My chest heaved as my hands went back to my head. “How?” I shrugged and turned away.
“Quite easily, to be honest.”
Then a thought hit me, “Hang on, how long have you known?” She wasn’t well last week in Malibu. “Did you know in Malibu?” I whirled back around and faced her, “Did you?”
“What, that I loved you? Because that was pretty much from the start I think,” her shoulder lifted, but my head shook.
“No, Karen. Did you know you were pregnant when we were in Malibu?”
Her head shook. “No. I promise. I had an instinct when I came back but I was too scared to do a test.” Her teeth nibbled her lip, “Are we going to be okay, Gav?”
My gaze found hers but as I stared back into her beautiful eyes, I couldn’t quite believe it. I was scared’ “I can't see how?You’re the first woman that I’ve even wanted more with and now this… I’m not fucking ready for this, K. I can’t do it.”
Her eyes widened to saucers almost, “What are you saying, Gavin?” her voice hardened. She never called me Gavin. Nobody did. Gavin was only my go-to name when I got into shit…like now.
“I can’t do it.” I stared at her while I tried to swallow past the boulder lodged in my throat. ‘Maybe we should think about this, you know,” I shrugged and looked down, “discuss your options…”
“My options? You’re talking like this is only my problem, what fucking options? There are no other options,” A deep frown appeared in her forehead, her tone was loud and sharp, her breaths ragged as she raged.
“There’re always options, K. Maybe it would be better if you found someone else or…” I didn’t want to say what I was thinking but I h to. “...or there’s always abort…”
“No.” she cut me off dead. “Do not say it.” Her eyes narrowed to slits, “You can’t mean that.” her head cocked to one side as she stared, “We’re going to have a baby.” her voice dropped to almost a whisper as she moved closer, timid, slow steps until she stood before me, her fingers found my T-shirt, she clung tightly to and fisted it, ‘This is your child too, Gav.” tears rolled in rivets down her face. She pushed her tongue between her lips and licked them, “I love you, Gavin.”
The fright seeped through my body, like poison into my soul, then found its way into my head. “I’m a fuck up, K. I’m one big fuck up and you don’t need that in your life, a baby definitely doesn’t need that. I’m an addict, for fuck’s sake. It’s not fair…” I took a breath in and closed my eyes.
She released my T-shirt, and. “Pity you didn’t think of that before.” Her tone was sharp as she turned her back on me.
Pretty much what I was doing to her.
“I didn’t know your pill wouldn’t work, did I?” I shouted back. What was I doing? I needed a minute, a reprieve. “I can’t do it.” I was firm as I put some distance between us, I had to say it, “If you want an abortion, I’ll support you but right now, that’s all I can give.”
She spun back around, her nostrils flared and somewhere in my fucked-up head, I knew I’d said the wrong thing. I always said the wrong thing. Her arms crept around her small body and as she inhaled deep, she exhaled as she spoke, and her head shook. The look of disappointment had me reeling, but I couldn’t help it. “Get out.”She gave me her back again.
“Karen?”
“I said leave.”
I knew she meant it. Her voice was like steel. Fuck. “You have to see what I’m saying.”
“I can’t even look at you right now. Just. Get. Out.” Even louder this time.
I had to leave. I knew that, so without another word I left. I didn’t look back, I couldn’t. If I did, I would have seen her shoulders shaking with the tears that I knew she was crying. I caused that.
This was the best way.
I closed the door behind me and took the stairs two at a time as I ran down them, rushed to my car and got inside, hiding away from the world.
Fucking pregnant!
I hit the steering wheel hard with the heel of my hand. “FUCK!” I hit it again and again. “FUCK. FUCK!” I roared. I didn’t know whether I was sad, or angry, but so much emotion tore through me. My breaths heaved and I let my forehead drop to the wheel. I had no idea what to do or even how to deal with it.
This was just fucked up.
If there was one thing I never could fathom, it was when to stop, and right now, I’d had more than enough. Enough alcohol. I’d had more than enough of the shitstorm that seemed to be my life. I should’ve stopped, I knew that, but did I care? Like fuck I did.
I didn’t want to stop.
I wanted to get so wankered that I couldn’t remember my own fucking name.
