‘I have something I need to tell you.’ My torso is rocking with the effort of simply breathing.
‘OK.’
I shuffle even further towards the edge of the bench so I’m barely sitting on it and keep my eyes away from his. ‘Do you remember that day?’
‘What day?’
I’ve thought about it often since I bumped into him, I’m taken aback when he doesn’t instantly know what I’m talking about.
‘When you and Reeni had set up that mini baby shower and I had my last scan.’
‘Yes.’ His one word is prolonged and guarded.
‘The night before, at the party.’ I scrape my fingernails down the seam of my trousers, trying to hold my nerve. ‘I wanted to feel like a normal fifteen-year-old. Not be the girl everyone was talking about.’ My whole body feels like it’s at breaking point and my right eye overflows and sends a single tear trickling down my cheek.
His fingers are a constant pressure around my hand. In any other circumstances, I’d be reassured. ‘We don’t have to talk about this, Ellie, if it’s too painful. We can take our time.’
I shake my head violently. ‘No. I need to do this.’ I take another shaky breath and continue. ‘I didn’t think it would hurt the baby.’
‘What would?’
My tears are a constant silent stream now and my nose is running. I pull my hand out of his. It shakes and I can’t make it stop, so I hook my fingers through my friendship bracelet to still them. ‘I kept drinking. I wanted to fit in. I thought it’d be OK. I didn’t know, I swear.’ A sharp pain pierces my chest and I grab at it instinctively, but I need to finish what I want to say because I’ll never do this a second time. ‘It was me. I’d had so much alcohol, so it was all my fault. I was so ill. If I hadn’t been so self-centred,I’d never have been there in the first place. Reeni told me not to go.’ My heart is thudding so hard now it feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. ‘I’m so sorry. I killed our baby. It was all my fault.’
No more words will come now because I can’t breathe. I double over, gasping, painful sobs ricocheting through me.
Jackson holds both of my arms. ‘Ellie?’ He kneels so he can look up into my face. ‘Ellie, what do you mean? Look at me. What are you talking about?’
‘I can’t,’ I whisper. My vision is fuzzy and I’m too ashamed to meet his eyes.
‘Ellie, what do I do? What do you need?’ His voice is both gentle and urgent.
I want to answer him, but I don’t know what to say. Every intake of air is a tiny gasp of nothing.
‘Ellie, honey.’ Reeni is down by his side now, kneeling at my feet. Her hands are on my knees, her fingers digging into my flesh. ‘Breathe. Ellie. Breathe.’
I try, but the tightness in my chest is so bad it feels like it’s going to split me in two. I raise my head to look at her because I can’t look at him. I can’t bear to see the look in his eyes after what I’ve confessed to.
‘Ellie.’ Reeni’s voice is slow and deliberate. ‘Breathe in.’
On automatic pilot, I try to do as I’m told.
‘Now out. Slowly.’ She counts with her in and out instructions, but I can’t keep up.
The sharp pain spikes and I moan and grab at my chest again. ‘I can’t,’ I splutter.
Reeni puts her palm up to cup my cheek. ‘You can. Concentrate on in and out. Nothing else.’
My head is racing with memories I want to forget and when they become too intense, Reeni prompts me to breathe again. Slowly, the world around me comes back into focus. I’m stillhyper aware of the thud of each heartbeat and I’m exhausted. Jackson is still kneeling at Reeni’s side, his hand cradling my arm.
‘I’m so sorry, Ellie. I never knew …’
A phone ringtone sounds, interrupting him.
‘Shit,’ he hisses.
Even through a haze of pain, I know he needs to answer it.
‘Get it.’ My voice croaks. ‘I’m OK.’ I’m not, but he doesn’t need to know that.
