No, no, no.
“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”
This nightmare needs to end, and though I scream at the top of my lungs, hoping to drag myself back to reality, nothing around me changes.
The black substance remains, and I want it gone. I want the memory of it erased and I want my memory of their faces to be untainted by this. Leaning forward onto my knees, I use my palms to frantically wipe at the thick, sticky, essence of evil, pushing past the burn as it sends jolts of scorching pain radiating from my fingertips up to my shoulders. I wipe at my mom’s freckle covered cheeks first, then her neck and arms before wiping my hands on my jeans, whimpering as the pain shoots from my hips down to the tips of my toes. I need to see their faces. I need to remember them the way they were before. Not like this.
Olivia grips me roughly by the shoulders, forcing me to come to a stop. “What the hell are you doing, Nora? What has gotten into you?”
“Let me go! I can’t leave them like this!” Pushing her away, I crawl across the ground to kneel before my dad, my trembling, aching hands wiping across his forehead, the thick, black venom setting every nerve ending in my body on fire. God, it hurts. It hurts and yet I continue to clean him, my vision blurring as my head begins to throb and feel heavy.
Thick, strong arms wrap around me, pulling me up and away from my parents, and I fight against them, scratching and clawing at their warm skin. This isn’t real. None of this is real.
“Let me go! Please! Let go of me!”
“Can I get some help over here!?” A voice booms, and as the sound of boots crashing against rocks rushes toward me, my whole body begins to convulse.
The officer lowers me to the cold, damp ground as an empty numbness replaces the fiery burn within me. I gasp for air, but I can’t breathe. I’m drowning. I’ve lost my mind. Something inside of me has snapped and I’ve gone completely mad. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Nausea sets in and I’m rolled to my side as bile burns its way up my throat and leaks from my trembling lips. Sobs escape as everything around me fades to black, my body stiffening and jerking as another wave of convulsions slam into me. I hear my sister repeating my name over and over, but it feels so far away, like I’m trapped in an alternate dimension that shouldn’t exist, until finally I can no longer hear her at all. Until all I see is thick, smothering blackness and all I feel is the cold, icy touch of numbness taking hold of me. As my body stills at last and my limbs go flaccid, I roll onto my back, my mind slipping and fading into oblivion. The scent of death and rot pushes its way into my soul, but for a moment I don’t feel afraid as a deep, comforting voice whispers into my mind.
Nora… my light… my flame… open your eyes.
But I can’t open my eyes knowing the darkness surrounding me tonight has completely consumed me. Here, on this beach, with shadows closing in and numbness wrapped around my mind, my body and thoughts no longer feel like my own.
Darkness has claimed me.
Chapter One
Chaos Inside
NORA
ONE YEAR LATER
Every day when I wake up, my first thought is how badly I want to die. My eyes flutter open and burn from the rays of sunlight pouring in through my lacy, sheer curtains, and I want to drift back off to sleep and never have to open my eyes again. The lake outside my window sends its waves rising and falling, crashing onto the shore in tumultuous chaos, mirroring the feelings I carry inside of me. I squint my eyes as I stand and peer out the window, the Mackinac bridge taunting me in the distance, like a ghost from my past life that will stand and haunt me forever. Every morning is the same.
I can’t tell my therapist any of this. He’ll send me back to the psych ward, a place where misery reigns and dreams go to die. I’m not like them, the people who dissociate from reality and can no longer decipher between reality and imagination. I know someday I might heal from my trauma, from the loss of the two greatest people I’ve ever known, and that someday I will move on. I know, and yet it changes nothing.
Life feels so meaningless.
As I pull on my cutest sundress and quickly smear make-up across my eyelids and lips, my limbs feel heavy and worn down. I have nothing left to give, but I must keep up the façade. Smile. Laugh. Tell them I’m alright. If the past year has taught me anything, it’s that people see what they want to see. Grabbing my keys off the counter, I glance at the clock above the stove, the ticking sound ringing through the air and reminding me that time is still moving. Most days I forget.
I rush through town, savoring the quiet calm of the place now that tourists have left the island to avoid the isolation that comes when winter hits and the lake freezes over. They crave the peacefulness that comes from a town that prohibits cars and allows travel only by horse-drawn carriage, like some fairytale world where time moves slower and things are simpler. Yet, the thought of not being able to leave, of being stuck here with no way out terrifies them. I guess some fairytales aren’t meant to last forever. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.
The ferry ride takes twenty minutes, and I barely remember going from point A to point B. There are many times I struggle to remember what I’ve done or where I’ve been. Every day passes in a blur of faded colors and muted sounds. Jumping off the ferry and onto the dock in Mackinac City, I push my shoulders back and remind myself to appear normal as I stride toward Dr. Cooper's office.
Smile.
Laugh.
Everything is just fine.
As I sit in the dimly lit waiting room, the walls covered in sickly green wallpaper, I pick at the skin on the edge of my nails, impatiently waiting to be called back.
“Come on in, Nora.” Dr. Cooper's bright smile radiates positivity as he holds the door open wide and watches me pass through. “How are you today?” We both sit down.
“Hi, Dr. Cooper! I’m doing good, thanks. How are you?” My voice is too high and too bright and too much like anyone but me.
