“Why does this have your name on it?” I questioned, like he’d know the answer.
“Maybe she left it for me to read. I see you have one as well,” he pointed out.
Opening the envelope with my name printed on the front, I removed the paper and unfolded it before tears fell. Hearing from my mother one last time was something I desperately needed at this moment. Shane was right when he said there were no words that would comfort me. The only comfort I wanted was from my mother herself. I needed to feel her arms wrapped around me and her letting me know she was still with me. I folded the letter and decided I wouldn’t read it until we made it home.
“You wanna eat over here or you wanna go home?”
“Can we go to your place? I don’t wanna be at home right now, but I am tired.”
“Whatever you want, love.”
We’d just pulled into his parents’ driveway and the events of this past week finally started to come down on me. My eyelids becoming heavy was a clear indicator. Robert unlocked the door and welcomed us inside. I’d seen pictures of Robert before he had been released from prison, but those images were not the same man I was introduced to. Robert gave his son a run for his money in the muscle department and he looked thirty-five instead of fifty-five. He and Shane shared so many of the same personality traits that it was scary. Shane wasn’t much of a talker and I came to realize his father was the same way. Neither of them spoke just to hear themselves talk. They were observant individuals who picked up on the smallest things most missed.
“Hey, Celeste… I’d ask you how you’re feelin’ but I already know the answer. Just know if you need anything, me and Lynn are only a phone call away. My son has made it clear that you’re part of this family now and we look out for our family. Lynn speaks so highly of you that I’m sure she’d be pleased to spend extra time with you,” Robert said as he embraced me like a father.
He and Lynn were the most kindhearted people I’d ever met. I remembered the first time I met Lynn; she was so warm and welcoming that it scared me. Robert had only known me a good week, yet he treated me like I’d been around for years, even before my mother passed.
“Thank you so much, Mr. Scott. I appreciate it.”
Lynn moved around the kitchen with music playing lowly. I spotted the tea kettle on the stove and already knew she was making her famous infused tea. There were a few foil pans sitting on the counter, but I couldn’t see what they were since they were covered.
“Come have a seat, sweetheart. I know you want to be alone but at least drink a little tea. There’s a few magnesium supplements to help with that as well,” Lynn said as she pointed to the vitamins on the table.
“Thank you. I keep meaning to stop by the vitamin store to pick some up, but I never get around to it,” I admitted.
“You’ll get to it. It really does help though.”
Lynn was no longer in her funeral attire. Now, she was dressed in a pair of gray leggings with a fitted white T-shirt. Since the day her husband came home, she’d been more relaxed and genuinely happier. Shane could barely get her on the phone these days and he wasn’t happy about that. He and Robert playfully went back and forth about who Lynn’s protector was and I thought it was funny. Since family was something I didn’t have much of, it felt good to be part of a family who didn’t play behind each other.
“Momma, why you in here trying to get my lady high?”
“Because it’s gonna give her the best sleep she’d had in a while. There’s more than THC in there. I mix several natural herbs, so not too much on me.”
“Not too much on me,” Shane mocked as he took a seat next to me.
“Boy, don’t get kicked out of my house.”
“Oh, now that Pops is home you wanna threaten to kick a nigga out. You been treatin’ me like a stepchild ever since this nigga touched down.”
“Every time I look up, you comin’ at my wife about me. Get over yourself, lil nigga,” Robert added.
To drive his statement home, he stood behind his wife and wrapped his arms around her waist before shooting Shane a wink and making the two of us burst into laughter. While we waited for the tea to finish, Lynn made us to-go plates and even made sure to pack some of the homemade peach cobbler she made last night. This lady truly knew how to get down in the kitchen. I was a good cook as well, but Lynn had me beat. After Shane and I drank the tea, we gathered our things and left. Light snowflakes fell as we drove to his home.
This winter hadn’t been bad, but it’d snowed every other day. Thankfully, we’d only had a few days where the temperature dropped to the negatives. Today was about forty degrees, a warm day for us in Gwendal. When we finally made it home, Shane and I decided to shower together. It had been over a week since we’d been intimate. It felt good to be back in his arms. My man’s kisses paired with the effects from the tea had me feeling the calmest I’d been in a while. At the moment, I felt like everything would eventually be okay.
Shane rubbed my body in cocoa butter before giving me his T-shirt to put on. He let me know he was going to heat our food up and passed me the TV remote. Standing from the bed, I walked over to my purse and retrieved the letter with my name on it. I debated internally on when I should read it, but I needed to know what was inside. I sat cross-legged on the edge of bed and opened the last words I’d ever consume from my mother.
Celeste,
My one and only child. If you’re reading this right now, it means I’ve made my transition. The day the doctor diagnosed me with this terminal illness, all I could do was pray for your strength. Since Allen was in the picture, I figured it’d be him to help you get through this challenging time. The day you finally told me the truth about him, I felt like a fool for not seeing past his charm. As a mother, I felt like I failed you for a second time. The first time being when I didn’t get you the help or justice for what happened that horrible night. No words can explain the guilt I lived with. I couldn’t apologize enough for not taking action about that man touching you, baby girl.
I handled things the best way I saw fit and did what I thought was right at the time. As a parent, you sometimes reflect on things that you could’ve done differently in the past, but at that point, it’s too late. I’m sorry, baby girl…the point of this letter was never to dump my regrets and shortcomings on you. I’m writing this letter to give you information you rightfully deserve. It was never my intention to hurt you by keeping your father from you. I was being selfish by only considering my feelings when it came to him. His name is Phillip Thomas. The last time I checked, he still lived in NorthCarolina. He knows who you are and has always wanted a relationship with you.
When I met Phillip, things weren’t supposed to go as far as they did. He was a married man going through a rough patch with his wife. They were on the verge of divorce, but Phillip was a mess behind it. I was the fun girl from out of town who took his mind off what he had going on at home. Everything was perfect until I told him I was pregnant. It was only at that point that I realized reality had interrupted our fantasy. From the start, he told me that even if he and his wife didn’t work out, he wouldn’t be ready to jump into another serious relationship so soon. He always promised to take care of you, but that wasn’t enough for me. In my eyes, he and I were supposed to be together and raise you happily ever after. It kills me to say your mother was a woman who had to learn the hard way that babies didn’t keep a man.
For the first two years of your life, we were back and forth between Gwendal and Charlotte. The weekend of your second birthday, we went down there for the last time. Phillip’s mother was throwing you a backyard party and invited damn near every family member. I ended up getting to the house earlier than expected. When I got there, I overheard Phillip on the phone with another woman. It might sound foolish, but at the time,I would’ve taken it better had the other woman been his ex-wife. Once again, your father had chosen another woman over me and I couldn’t understand why. In my eyes, I was doing everything I could to show him I was worthy enough to be with him, but he never saw it.
I took you home that weekend and never looked back. Looking back on the entire situation, I wish I could go back in time and right all my wrongs. Having this conversation with you in person was something I didn’t have the courage to do. There were so many times I wanted to tell you the truth, but I’ve already caused you so much heartache. I know I’ve said it a million times before, but baby girl, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being the perfect mother or the perfect example a mother should be. I could go on and on about all the joy you’ve brought to my life, baby girl.
