Reeni moves to sit next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into her. My arms are still clutching my chest and I turn to press myself to her.
Jackson is on his feet, his back to us as he answers the call.
‘It’s going to be OK,’ Reeni murmurs into my ear. ‘It’s all going to be OK.’ She’s rocking me back and forth in tiny movements which match the shallow breaths I’m taking, but at least they’re even now. I turn my head and bury it in her neck.
‘Everything OK?’ she asks.
I’m trying to find the words to answer when I hear Jackson.
‘No. Mum’s not well. Milo’s called 999.’ The anguish in his voice is clear.
‘Go to her. I’m with Ellie,’ says Reeni.
‘I can’t just leave.’ He drops to his knees again and puts a gentle hand on my thigh. ‘Ellie. Are you OK? I don’t want to leave you like this.’
It’s taking me all my effort to breathe in and out. I want to tell him I am OK, but I think if I speak again, I’m going to fall apart.
‘Honestly, you go to your mum. She needs you. We’re good here.’ Reeni’s arm tightens around me.
‘I’ll take us. I’ve got the car,’ says Aaron.
‘Go with Aaron. He’ll be there to see your mum quicker than the ambulance,’ says Reeni.
Jackson turns to go and then twists back. ‘As soon as I knowMum’s OK, I’m coming back, Ellie. We need to talk. But it’ll be OK.’ He leans over to press a kiss into the top of my head.
Aaron puts an arm on Jackson’s shoulder. ‘Come on, let’s get going.’
When they’ve gone, Reeni takes me through the café and into my house. She sits me on the sofa and takes the blanket from the arm of the chair and wraps it around me. I clutch it and sink as far into the cushions as I can. She sits next to me and strokes my hair. It’s rhythmic and soothing. Like something Mum would have done when I was a child and off school, feeling ill.
‘What happened?’ I ask, my chest still aching as if I’ve been punched hard and winded.
‘I think you had a panic attack. Something like that. How do you feel now?’
I stare up at the ceiling. ‘I messed everything up. He’s never going to talk to me again.’ I gulp in a lungful of air. ‘He hates me, doesn’t he?’
‘No, he doesn’t. He had to go to his mum, that’s all. He would have stayed, but if anything happened to her, he’d never have forgiven himself. I made him go.’ She looks uncertain. ‘Should I have let him stay?’
I close my eyes. The thought of Jackson looking at me with stony eyes cracks my heart in two and suddenly I’m glad he’s not here. ‘No, you did the right thing.’
The cushions move as Reeni repositions herself. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I’m trying to dredge my mind to recall what I said to him. All I keep hearing are the words … I killed our baby … amplified in my head. The rest is just noise.
‘Did you hear what I said to him?’
‘No. We were at the counter in the café. I came over as soon as I saw you in distress, but we weren’t close enough to hear you.’
I begin to cry and for the first time that evening, there aresounds to go with my waterfall of tears. Reeni holds me and my whole body shakes from the sobs racking through it and I don’t even want to try to stop them.
Reeni’s arms are a constant until I’ve nothing left. No tears, no energy, just exhaustion and shame and a sudden need to be on my own.
‘I need to go to bed,’ I say, wiping my nose on my sleeve. ‘Is Aaron coming back for you? Do you know how Sophie is?’
‘I haven’t heard from him. He’ll ring as soon as he has news.’ She pats the cushion. ‘The sofa looks comfy and I’ll be here if you need me. I’ll get Aaron’s mum to stay over at ours with Olly. She was babysitting anyway.’
‘Thank you.’ My voice is wobbly and I can feel the tears welling up again. I get to my feet with a jerk. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’
‘Call me for anything,’ she calls after me as I head to the bedroom.
