“Ma… are you feeling okay?” I asked as I walked into the room.
My heart dropped when I saw how drained she looked. Her eyelids were heavy and she could barely keep them open. My heart broke into a million pieces as I realized this was it. She’d scared me a few times prior, but this time felt different.
“Ladybug, sit down,” she said weakly.
“Momma, we gotta get you to the hospital.”
“Sit down…please.”
I sat in the chair next to the bed and just shook my head. I was in disbelief that this was my reality. The world around me felt more like a haze and I no longer had any control over my emotions.
“Celeste, baby, I’m tired. I’ve held on for as long as I could. I’m ready to rest and I need you to be okay with moving on with your life. I love you so much and there’s so many things I wish I could go back and change. My health being one of them. You were perfect, baby girl, and I need you to know that. You’ve made me realize what forgiveness truly looks like. You’re all I had in this life, Celeste. I love you and promise I’ll always be with you. I prayed so hard that God would give me a chance to see you walk down the aisle, but I’ll be watching from above. I’ll be with you when you deliver my grandson.”
“Momma, I’ll never be ready for you to leave, but I don’t want you to suffer. I know you’re ready. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. You don’t have to convince me of how much you love me because I already know. Get your rest,” I responded before laying my head on her chest.
She kissed my forehead as I let my emotions unfold. I was so consumed in my own tears that I hadn’t realized her grip around me had loosened. Not wanting to come to terms with my reality, I continued to hold my lifeless mother and cry into her chest. By the time I gathered myself enough to process a complete thought, I called the ambulance and opened the front door to give them easy access. Just as I heard the sirens getting closer, the nurse, Allison, stepped in. Her expression went from blank to worry when she saw my face. Running past me, she headed to the room and let out an audible gasp when she saw my mother.
Moments later, three EMTs raided my place. They asked several questions I could barely answer. Knowing I needed someone by my side, I finally placed a call to Shane. After letting me know he was on his way, I called Jade before taking a seat on the couch. Within an hour, I’d gotten back something so valuable to me and lost someone who could never be replaced. Flaws and all, my mother was my world and all I had at one point.
“Celeste, baby…we have to go to the hospital,” Shane said, bringing me back to the present.
I saw him when he walked through the door, but I was so disconnected that I’d momentarily forgotten he and Jade were here. Shane grabbed my phone and purse from the table and helped me to my feet. He hadn’t said much of anything since he arrived, but he’d been doing his best to comfort me. When we left the house, I got into his truck and stared out of the window the entire time. I was still in disbelief that my mother had transitioned right in my arms. Although my eyes were wide open, Shane had to call my name before I realized we’d pulled into the hospital parking lot. There was no need for me to rush inside and bombard nurses. My mother had been pronounced dead before they brought her out of the house. Any hope I once had was now gone.
“Celeste…come on, boo. Let me get you out of here,” Jade said as she caressed my shoulder.
“I can’t leave her here alone. I just…I just can’t, Jade. I can’t walk away,” I expressed through painful tears.
Over the past week, I’d been so busy taking care of my mother’s business that I hadn’t gotten a chance to process everything. Shane was by my side every night and barely got any rest due to tending to me. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, it didn’t last long because I saw my mother in every dream. Waking up to reality felt like a new heartbreak every time. Since we didn’t have much family, the funeral had been small. I opted not to have a repast. At this moment, celebrating my mother’s homegoing wasn’t something I was ready to do.
Shane’s mother convinced me to pack up my mother’s room. She said keeping all of her things around could do more harm in the long run. Of course, the grieving process would be hard, but letting her things linger wouldn’t help the situation. I decided to take her advice and move all of my mother’s things into my storage unit. I kept photo albums and a few items for myself, but that was it. The last thing I had to do was stop by the bank and empty her lockbox. Honestly, I was in no hurry since I hadn’t expected much to be in there.
I’d gotten through the funeral as best as I could, but it took everything in me not to scream out how I wanted. I was too young to be going through this and it simply wasn’t fair. I just knew a miracle would happen and she’d be cured of all her illnesses, but that didn’t happen. In hindsight, I’d gotten more time with her than expected, but it wasn’t long enough. I’d grown accustomed to sitting with her and talking about my ideasfor Luxe Addiction. Calling her on a Sunday and listening to her fuss at me for interrupting her sermon on TV would surely be missed.
My mother was the person who listened to me when I told her how far I wanted my brand to go. She was the one who got on me for not living my life to the fullest. There was no way my life would ever feel complete without her here.
“Celeste… Please let us take you home, baby girl. You’re not leaving her here. Her spirit and soul are not in that casket. I know it’s hard, I promise I understand. If you wanna come back tomorrow, I’ll personally bring you. Today has taken a mental toll on you and I just want you to at least try to rest,” Lynn said.
I wasn’t sure if hearing Lynn’s voice was what I needed to snap out of it, but I finally looked away from the plot since we’d gotten here. My eyes connected with the few people who’d been here with me every step of the way. As usual, Jade had been a real one. She’d been making sure Luxe Addiction ran smoothly in my absence and had even reached out to the new manager I’d interviewed a few months back. She was the one to help me pack my mother’s belongings and even brought me dinner a few times just to make sure I was eating. Between her and Shane, they left no room for me to neglect myself. Shane walked up and placed a kiss on my forehead before taking my hand and leading me to his truck. He and Jade exchanged words before she and her mother started the walk to her car.
“Can you take me by the bank please? I’ve been telling them I’d be by today before they closed. It shouldn’t take me long to collect her things,” I said as Shane followed the winding pathway out of the cemetery.
“Of course, baby. Anything else you need to do while we’re out?”
“That’s all. I think I’m finally ready to sleep for a few hours,” I admitted as I stared at him.
This was my first time seeing my man in a suit and I just now realized how good he looked in it. There was nothing my man couldn’t pull off. He truly looked good in anything. Hell, he looked even sexier in nothing.
“What you lookin’ at me like that for?”
“I was just thinking about how handsome you look. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Thank you, love. Don’t apologize for that shit though. You’re going through the hardest day of your life. The last thing I’m worried about is you not giving me a compliment.”
“I know. I’m just telling you what was on my mind since you asked. I don’t know what to do with myself now that she’s gone and all of this is over. I feel like my ear has been glued to the phone for the past week. The lock box and getting the death certificate are the last things I need to do,” I stated.
“I’ve been struggling with being there for you, baby. It’s hard to come up with the right words to say because none of it will comfort you. I want you to know I’m here every step, but I don’t have words. If you wanna talk and want me to just listen, I can do that. If you want me to hold you while you cry, I’ll do that. I’ll do anything you need. The only thing I ask is that you’ll talk to someone if the grief becomes too much.”
After agreeing to his terms, the rest of the ride to the bank was silent. When I made it inside, I was given the key to the box. There were a few envelopes inside. Thankfully, it took no time to handle business before we were on our way back to Shane’s place. I had no intention of opening any of these envelopes today until one caught my attention.
