The city my parents adored until the cruelty that is life got in the way. Here on this bridge, life took everything from me.
Dr. Cooper reminds me often that there are stages of grief, and it changes from day to day. All I know for sure is the pain from it is endless and all-consuming. I’ve had to climb and claw and rip through thick, smothering clouds of darkness every day, and have rarely seen a tiny spark of light at the end of the tunnel. Every day is a new battle, and the darkness always has new tricks up its sleeve to try to break me…to end me for good. It takes so much and yet still wants more. I’ll never truly be okay.
Closing my eyes, I lean into the breeze as another cold gust of air rushes past me, a sort of numbness wrapping its arms around me and caressing my skin like an old, familiar friend. The same numbness I felt on the beach that night. The same numbness that craved my surrender, that urged me to let go, to let it in. I don’t know what’s real anymore. The truth is, I’m no better than I was the day I voluntarily allowed myself to be put in the psych ward, no better than the day I hit rock bottom when my sister found me nearly dead. I am still no better. But here on this ledge, I don’t feel so alone. I feel seen and understood. It would be so easy to just let it all go, to free myself from the nightmare of continuing on.
I miss my parents. I need to see them again. I need to feel their arms wrapped around me and the warmth and love they infused into my soul whenever they were around. I can’t do life without them any longer. I’ve tried to move on, and I know everyone keeps reminding me that better days will come, but will they really? A year of misery has persisted, and it’s all passed in a blur. I know I should fight these intrusive thoughts, if for nothing else, then for Olivia. She deserves better. Being up here makes it too hard to keep fighting for her. I should go.
With a racing heart, I take a step back toward the elevator, and then another. Icy, soothing numbness crashes into me again, the feel of it against my skin this time more commanding and forceful. I close my eyes and breathe it in. It’s the scent of death and despair that has me freezing in place. Goosebumps climb across my skin as tendrils of evil coil around my mind, body, and soul, the comfort it brought slowly turning to icy emptiness. I open my eyes, gasping, wanting to remove the scent from the air and expel it from my lungs. I can’t no matter how hard I try, the scent and feel of death pushes its way into me further, refusing to let me go. I knew it would come for me. I knew it wasn’t over after all I’d seen that night on the beach. How could it let me live when I knew the truth? I fall to my knees, the hard metal sending shooting pains through my trembling legs. I need air. I’m suffocating. I reach for my throat, hoping to somehow force oxygen into my body, wishing the pain of being infiltrated and tormented by this darkness would end, but it’s useless. I close my eyes, preparing for death here and now.
But death doesn’t come. The pain ends and the air is no longer tinged with the scent of death and darkness. I feel nothing at all. My mind is numb. Opening my eyes, I rise from my knees and turn back toward the city lights and the temptation of the ledge.
I’ve always felt a fight within myself between the dark and the light. It doesn’t feel like a fight any longer. Not anymore. Now, as I take a step up to the ledge, glancing three hundred and fifty feet down to the surface of the lake, the sound of the crashing waves is calling me home. Into the depths of nothingness. Into the unending darkness. Into the comfort of the unknown. Here, the never-ending suffering and aching of loss torment me. I don’t want it anymore. I can’t take it anymore. I won’t. Taking a small step toward the ledge, I bite back tears that threaten to fall.
“I belong to darkness…” the whispered words forming and coming out of my mouth aren’t my own.
I’m not in control. Darkness has won. Another step closer to the ledge has my breath catching in my throat. I close my eyes, holding my arms out wide.
“I belong to darkness…” I lean into the breeze and let it carry me away…
Down. Down. Down.
The rush of wind against my entire body feels like freedom, and the icy numbness feels like home. I feel nothing and yet I’m not afraid. The darkness whispers into my mind, promising me a life full of happiness and a love I never knew existed on the other side. It promises me everything. Opening my eyes, I smile as I free-fall toward my inevitable ending, imagining my parents with open arms welcoming me into the afterlife. This is how it has to be. There is no other option for me.
After all, I was born of darkness. In the end, into the darkness I shall return.
