Whether it was Gav’s intention or not, I was broken, and I had no way of knowing what to do or how to fix it.
Somewhere along the line I must’ve fallen asleep, because I opened my eyes to see Holly crouched down in front of me with a worried look. She didn’t say anything, instead she dropped to her knees and shushed me as she held me tight. She let me cry into her shoulder, I sobbed until I needed to drag more breath into my lungs.
“Babe, you need to talk to me. I can’t help you otherwise.” I blew out a shaky breath and lifted my head from her shoulder.
“It’s over.”
“What is? You and Gav?” Holly asked, her frown darkened her eyes.
I nodded, because I still couldn’t speak. Every time I thought about us, it started me off again. She got up from her knees and disappeared from the room. I tightened the blanket around my body even more, trying to stave off that damned chill, but it was no use. Holly tinkered away in the kitchen. She wasn’t exactly quiet, but it made a small smile find its way to my lips. God, I loved that woman. She’d left work to be here with me, yet she still didn’t know why me and Gav were over, or what had even caused it. I’d only told her when we arrived back from Malibu that we were a couple. So, she must be stunned as to what could’ve changed in such a short space of time.
Just then she waltzed in purposefully with a cup in her hand. “Here you go, I’ve made you some sweet tea.” I took my hand from inside my blanket and wiped my face before I took it from her and sipped tentatively. “So…what’s going on?”
I swallowed down the tea and placed my cup down, clutching the blanket back in my fists, I brought both sides together. “Well, first,” I sniffed and exhaled slowly, “you should know something.” Her eyes were on me as she waited for whatever information I was willing to share with her. “I’m pregnant.”
“Get the fuck out of here?” her voice rose an octave as her chin dropped and her mouth gaped open. “What… how far?”
“I don’t know. I need to see the doctor the day after tomorrow. I don’t know what to do or say, or anything.” Tears came in quick succession as they rolled down my face again. I wanted to hide away from the world. I wanted to go as far away as I possibly could and never come back. But I knew I couldn’t do either of those things, because Holly would never let me. She’d want me to face them head on. Right now, though, I didn’t have the strength to do that. I wanted to close the curtains to the outside world, eat junk food, watch sad movies and cry.
Being pregnant is supposed to be a happy time, a joyous occasion where everyone would congratulate us… a place whereGav would wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything would be perfect. But that wasn’t on the cards for me. For us…And now I had to find a way to get through this on my own.
“Have you eaten?” I shook my head and wiped my face again. My eyes were sore from crying so much, so I took in a long breath, let it out slowly and picked up my tea again. The sweetness hit my tongue and I swallowed. “You should eat. You need to keep your strength up, especially now.” A sad, but tight, smile appeared on her mouth as she sighed.
“I can’t think of anything else, though. I don’t think I can do this alone.”
“What makes you think you’ll be alone?” Holly asked tentatively.
My shoulder lifted, “I don’t know. I know I have you, but that’s it. It’s not like my mom is close by, they’re almost an hour away… I thought when I had a baby, whoever I was with, then we’d do this together, you know? I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a single mom.”
“Stop that right now, because I know you are.” She moved to sit on the edge of the seat with me, I sipped on my tea between sniffing back more sentiment, and I wiped yet more tears away.
“He said there were always options…” The tears came quicker again, I wiped my hand across my nose, so ladylike, but right now I didn’t care. My head moved to Holly’s shoulder as I cried again, “I don’t think I can do that either.” I said between sobs.
“You wait until I speak to that asshole.”
“No, please don’t. He’s just having a hard time, that’s all.” Why I was defending him, I had no idea, I should be angrier than anyone, and I was earlier, but now I just felt broken. I just want him to hold me. Tell me everything would be okay.
“And you’re not? He deserves to be told, Kaz. He can’t just blurt out abortion like that, just because he’s not mature enough to condone his actions. Now, tell me more.”
She made me move over and sat on the chair properly with me, moving her arm around me. I rested my head on her shoulder while she made me tell her everything.
Once I was done, I had no more tears left to cry. I was numb.
“Babe, why don’t you go have a bubble bath. I have to pop back to the bar to make sure they’ve got everything covered, and I’ll be back.” I nodded and covered myself with the blanket. My eyes stung, so I closed them, just for five minutes, I heard the door close but that was it. I slipped into sleep and let myself drift off to a place where everything was perfect again.
When I woke Holly was back and watching TV. “Hey.” she smiled sweetly as she looked over at me, “What happened to the bath?”
“Sleep happened.” I rubbed my hands over eyes and face, “do my eyes look really bad?”
“They are a little puffy, you’re still beautiful, though.” As she smiled, I smiled with her.
“How can I do my job now? If I don’t have the abor…” I inhaled and my eyes closed at even the word, “abortion,” I forced the word through my lips, even though it tasted sour on my tongue, “how can I see him every time I have to do a shoot?”
“But it shouldn’t ruin your life.” Holly pointed out sensibly, and it shouldn’t, but I couldn’t see him and not get upset or think of what could’ve been. And what if he ends up with someone else, oh my goodness there is no way I could face him.
“No, it shouldn't, which is why I have to do this.” I looked around me on the chair for my cell but couldn’t see it anywhere. As I stood, I found it tucked down the back of the cushion. I unlocked the screen as I pulled it out and found Roman’s number. “I need to do this. Once I’ve done it, I can take on thenext battle.” Holly nodded as I hit the call button. It was only a couple of rings before Roman’s voice came over the line, but he already sounded stressed, and it almost had me thinking twice, but I stood firm and did what I had to do.
With that done and out of the way, I could sit here for a while longer and dwell on my life.
