My brows came together, I didn’t like the sound of this. Was she telling me she didn’t want this anymore, after I’d just come clean to my best friend, and finally let myself believe that I was good enough for someone other than being on my own. “Is it bad news?”
Her chest heaved and she dropped her head into her hands again. “Depends on how you look at it I suppose.” I didn’t know what that meant.
“Stop talking in riddles and just come out with it.” She peered up over the tops of her fingers. I took her hands from her face, I wanted to see her eyes.
As our gazes met, tears filled her eyes. I didn’t like this. She opened her mouth to say something, but it closed again, I tried to wait patiently but the anticipation was killing me. “I’m…” she blew out a huff, “I'm pregnant.”
I didn’t hear that right? Did I?
I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t.
I was speechless, fucking mute.
Did she actually just say what I thought she said? “You can’t be.” She produced a white stick and held it out for me. I took it from her shaky fingers and locked my gaze on it. My eyes were wide on the two thick blue lines in the little window. “It can’t be right.”
“I’ve done four, Gav.” her voice was just a little above a whisper. She sounded nervous. My head wasn’t processing this at all.
“How?”
“Are you fucking kidding?” She scoffed. “We’ve been at it like rabbits for weeks.”
“But I thought you were on the pill?” My tone rose higher,
“And you should have used a fucking condom, but you never did.”
“Didn’t fucking complain though did ya?’ I fired back at her snippy answer and pushed to my feet. How was all this fucking relevant anyway. She was pregnant. How the fuck did I begin to process that?
My hands tugged at my hair as I moved away to sit down. I needed to think. I need to do what was best. “What are you going to do?”
“What am I going to do? I’m sorry, are you not involved in this?” A hardness appeared in her eyes. “This is your baby too, you know.”
“Don’t.” I stopped her, “That’s your decision! I can’t be a dad.”
Her jaw tensed and she looked like she was about to explode. “Why not?” she stood and moved back towards to me, dropped to her knees and put her hands on my thighs. “Gav. It could be great. We could be great.”
My head shook, “I’m not ready. I’m not ready to be a father.”
“And I am?! I’ve just got myself more work, better work and now this.”
“I’m not ready to change my lifestyle…”
“Huh. So, you prefer to be a gambler, that’s what you’re saying?” she pushed to her feet.
“No. I didn’t mean that!” Everything was jumbled in my mind. Nothing was coming out right.
“I knew you’d be shocked, but I didn’t think you’d be like this.”
“Like what? Like my world hasn't just collapsed. We’ve gone from fucking, to trying out a thing, to this; being parents. So,what the fuck do you want me to say?” I shouted. I shouldn’t shout, but I couldn’t stop it. Even when I saw the tears trickling down her cheeks and wanted to hold her, pull her in close and tell her I was sorry, but I couldn’t. Why? Because my heart didn’t have that compassion. My heart was a hard-faced bastard, and most of the time my brain agreed. I wasn’t normal, I fucking knew that and for the best part, I hated it.I wanted to think different. For once I wanted to break the cycle.
“I want you to tell me you love me, like I love you. I want you to tell me everything will be okay…”
“What did you say?” My voice just a whisper.
“I want you to tell me you love me, like I love you.” she repeated only an octave lower this time.
My head shook, “You love me?” I gasped as the shock registered.
“Yes, Gav. I fucking love you.” Her voice bold as she stood firm.
