“But why me?” Briony hisses suddenly, her gaze snapping back to Fox’s mother. “Why does it have to be me? Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t I gone through so much already? All this pain and this grief and this abuse – I just can’t do it anymore.”
She shakes her head, tears flying from her face.
“That’s why you have to keep going,” Mrs. Tudor says, raising her voice to match Briony’s tone. “You’re brave and you’re strong, and you can’t allow yourself to fall apart now.”
“But what if I can’t do it? What if I fail? What if I fail the people that I love?” She gestures at Fly, at me, at Beaufort, Thorne, and Fox.
“It’s a risk you have to take. Every time we fall in love, it’s a risk. There’s always a chance that person will hurt us, leave us, or pass away from us. Every time we fall in love with someone, we risk our hearts being broken. But it’s a risk worth taking. Just like this moment – this chance – is a risk worth taking too. You can change things for us, Briony. You can show the realm the truth and give us a different future. One without demons and Quarters and trials. Without having to watch our most precious gifts – our children – carted off to that academy, knowing we may never see them again.”
She sniffs, her gaze swinging to her son. He meets her eyes and nods in agreement.
“She’s right, Briony. We made our choice. There’s no turning back now.”
“I can’t,” Little Kitten cries, burying her face in her hands, her whole body shaking as she sobs.
Beside her, Fly is crying too, his body trembling.
“It’s hard, Little Kitten,” I say softly. “But sometimes you just have to pick yourself up from the wreckage, dust yourself off, and keep going. You’ve done it before. We’ve all done it before.” I think of everything we’ve endured over the years – different trauma, different pain. All of us. Every single one. “We’re here with you, by your side, always. And we’re going to help you. And no one else is going to die.”
“You don’t know that,” Briony snaps. “We lost Clare.”
“And that just makes me more determined,” I tell her, “that we won’t lose anyone else.”
“You have to do it for your friend,” Mrs. Tudor says. “You can’t let her death be for nothing, Briony. You have to make it mean something. You have to give it purpose. Otherwise, she’s just another child in the realm who died for nothing. Is that what you want?”
“No,” Briony whispers. “What I want is for her to be here. With us.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Mrs. Tudor says firmly. “She’s gone. So come on now. Dry those eyes. Chin up. We have to go on.”
For a moment, I don’t think Briony hears her. Then she wipes at her face with her fingers, sniffing as she does, and manages a wobbly nod.
“Okay, but I have to say goodbye to her first.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Briony
“Are you sure?” Beaufort asks hesitantly.
“I need to.”
“Come on, then, dear,” Mrs. Tudor says softly to me, holding out her hand. I take it, letting her guide me into the warm kitchen, Fly following right behind me.
There’s a body laid out on the kitchen table – the one we sat around only last night – an old blanket pulled right the way over it.
The sight of it makes both me and Fly gasp and I’m forced to swallow down more tears. I want to be strong. I want to do this properly.
Mrs. Tudor lets go of my hand and pats me on the shoulder, and I take Fly’s hands in mine. His are cold and trembling and he leans into me as if at any moment he may collapse to the floor.
Mrs. Tudor walks around to the head of the table and takes a grip of the old blanket.
“Ready?”
I squeeze Fly’s hands and nod.
Carefully, gently, as if not to disturb a sleeping child, Fox’s mom draws back the blanket and Clare’s face comes into view. Her eyelids are closed and her face, pale like porcelain. It’s like I found her sleeping this morning on the sofa. It could be as if she’s sleeping now. Just one little nudge, a whisper of her name, and she’d wake up.
“Oh, Clare,” Fly murmurs next to me. “We’re going to miss you so much.”
