Because there is nothing in this world I would take, nothing I wouldn’t keep if it meant he will never look at me the same way again. Not even my demon. I will keep it without question and fight it gladly every night for the rest of my life if things can only stay the same. I just can’t help the feeling that it’s too late and that I’ve just sacrificed the most precious thing I have in this world on the altar of my own stupidity.
“How were your dreams last night?”
Vakesh sits across from me, a variety of fruits arranged thoughtfully on the table between us. He arrived late in the morning, wearing his usual cheeky smile, filling my heart with promises of normality. Though he seems to be unchanged by last night’s lesson, I eye him skeptically.
“Muddled?” I sip the hot black tea he brought with him, tilting my head to the side thoughtfully. “The dreams were the same, only less—”
“Violent?” He quirks an eyebrow.
I smile and shake my head. “They were justless. I’m not sure how else to describe it.”
“And if you were home, would you be heading for the sparring ring this morning?”
“Absolutely.” I grin.
He frowns at that.
“But only because I love reminding Bront that he hasn’t bested me in years,” I say.
A beaming smile followed by his beautiful laughter causes his eyes to sparkle in the dim light of the room. “I’m not sure he needs to be reminded. You were barely eighteen when I realized you’d already outgrown most of your teachers.”
“When did I outgrow you?” I ask slyly, eyeing him over my steamy mug.
“If I’m still teaching you things, you haven’t outgrown me yet.”
The air in the room seems to still around us and I swear I hear his muscles creak under the tension.
“I suppose you’re right,” I laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “Though I admit, I’m glad it was you and not Leanna who taught me my last lesson.”
His laugh booms into the room, his eyes watering, and just like that, the tension dissipates from his body and the weight that had settled between us evaporates.
Us. We are just us. We are happy, and nothing will change.
I spend the entire day reminding myself of it. Every time he laughs, every sarcastic comment and cheeky smile he graces me with, I tell myself we are fine.
He stays through the day, and we reminisce about the years I was his student.
“You were always my favorite,” he admits, as if I don’t know.
“And you were always mine,” I assure him with my sweetest smile. And my heart aches because for some reason I can’t quite understand, the words feel a little too much like goodbye.
He stays for dinner, leaving shortly after with promises of returning in the morning. Two more days at sea and the following dawn will see us at port in A’kori, forcing us to part ways for stars only knows how long. Too many unknowns exist in each of our futures to make promises of days tocome.
I hate that it bothers me, and I hate Leanna for tearing us apart years ago. ‘You were always my favorite.’ The words play over in my mind. Leanna knew it and thought his favor made me weak, in more ways than she would ever say. Leanna always had her reasons, and I have lived alongside her long enough to know that she is usually right in her decisions. Just one more thing I will never admit to her.
I hang my dress in the wardrobe and settle into my cot for the night, leaving the lantern low. My thoughts turn to my lesson early that morning and once again, questions flood my mind. Is this something I will have to do every night? Not that I mind, but it could prove difficult if ever I have to share a room. Would Leanna approve? Do I care? Can I even do this on my own?
It is the last that stops the torrent of questions flooding through my mind. None of the others matter if I can’t accomplish for myself what Vakesh had so easily done for me. I roll onto my back, exhale deeply, and, with my brow furrowed in determination, shove my hand between my legs. I mimic his movements exactly. A circling here, a swirl there, light dip, and glide. My stomach clenches and my body jerks away from my hand in clear disapproval.
Too much pressure. Try again.
Twenty minutes later I growl in frustration. If Vakesh can call my release within seconds, there is no reason I cannot do the same. I debate trying again. I debate letting the dreams take hold and trying again in the morning. I debatepitch.
How quickly can I find a source in A’kori?
I decide on pulling the service bell rope. Five minutes later a knock sounds, and I open the door to be greeted by a rather sleep rumpled captain wearing a tired glare.
Clutching a sheet to my chest, I simply say, “Ale, lots of it.”
