“Now that’s not fair—”Hannah hisses, her eyes narrowing.
But I narrow mine back, interrupting her. “And I did it all by myself whileyousat back with your feet up and collected on the checks, with no desire to go to school or get a job yourself. I barely slept foryears. I worked hard foreverythingI have,everythingI was able to give you, andyou,Tyler," I turn my gaze to him now, "while you were growing up. And the two of you put no effort intoanything—“
“I was the fuckingtrophywife!That’s what I was there for!”Hannah yells, slapping her hand on the island. Her lips pulltight, and that grating voice washes over me, scratching over the overworked nerve endings and synapses like sandpaper.
Her eyes narrow impossibly further across the space at me, and I throw her a dirty look in response, truly sick of the woman.
“A trophy wife who didn’t havetwo brain cellsto knock together. If you were going to stay home, the least you could have done was raise our son correctly. That was literally youronlyjob, Hannah! You enabled our son to fuck off all the time, and now look at him.Look at him!"I yell back, fighting for control over myself and breathing hard. "I couldn’t do it all by myself. I was justone person, trying to do the job of three people.”
I shake my head, now bone tired and wishing I could just have had this time to talk with my kid without her interference. Which makes me even more upset, somehow, at the knowledge that there will never be a day I could be rid of this woman.
“I didn’t want you to stand at my side and look pretty. I wanted apartner; I wanted you to show initiative, show joy in something other than spending money." My eyes narrow. "You had talent. Potential. I didn’t want to be the only thing providing your happiness. What if I had died, and it all went away?”
“Your life insurance would have been fine enough for me to live off of,” Hannah spits at me, her gray eyes turning colder than I'd thought possible.
The words ricochet like a gunshot throughout the kitchen before an eerie silence descends upon the room. It's broken quickly, however, when Tyler’s head snaps to the side, and he gapes at her in horror.“Mom, what the hell!”he says in a hushed voice. "Why would you say that?"
I recoil slightly, feeling like she stabbed me in the heart.
That was by far the worst thing she’s ever said to me, and she's said a lot of nasty things to me throughout the years.
A muscle ticks in my jaw as I just stare at her for a second, disbelieving I'd ever, and I meanever,dropped my seed inside this hellacious bitch.
“Do you know how difficult it was for me to hold everything together for this family without any appreciation, or even a smidgen of effort from either one of you?” I meet her eyes with a tired sadness, not even feeling strong enough at this point. “That’s why I couldn’t give you what you wanted, Hannah. All you wanted to do was take. And all I did was give. And I don’t believe I even got so much as a thank you,from either one of you.That’s all I needed to hear."
My eyes flicker to Tyler, who's busy looking down at the island. I stare for a moment, but he won't even lift his head to meet my gaze.
“We did so much wrong, Hannah. I take responsibility for the part I played in the failure of our marriage. You know from our counseling sessions how incredibly burnt out I was from working two jobs and trying to get through school. I was so depleted physically and emotionally that I had nothing left to give you. Our balance was off... but you know as well as I do that I truly did the best I could with the hand I was dealt." I glance down, knowing my next words will be harsh, but I need to get them off my chest. Finally say what's been on my heart, and what I never allowed myself to say before tonight. Looking back up, I firm my voice. "I want you to know that even though I am so thankful for Tyler," my eyes go back to hers, "you are my only regret in life. I wish to God that when I first saw you, I would have kept moving and never looked back.” Her face flushes, and her eyes widen, stunned. “Now get your disrespectful ass out of my house, andknockthe next time you come over.”
I turn and walk out of the kitchen to my study, not understanding why she's so stunned. Other than me regretting her existence, we've talked about all of this in marriagecounseling before I decided to divorce her. I figure she's just putting on an act for Tyler. Like she always does.
Closing my office door, I pull up the picture of Sarah again, wishing I could just leave and see her perform tonight. But even though I'm frustrated with Tyler, my sonishere, and I’d promised to have dinner with him.
We might not see eye to eye on everything, and we for sure have a great deal to figure out, but I'm not going to just fuck off on the one night I get to spend with him in weeks, no matter how much I desire to see Sarah. There would be other times, hopefully. But tonight, Tyler needs me. And no matter what Hannah says, I won't abandon my son for a woman, for anyone.
The start of that behavior could lead to the beginning of something unhealthy.
I give myself a few minutes alone in my study, following the box-breathing video Sarah had sent me, and wait until I'm sure Hannah is gone. Striding through the threshold of the kitchen, my heart lurches at the sight of Tyler sitting at the island, looking more dejected than I’ve ever seen him.
Slowly and quietly, I walk to him and put a hand on his shoulder, waiting patiently. After a second, Tyler glances up at me, his eyes red.
“I can’t believe she said that to you, Dad—about the life insurance. I’m so sorry," he says thickly. "You didn’t deserve that. IknowI’ve been fucking up, and I am sorry. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. I love you. And I'm sorry if my choices and the way I've acted makes you feel like I don't.”
Fuck.
"Come here, son." I hold my arm out. I'm cautiously relieved when he leans forward and places his head on my shoulder. I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Well, we’re going to start by getting into family therapy, son. Me and you. And I love you too, boy, even if you piss me off.” I place a hand on his headand press him into my shoulder harder, wrapping my other arm around Tyler’s shoulders. I sniff as my eyes well up, making the room blurry. "You're my son. I'd do anything for you…giveanything for you, Ty."
My chest tightens painfully at the small sob that issues forth. His tears are the final blow for me, and I let my emotion out. All the years of pent-up frustration and shit that I've been fighting so hard for bubbles up, and I shudder. A tear slides down my face, and I roughly wipe it away.
"I'm sorry, dad," Tyler croaks.
I nod, firmly patting his back. "We're going to be okay, Ty. Because we have each other. I'll always be here for you. I hope you know I only want the best for you, son. I love you more than anything in the world."
Tyler and I stand leaning together at the island and cry for long minutes.
We’ll be okay. I think. As I listen to him cry, my mind whirls with so much regret. My heart breaks for him because I didn't choose the right mother for him. I wish things were different…wish I had a chance at a do over. Because I'd do it so differently. Starting with the woman I would pick to have my children.
At that thought, images of Sarah pop in my head, and I think of her pain.