Chapter Three
Wings and Starlight
NORA
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Suddenly, I’m snapped back into my body, and my stomach lurches and twists violently as my mind tries to piece together what led me here. Tears stream down my cheeks as I think of my sweet sister and Katie and how disappointed and heartbroken they’ll soon be. The last thing I remember is appreciating the view from the bridge and then turning to leave. I should be on the ferry close to home by now. I shouldn’t be here.
Thrashing in the air, screams force their way out, even knowing no one will hear me, that no one could save me now even if they wanted to. As I soar toward the surface of the rough lake below, I have no choice but to quickly accept my fate, whether I remember my decision to end my life or not, I know this is goodbye. Clamping my eyes closed tightly, I take in one last breath of the fresh, lake air, then accept my unfortunate ending. It was never a fight of darkness versus light for me. Darkness was always fated to win.
At the sound of flapping wings nearby, my eyes scan the darkness, my head jerking left and right but finding nothing in sight. Shock and fear course through me as suddenly something with large, feathery black wings crashes into me, swooping me out of the air and wrapping large, warm arms tightly around my waist. My gut-wrenching scream could shatter glass if there was anything but open skies and emptiness surrounding me. I fight against the force of whatever has a hold of me, but it’s useless. It won’t let go. I didn’t want to die, but now I’m wondering if this might be worse, as the wings flap louder and I’m carried faster toward the rocky shore.
Maybe this is another nightmare, a new one to give me a break from the monsters that haunt me every time my eyes close. Maybe this monster is worse than the ones I’m certain murdered my parents that night a year ago on the same bridge that led me here to this one. Maybe I’ve finally just lost my mind completely.
The edge of the beach gets closer and closer, and I take a deep breath, preparing myself to run as quickly as I can as soon as my feet hit the ground. The trembling of my body does little to hide the fear that courses through me. A moment ago, I was okay with death. I welcomed it although it didn’t feel like I was in control of my thoughts. But whatever it is that has a grip on me now, I have a feeling is much worse than death itself. I can’t turn my head to look at it. I can’t open my mouth to speak. I’m frozen in terror and wishing like hell I would have never come near the bridge tonight. I’m not ready to die, not this way, at least.
As soon as I hear the thud of boots hitting the ground, and feel the freedom of being released at last, I propel myself forward as swiftly as I can, using every ounce of strength within myself. I run without ever looking back. I don’t want to see what it is that’s sending its dark energy swirling around me. I’ll never escape. It won’t let me go; I can feel it. I push myself to run faster until my legs ache and I hold my side as the muscles there twitch painfully. I focus on the empty spaces between the trees as I race through the forest behind the beach, surrounded by nothing but complete darkness now. Maybe it won’t see me. Maybe I’m safe. I hear nothing but the sound of my own shoes pounding against the dirt. Tripping over my wobbly feet, I stumble, falling face-first into a tree before collapsing onto the ground.
“Shit…” I mutter breathlessly, rubbing at the aching, burning sensation on my forehead.
Tucking my long strands of hair behind my ears, I place my back against the tree, crouching down in an attempt to stay hidden.
My breath is too fast, and my heartbeat thuds and echoes so loudly it might as well be screaming out my exact location. I close my eyes, hearing nothing but the leaves on the trees swaying softly in the wind. Deep breath in… and out. I force myself to count to ten, feeling the adrenaline subside and my racing heart slow. Opening my eyes to face the dark, I immediately regret the decision. Crouched before me is a man in a black robe with a hood pulled over his head. I can’t see his face or even his eyes within the shadows of the robe. Maybe it doesn’t have a face at all.
I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out except for a small, ragged whimper. The shock of the swords peeking out from behind his back, the daggers strapped to his legs, and the huge, black wings spread out wide behind him render me speechless and motionless. My eyes widen as I rake my eyes up and down as he slowly stands, hands hanging at his sides casually. He bows his head as if wanting to appear safe or even respectful in front of me.
What the fuck is he? Staring at him, it feels as if he’s staring back at me, into my soul even, but I can’t be sure. I need to see his face.
“Please let me go!” I beg, my voice cracking as sobs force their way through me. “What do you want from me?” I breathe out the words, feeling almost certain whatever this thing is wants to kill me.
