“I’m sorry,” I whisper, turning my face away from him. When I try to stand, his arms tighten around me.
“Just stay here. Give yourself a moment.”
So I do. I settle back into him against my better judgment.
All of the things that transpired between us aside, his body against mine is a comfort that cannot be replaced, and I feel as if I will fall apart without him holding me together.
“You’re not dreaming,” Rowan suddenly says. “I’m telling you that now because I don’t want you to hate me or call the police once you’re fully stable again. You really did call me.”
I sigh, taking a second to breathe in the smell of him once more. “I know. I figured that out.”
Rowan is quiet for a moment, and I’m too afraid to read his expression or ask him what must be going through his brain, so I stay quiet as well. I do not move.
I am so fucking embarrassed. I know that I told Rowan once that I wasn’t a very emotional guy, but I never intended for him to find my medication or see this side of me.
“You… you said that I look just like him. Like Aaron,” Rowan suddenly recalls.
I freeze against him, my hands clenching where they grip his shirt.Fuck.
“Ignore that,” I tell him.
“I can’t just ignore that. You know what that means, don’t you?”
“Rowan, no,” I say, pushing away from him to stand. “I’m all out of sorts right now, and I think… I think you should leave.”
He says nothing at first, and when I finally turn to look at him, I find Rowan staring at his own hands. He seems to be debating something, fighting some kind of internal battle. Finally, his eyes rise to meet mine, and my own breath catches at the sight of his fierce determination.
“Listen to me,” he starts, standing from his spot on the bed. “I am going to say this, and once I’m done, if you still want me to leave, I will.”
He gives me room to decline or to insist that I don’t want to hear him out, but I do neither.
“Okay.” My voice comes out small—scared.
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve had dreams of this man named Benjamin. In these dreams, I am in love with him. And because of this, and my own crippling depression, I’ve never allowed myself to get close to others.”
I can see the embarrassment on his face as he speaks, as if he’s admitting to something he’s never quite said out loud.
He continues. “And when you showed up at my house it freaked me out, because you lookedjustlike him. So, of course, I tried to send you away. Only, you were so persistent. And I could see it—that you felt some kind of draw toward me, too.”
“Rowan—”
“Just listen. That first night we slept together, you cannot convince me you didn’t feel something inside of you shift. You—the man who feels nothing—sobbing and clinging to me as if you were going to die without me. The entire time, my body kept screaming at me. Kept screaming that I finally found you, begging for you to remember me.”
I jolt at his words, my own memory flooding back to me.
Do you remember me now?
“And in my dreams, Benjamin started calling me Aaron. It was a new development that started after we met. I have papers where I wrote my dreams down, ones you saw, that prove this. Don’t you see Elijah?" Rowan asks me. "We’ve been here before. The two of us. I’m not sure what happened, and I’m not sure why, but this sadness I’ve carried my entire life was a roadmap, not a burden.”
There are tears in his eyes now. He’s staring at me with such yearning—a man pleading.
“I’ve suffered for so long, intentionally alone, all so I could find my way back to you. And instead,youcame tome. We are meant for each other; we have already loved each other for so long,” he concludes.
I turn away, shoving my hands into my hair in an attempt to ground myself.
It’s too much. It’scrazy.
But… I did feel a weird connection to him. Even now, I want him. And this ache and this sorrow I’ve felt and relished in since we’ve met is so unexplainable that it really could be anything…
