Fuck, is he convincing me?
My body is shaking, and I feel that any second I’ll spiral back into another panic attack.
“This is crazy,” I say, and Rowan chuckles breathlessly.
“Isn’t it? It’s absolutely nuts, yet doesn’t it feel so right? When you look at me, do you feel safe? When I touch you, does it feel like coming home? When I’m gone, is it as if something vital has been taken from you?”
Slowly, I turn to face him. He’s still staring at me with those pleading eyes, but he’s smiling now. It’s small and gentle, but I can tell that he has hope. That he fully believes every word he’s speaking and in this bizarre past he thinks we shared.
“Yes,” I whisper, because all of those things are true. All of those things and more.
“What happened to you today? What did you see?” he demands, and I can feel the tears welling up again. Rowan is in front of me in a flash, hands sliding against my cheeks to hold me. “Tell me, baby.”
“I…”
Can I? Am I able to open that dream back up and decipher it? Just acknowledging that Ihadthe damn dream makes me want to vomit; reliving it sounds like hell.
“I know it’s hard. I know it hurts. Share that pain with me, let me in.” His voice is so soothing; every syllable he sounds is a promise that quells the violence inside of me.
I want him so badly.
“I was falling,” I begin, and my voice is once again small and pained. “I was falling from a bridge to die, and I was happy.”
Rowan’s breathing stutters, and his eyes grow wide, as if this was the last thing he expected me to say."Okay..."
“And then… and then someone who looked just like you jumped after me, and suddenly I was very sad. I didn’t want him to die, too. So I did my best to angle my body—to make sure he landed on top of me. To make sure he lived. And I kept thinking to myself how I wanted to tell him—in my head, I called him Aaron—I wanted to tell Aaron that I loved him. And then I died.”
Tears are falling from Rowan’s eyes, and his thumbs rub soft circles against my cheeks.
“Oh,” he whispers.
“I’m terrified of heights, so it’s weird that I was so calm in this dream, that I was so happy. When I came to, I got off the ride and threw up, and B—” I stop speaking. My eyes widen just as Rowan’s narrow.
“And what?”
“Nothing.” I try to push his hands away, but instead, he grips my biceps.
“What are you keeping from me, Eli?” he demands.
It’s kind of ironic, all things considered. The king ofhidingis lecturing me. But the look in his eyes keeps me from commenting on it, and I swallow thickly as I look away from him.
“It was… it was Bennett who forced me onto that ride. The one that triggered that dream.”
“Bennett was… you were with him?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I murmur.
“As in you ran into him? Where? At the festival?” His questions are coming at me a mile a minute, and I shake my head softly.
“No. I went to the festivalwithhim.” I’ve never been a liar, and I have no reason to hide. I did nothing wrong.
Yet, as I meet his eyes and see the pain and the sorrow there, I feel as if I have. I feel as if I have betrayed him and hurt him, and that makes me want to vomit once more.
“Oh,” he repeats. Rowan’s hands fall away, and once he is no longer touching me, I find that I miss it so much I want to cry.
“Rowan—”
“It’s fine. We weren’t—you didn’t owe me exclusivity. I just… oh, man.” He turns away from me, and I watch his back expand with every deep breath he takes. “So what? He comforted you and drove you home? Justleftyou like this?”
