Of how sorrowful she was the night she lost her baby. And I wonder about the unfairness of it all. That someone like Hannah had such a blessed, privileged life and a child, and she couldn't do right by him. Squandered her blessings with her selfishness.
And Sarah, who I instinctively know would have been eternally grateful for having the kind of life Hannah had, and the opportunities therein, got handed the life she was dealt. It's senseless.
We break apart and scrub a hand down our faces, each of us giving each other a sheepish look.
"You alright?" I ask, and he nods, before getting off the stool to walk to the fridge. Noting that he's embarrassed, I put some music on to help ease the tension as we start dinner. We talk about his latest love interest and his friendships in Spain while he stands next to me and chops the ingredients to make a broccoli alfredo and salad. It’s Tyler’s favorite; I only eat it when he's home.
As we work I can't help but smile, secretly thinking how well Sarah would fit in, if she ever wanted to. Maybe if she was here, we'd be having bolognese.
I pick up my phone to text Sarah back.
Alex [6:02p]: I can’t wait to hold Bunny! Do you think she’ll like me?
Sarah Bella [6:04p]: =D Crying laughing.
Alex [6:04p]: What’s so funny?
Sarah Bella [6:05p]: Nothing at all. Let's just cross our fingers and hope for the best. Are you having a good day?
I contemplate telling her what's going on, not wanting to worry her by sharing the fucked-up issues between me and Hannah. She has her own ex to think about.
Alex [6:06p]: It’s gotten so much better now that I heard from you. Can I save that picture as your photo on my phone?
Sarah Bella [6:07p]: Lol, sure, send me one of you to save as well. Have a great night with your son. Gotta go.
Chapter thirty-one
Flighty Conversations
Utterlyexhausted,IspendSaturday morning sleeping in after my performance the night before. I know I've been pushing myself too hard since my miscarriage, but I just don'thave the time or the finances to take the break I know I need. So the band offered to have last night be a love ballad night, and thankfully I was able to sit and sing easy love songs for the audience. But it still wore me out.
The audience loved it, nevertheless, and gave us an extra-long standing ovation, which helped to bolster my self-confidence in my hobby.
I go back to the animal adoption center and spend time playing with Bunny. Alexander texts me again, seemingly just as anxious about this trip as I am.
Alex [2:30p]: Are you sure you have everything you need? Here's the room. I booked us a double bed.
He sends me a picture of the suite, and honestly, it somehow makes me even more anxious seeing two beds instead of one. Because all I'm going to be thinking about is how we've shared a bed before, how badly he wanted to stay with me my first night in my apartment, and how I didn't call him because I wanted to prove to myself I could be strong.
Smiling, because he's such a gentleman, I reply back.
Sarah Bella [2:31p]: Yup! I have everything I need, and maybe a bit extra too. haha. You didn't have to show me the booking, silly. I trust you.
Alex [2:32p]: Do you?
My heart pounds at those two words, and I flush at the sudden memory of how he wanted to hear me tell him that I wanted to please him. What do I say, what do I say, what do I say?
The truth?
What if the truth….starts something?
Sarah Bella [2:34p]: Yes. I think I can trust you.
I head to my car and sit for a minute before pulling out, letting myself feel these foreign feelings of arousal that I haven't been able to feel for so long. And though I wanted to prove to myself that I can be brave, I apparently am not brave enough yet to flirt back so boldly. So, I chicken out and send him a couple of pep talk videos of how to not be nervous and how to be animated with the crowd for his upcoming speech.
However, it's probably stupid because he'd been in his line of work for years. But I do it to be helpful anyway, just in case. Honestly, I need a pep talk myself because I'm so nervous about sharing a room with him. Not because I'm nervous to be with him, but I'm nervous at being around him. Because somehow,someway,I'm developing feelings for him, and it scares me.
Thinking to soothe his anxiety once I’m home, I send him a picture of my purple luggage and carry-on that's stuffed to the brim with hair products and anything else I could need. I also made sure I packed my brand-new credit card that has a twenty-grand limit, just in case anything should go sideways while I'm out of the country.
