I’m panting, arms now outstretched again to keep my balance.
“Benjamin,” he cries. “I love you so fucking much. Please—pleasedon’t leave me. Don’t leave me here without you. I can’t handle it. Please, I’m begging.”
I can’t look at him, terrified of what I’ll see when I turn to look.
“You’re strong, Aaron. You’ll get through this. I promise.”
“Motherfucker! You aren’t listening to me!” he screams. “I won’t! I won’t get through it! I’ve spent over half of my life watching you—waiting for you. And now you want to up and die? Fuck me! I feel like I’m being shredded to pieces, Button.”
At that, I finally look over my shoulder again to face him.
He’s still on his knees, sobbing, head bowed to me as he begs me to come down.
My darling God, praying to me.
“I love you more than anything else in this world, my little bluebird,” I tell him, and he jumps up to stand—eyes so terrified, so fucking terrorized.
“No!Wait! Don’t go, don’t leave me. Wait—please,” he wails. “I can’t do it. I can’t. I need you. Don’t go—don’t leave me to love you in this purgatory. I’ll hold you every day; I’ll love you so fucking hard through every moment in any way you need it. Justfucking pleasedon’t go. Don’t make me watch.” He takes a step forward. “Don’t make me watch you die.”
“Aaron…” I whisper. He’s slowly stepping toward me—but this part of me clawing its way to him keeps me on the railing.
“Baby—I will burn that entire house to the ground. I’ll fucking kill her with my bare hands. I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life in bed with you, soothing your cries and kissing away your tears. If that’s what you need, I’ll happily dedicate the rest of my life to taking care of you.”
“I can’t ask that of you. I can’t make you do that.”
“That’s what a god does,” he says simply, startling me down to my bones. “That’s what I’m made to do—to care for you, to guide you, no?” Slowly, I find myself nodding. He’s closed half of the gap by now—hands outstretched as he walks—staring up at me like he’ll scream if I make any sudden moves.
He continues. “If I didn’t want this, if I didn’t crave being that kind of person for you—I would have never let you get on your knees in front of me and devote yourself to me. I would have never buried myself so deep inside of you that our souls intertwined into one.”
I can feel the hot tears slipping all the way down my neck as I watch him, listen to him. He’s convincing me… and maybe he’s right. He does like taking care of me. And maybe with time, I can feel better? I started to feel better after the first time, eventually.
“The moment you let me sink my teeth into you—no, the moment you stood there and let me watch you shower, staring at me with those curious, sweet eyes of yours—you became mine. You can’t just leave. You’re stealing. You’re taking from me what’s mine, Button. It’s not fair,” he scolds. I see my necklace in one of his hands, feel that barbed wire around my throat tighten.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper—because I am. Because I want to jump so badly. “I just wanted to follow in their footsteps. My parents.”
Aaron takes a deep breath, now close enough to grab me if he wanted to. “It’s okay, baby. I forgive you.” He’s staring up at me, hand held out for me. Inches away. “Benjamin, come down. Now.”
Nodding, I turn away from the water. He’s right, I can’t just leave him. At least not like this—not in front of him. And I could never deny him anyway. I reach a hand out, feeling his fingertips on mine.
My sneaker catches on the box holding my mom’s ashes. I’d forgotten she was there.
My stomach falls as I slip backwards—hearing a scream that might be mine but is probably Aaron’s as I watch the sky above me—falling. It’s so slow, so slow in time.
I spent so long trying to save Mom—just for her to kill me in the end.
I feel the tension leave my body as I fall, as I hurdle toward an end I’ve dreamt of for so long.
And then terror fills me anew as I see Aaron clear the railing—hand outstretched as if to grab me. He’s so beautiful, even like this. Petrified and upside down. He will die too.
My stupid, silly little bluebird. Doesn’t he know he can’t really fly?
I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And now I’ve killed him. I’m sorry—I’m so fucking sorry.
Goodbye.
I’m wailing. As I come to, as my eyes shoot open and I spring up off the mattress, I am deafened by the sound of my own cries.
My skin is clammy with sweat, and the sheets wrap tightly around my bare hips. I feel suffocated; I feel like I’m about to panic.
