“Good, good.” Bradley shifts in his seat in front of me, crossing one leg over the other, and looks down his nose at me through his thick, black-rimmed glasses. “Tell me, Nora. How have you been, really?” His voice is silky and velvety, a sound that seems to caress deep into my mind and soul.
Dr. Cooper’s voice is like a dark velvet dipped in honey, deep and comforting and sweet. It has always reminded me of my boyfriends voice in a way, and I’m pretty sure Ere’s voice alone is enough to heal anyone in all the right places. His smile is small, but it’s there. He truly wants the best for me, and I know it, but I can’t trust him. I can’t trust anyone around me anymore. I glance behind him at the cherry oak wood shelf lined with books from floor to ceiling and briefly picture him sitting at home with his favorite book and a glass of wine by the fireplace. It seems like a very Bradley thing to do after a long day of talking the crazy out of people like me. The thick curtains block out the sunlight, giving his office a cozy, relaxing atmosphere. If I try hard enough, I could maybe let my fucked-up thoughts and feelings seep out and leave them in the dark here in this place with him. But trying is hard. It’s so tiring and I’m tired of being tired.
I give him my best ‘I swear I’m not suicidal anymore smile,’ tucking my red locks behind my ears and fluttering my eyelashes up at him, attempting to convey innocence and a happy demeanor. I shrug my shoulders, my hands clasped in my lap, and my body relaxed and still. I will not let the truth show. I’ve practiced this so much now that it has gotten easy, fooling everyone into believing I’m fine. I will not cry. I will not let my hands shake or my mind spiral in front of him. I. Am. Healed. They will not lock me up again.
I take a deep breath before speaking, hoping to let the calm demeanor shine bright in the tone of my voice as well.
“Truly, I feel great,” I giggle, shrugging my shoulders. “I’ve had a rough year. Like… really rough, I know. But I’ve learned a lot about myself and about life and the world around me. I know now how to handle challenging situations when they come my way. I’m so thankful for you. Thankful to be alive.” I let my smile reach my eyes, and this time it is real. I appreciate everything Bradley has done to help me. He doesn’t need to know that it was all for nothing.
He leans forward, placing his arms on his legs, and letting his hands hang freely. His facial hair is neat but scruffy, and his brown locks are messy yet stylish, making him look much younger than the forty-five-year-old man he is.
He sighs quietly and smiles in a way that immediately makes me feel awful for all the lies I’ve fed him these past few months. “Great. Hearing that makes me so happy.”
He believes me. Every lie and every half-truth and every forced, fake-ass smile. I started coming in with my hair curled and golden eye shadow to brighten up my blue eyes, and the prettiest, brightest sundresses I could find, to fool him into seeing me as someone I’m not, and it fucking worked. How did it work so easily?
As I breathe in deep, the scent of leather and deception burns its way into my lungs and beats through my heart.
“I’m happy, too. For the first time in a long time, I am. I’m moving on. This is what my parents would want for me, and I know that now.” I don’t blink or move, keeping my eyes locked on his to show no signs that I’m attempting to deceive him.
“I’m so proud of you, Nor. You should be proud, too. Your mind tried to break you, you fought hard, and you won. You’re a warrior.” His leather chair creaks as he stands and makes his way over to his desk. “I’m writing you a one-month prescription for the medications I have you on. Increasing the dosage is no longer necessary with how well you’re doing now.” He leans on the edge of his desk, crossing his arms over his broad chest, smiling as if he feels so accomplished for healing me. For saving my life.
I’m an asshole. That’s all there is to it. I’m a liar and a fraud and if God is looking down at me right now, he is surely shaking his head in disgust and disappointment. I don’t care, though. I just want to be free.
I smooth the wrinkles out of my dress as I stand, tossing my curls over my shoulders and smiling over at him. “Does this mean our visits are over? Now that I’m… better?”
His smile vanishes, and he places his hands in front of him, palms facing toward me in a gesture to slow down. He shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m saying. Not yet, at least. Let’s see how you do with monthly visits instead of weekly. How does that sound?”
