CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Gavin
My eyes sprung open, startled as water hit me square in the face, my head pounded as I bolted upright. “What the fuck!” I shouted through a croaky voice. I roughly wiped it away, but as my eyes opened, I saw Roman in front of me, and from the expression on his face, he wasn’t pleased to see me.
The sound of my own voice and the sudden movement added to the banging in my brain. “Ugh,” I cradled my head with my hands; it hurt like a bitch.
“What the fuck are you playing at, Gav?” He shouted, and my head throbbed some more. “Are you determined to fuck everything up for me?”
“For you?” I chuckled, but I wasn’t fucking amused. “You haven’t got a fucking clue.” I tried not to sound bitter because everything Roman had, he’d worked hard for, he deserved it, but sometimes…sometimes I just wanted something to work out for me.
“Thanks for calling me, Alex. Can you give me a minute with him?”I didn’t look at Alex before he left, I couldn’t stand to see the disgust linger in his gaze again. But now it was just me and Roman, and I could feel his disappointment for me from across the room.
My elbows found my knees as I leaned on them. “I need a fucking drink to get rid of this headache.” Something heavy hit the cushion at the side of me, I twisted round with my head still in my hands and saw a bottle of water. “I was thinking of something a little bit stronger than that.”
“That’s some tough fucking shit you’re having, mate. Drink it!” I screwed off the lid and poured it down my throat. “Now what the fuck has happened between this morning and now. And don’t give me any fucking bullshit because I have no patience for it. I’ve had Karen on the phone in floods of tears telling me she can’t fucking work for me anymore. So, get fucking talking. What the fuck have you done this time?”
“That’s a lot of fucks.” I mumbled.
“Gav!” I didn’t know where to start. I’d only told him earlier today that we were seeing where things were taking us, and quicker than a snap of my fingers, it’d all changed. But that was my life, a fucking merry-go-round. No, it was like the waltzers; a crazy trip of thrashing around in circles and ending up with nothing but a headache, and maybe whiplash.
Roman’s question hung in the air still, “Gav?” He was getting angrier by the second, I knew I had to give him something. My hand stayed against my heavy, aching head and I looked up at him. “I don’t know what to say to ya…” I shrugged. “I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to get into this now. I needed a clear head to talk to my best mate, but a clear head made me question myself.
“Sorry? Fucking sorry?” His roar bounced off the walls, “I mean first you screw Nikki over…”
“Hang the fuck on,” I interrupted, “is that what she told you?”
“No, Gav. It’s what I’ve seen with my own fucking eyes.”
“You’ve seen nothing, Roman. You’ve only fucking seen what you wanted to see.” I pushed up from the chair, my head spun slightly, but I blinked and stood firm. Yes, I’d fucked up, but there was no way I was taking the blame for Nikki. I remembered that day, when Roman said it would end in tears, and naively, I thought we would just go our separate ways…I did, but she obviously hadn’t. “You know, you’re so caught up in your job, and Paisley and the baby…and so you should be, they’re your main concern, but at the same time, you’re wrapped up in keeping me on that non-existent straight and narrow path. I’m a fucking adult! You’re always worried about every fucker else. But Nikki is no more innocent than I am.”
He breathed, “Okay,” His head bobbed, “leave Nik out of the equation for a minute, and let’s talk about Karen. I finally had a decent photographer and you had to ruin it. She doesn’t want to work for me, Gav. I might just get her to think about it, as long as you aren’t anywhere near the vicinity. How the fuck does that help me?” I moved back to the couch and sat on the edge, resting my head back in my hands.“You’re my best mate. How the fuck can I separate two worlds?”
“She won’t stop working for you, she loves that job.” At least I hoped she wouldn’t. My fingers threaded through my hair as I palmed my skull, my fucking head throbbed.
“What did you do to her, Gav?” His voice took on a gentler tone.
I inhaled deeply as I remembered our argument. “She told me she loved me.”
“That’s it? And you went on a bender!” His voice rose again as it took on more disappointment. My fingers tightened with anger, I tugged slightly until pain sliced through my skull.
“No. Well, if she hadn’t followed it up with the line, ‘I’m pregnant’, I might have been able to handle it at least.” My throat was tight, like a noose had been wrapped around it. I didn’t know how to cope. I wouldn’t be of any use to her, let alone a child.“Because I happened to fucking like her.”
“What?” The shock was evident in his voice. He dismissed the part about me actually liking someone and focused on that one word, I lifted my head to him. “Pregnant?”
“Yeah. Pregnant. Up the duff.” My hands dragged down my face, “I can’t do it, Rome. How the fuck can I be a dad? I’m a fuck up. Even my own parents hated me, what use am I going to be to a child?”
“Your parents are fucking arseholes! That’s not hereditary, mate. It’s a choice.” He steamed as he paced, “and that child is your flesh and blood. Your last chance to get it right. To change.” I knew there was no love lost between my parents and Roman, not after they turned their backs on me when everything blew up back home.
“Even so, what example can I set? I'm not you.” My fingers went back into my hair and I tugged hard, so fucking hard my scalp stung. I didn’t care about my bad head at this point, I yelled, “FUUUCK!”
“You don’t have to be me.” Rome yelled back.
I untangled my fingers and rubbed above my eyes, “I told her to do the right thing and either find someone else or have an abortion, because I wasn’t good enough. Not for her, not for that child…” A heavy exhale left my body and my shoulders slumped forward, “…not for fucking anyone.”
“You did what? You told her to get rid of it?” The snarl in his tone was enough for me to know he was downright fucking mad now. Roman only lost his temper when it was called for, usually at me, I'd noticed. Everything was like water off a duck's back. But sometimes, you hit the wrong button and he was likea fucking volcano erupting. “You asked her to abort a baby, something that’s a part of her and you?” he looked bewildered. I knew he didn’t get it.
His parents were good, they supported him. Mine didn’t do anything for me. They chose babysitters and dinner parties over sitting and bonding with me. They had nothing but disappointment. They thought they could throw money at me. Everything I asked for, I had. Parties, a car, a trust fund… I had it all on a neatly filled silver platter. They had no idea of the life they sought out for me. Every problem I had; they threw money at it. My father was a Dean at Oxford. My mother a lawyer. They were so out of the normal world that when I hit drink and drugs, they had no idea why I did it, or how to handle me. I just wanted their approval. I had so many mummy and daddy issues by the time I hit my early twenties, I couldn’t think straight.
