This is a time to lie, only because it would benefit him. “I do sometimes.”
His little brows raise as he looks up at me. “You do?”
I nod. “Now face the front, and don’t let go.”
The hearses begin their final journey and one by one the brothers rev their engines. Sebastian flinches but holds his head high as we pull away from the curb. Dad would expect no less today than the club riding with him. He made this ride many times over the years for fallen brothers. He wouldn’t care hisfinal ride wasn’t from the club, he would want what was easier for the love of his life.
All I have to do is get through today, then maybe I’ll have time to right my lie and cry.
Over one hundred brothers ride behind my father and I can feel every engine rumble through me. If dad was here to see this turn out for him, he’d be at peace.
People in the neighborhood venture out of their houses to see what the hell is going on, and the sheriff and her deputy watch on from their cruisers as we pass.
The cemetery isn’t far from the house and as we ride through the gates, my chest tightens with anticipation of the so-called final goodbye.
“Can I stand with you, Dad?” Sebastian asks once we’re parked and off the bike.
It's not usual for the brothers to sit with the old ladies or children if the children are present. This is my dad and if my boy wants to stand with me and the club, he can so today.
I let Nina know and she’s happier so she can deal with my mom. I hold his hand as we walk behind the coffin. Shane and Dex’s coffins fall into line and Libby walks arm in arm with Mom.
Every now and then Sebastian squeezes my hand, and I wonder how sees this through his young eyes. This is his first time attending a funeral. Stepping to the side, I kneel and come eye to eye with him. “If you want to cry, cry. Don't worry about anyone seeing you. If you want to wait till later when we’re home, then that’s fine as well. All that matters is you’re Slade McCarthy’s grandson and you can do what the fuck you like.”
Tapping his chin up, I add, “Cry or no, keep your chin up and own it. Okay.”
He nods. “Like you.”
“Yeah, like me.”
The brothers line up in rows around the grave and the old ladies take their seats. Sebastian is the only child here and I rest my hands on his shoulders as he stands in front of me.
I look anywhere but at my father’s coffin and see Kyla sat with Emma and Aspen. It's been so long since I’ve seen her. She hasn’t been around the club since Ricky and Pope died. I don’t particularly blame her. Everywhere I look I see India and now my dad. India’s blood will always be visible to me in the bar, and I reckon I’ll always hear my dad’s laughter there too.
Memories can be nice but most of the time, they can be more harmful than good. I look down at the top of my son’s head and promise to never put him in this position. Not until I'm old and grey and my time is natural. I don’t have the first fucking idea how I'm going to fulfil this promise but it’s one I'm not going to break.
3
Harper
Ishould take solace in all the brothers showing up to pay their respects to my uncle but all I feel is anger. And when I'm not full of rage, a fear takes holds of me and grips its mangled fingers around me. Logically I know he was killed by Hopper and his men, but when I let my thoughts run away with themselves, it’s my mother I blame. She wrote me, saying she could finally find peace, but I wouldn’t put it past her to drag her brother to the other side because she’s just as much of a fuck up there as she was when she was alive. She couldn’t bear to be alone when she was here, I don’t reckon she would change that much on the other side.
Why else would I lose one of the constant men in my life. It was him and only him I had growing up that I could rely on. He was the reason I had a roof over my head as a child, had food on the table, and clothes on my back. He was the father I never had and the reason I didn’t believe ‘all men’ were pathetic excuses of oxygen. No matter how much my mom pissed him off, no matter how many headaches she caused him, he was always there for me.
“Just let me do the talking, okay, sweetheart?”
Staring at the purple bruise under her left eye, I simply nod and return to staring out of the car window.
I was meant to start high school today, instead, we’re driving across the country to go stay with my uncle for a while.
Bobby, Mom’s latest asshole boyfriend is to blame and another ex of hers for me to hate.
It's been so long since we last visited Uncle Slade and I look forward to Aunt Kristen’s cooking. Unlike my mom, she can cook and my mouth waters at the thought. She always cooks too much, and I polish off as much as I can, knowing mom will uproot us when she’s had enough of her hometown and we’ll be back to takeouts.
The car turns onto his street, and I sit forward, taking my belt off. I can’t help the grin when I see him working on his bike on the drive. Zachery is playing with a water pistol on the front lawn and Kristen is sat on the front step. As usual, they’re the perfect family and the jealousy consumes me.
Mom parks by the curb and I throw open my door and run over to Slade. He's the only person in this world who smiles when he sees me. His hugs are the best, too.
“Hey, sweetheart. I wasn’t expecting to see ya today.”