Horrible. Like a waste of time.
“Sounds great!” I beam, knowing it’s what I should say and do. “I’ll see you in a month, then?”
“See you in a month. Of course, if you need me at any time before then, please don’t hesitate to call, okay?” He straightens up and walks to the door, then opens it and turns toward me. “Your prescriptions will be ready for pickup on your way home. Don’t…forget it.” He says sternly, probably remembering back to all the times I ‘forgot’ to pick them up after our visits before.
It doesn’t matter. They’ll end up down the drain where the rest of them have gone to die.
“I won’t forget. Thank you, Dr. Cooper. For everything, really. I don’t care what people say about you, you’re not such a bad guy.” I smile playfully and his deep, carefree laugh follows me out the door even as he shuts it behind me.
On my first day seeing him I told him the truth about what I’d heard from the others at the mental health facility. They’d all agreed he was an emotionless, abrasive jerk. I’ve never seen that side of him. He’s not a bad guy at all, he is just slightly bad at reading people and picking up on emotions. Or maybe I’m just a really good actor. Too good, even. Standing in the waiting room, the receptionist scribbles my next appointment date on a business card, then slides it across the counter.
“September ninth at 10 o’clock, sweetie. See you then.” Her smile doesn’t meet her eyes. It’s barely even a smile at all.
Her hazel eyes hold a sadness within them that she isn’t very good at hiding. She isn’t rude or unkind or bitter, she’s just sad. Probably from a life full of pain and loss and heartbreak that never healed like she hoped it would. Looking at her feels like a glimpse into my future. She is me and I am her, and we both deserve much better.
The smile I give her is no longer the fake or forced one I show to Bradley, my sister Olivia, or my best friend Katie, and it’s still far from the semi genuine one I save for my boyfriend Ere. I give her the real one. The one that’s barely a smile at all, just like hers. As I walk out of the office and the sunlight hits my eyes, I block it with a hand and head toward the diner. It’s almost dinner time and Liv will be waiting for me already. She’ll be thrilled to hear the news that I’m healed.
Shattered glass and a high-pitched scream from behind the rough, beaten-up counter of Lake City Diner has me raising my eyebrows and smiling at the young waitress who giggles with the busboy passing by her. “That’s the third one this week. Jenny is going to kill you.” She rolls up the white towel she uses to wipe the counter with and playfully slaps his back with it. He pushes the squeaky swinging doors open and winks at her as he disappears into the kitchen.
They’re probably only a few years younger than me, but somehow, they seem much younger and more alive. I’m twenty-three but Olivia and Katie tell me all the time that I might as well be ninety. They see an introvert who would rather read than go out. What they don’t get is that my real hobbies the past year have been trying to fight off nightmares about monsters and simply making it through the day. Surviving is my main hobby. That’s hard enough most of the time.
“Liv!” I squeal as my sister enters the diner, strutting toward me in her black dress and heels.
The old, faded paintings hanging on the walls, and the dated chandeliers hanging above our heads are not bright enough to distract from Olivia's entrance. She always looks stunning, and today is no different.
“Hey sis!” Her high-pitched sing-song voice echoes in my ear as she wraps her arms around me and squeezes tightly. “I’ve missed you so much.” Pulling back and looking down at me, her blue eyes sparkle like sapphires as the sunlight dances across them.
She releases me and slides into the leather booth, her wavy dark hair bouncing as she takes a seat in front of me. The bright white smile she wears almost seems plastered to her face, like it couldn’t possibly be real, but it is. She’s always smiling, and I love that about her. She reaches across the table to take my hand in hers, and her bronze skin against mine makes my own look almost translucent. She resembles our dad, and everyone always called me my mom’s little twin, my freckled cheeks and red hair reminding them of her. God, she was so beautiful.
“How did your appointment with Bradley go?” She smirks, raising her eyebrows up and down at the mention of his name.
