“Pah.” Maria wrinkled her nose. “So instead you’re lying to her. And to your lawyer. And to yourself.”
Janie flinched, not used to Maria being quite so blunt. “I’m not lying. I’m just not telling the whole truth.”
“That’s the same thing, and you know it.” Maria leaned forward. “Listen to me, mija: you’re building a case for your own destruction. Every day you keep this secret, you’re making it worse. Every conversation you have without mentioning it, every meeting where you pretend everything is fine, you’re digging yourself deeper into a hole that you might not be able to climb out of.”
“You don’t understand?—”
“No,youdon’t understand.” Maria tapped her fingernail on the table repeatedly. “You think keeping this secret is protecting your children? You think fighting this battle alone makes you stronger? All you’re doing is giving your mother exactly what she needs to destroy you.”
Janie leaned back in her chair, trying to escape the almost physical pressure of Maria’s judgment, and looked toward the door. She could get up and leave. She didn’t have to listen to this. But Maria had been the only person Janie had been able to talk to honestly since she’d left Hannah and their girls.
“I’m sorry,” Maria said, her voice softening slightly. “I don’t mean to be harsh. But, mija, you’re running out of time. Do you really think your mother won’t find out about the ER visit? What happens when she finds the hospital record and the doctor’s notes from that day?”
Janie’s blood ran cold. She hadn’t thought about the records. Of course there were records. She’d been careful to pay on her card instead of claiming on their health insurance, but there was still a paper trail. Adiscoverablepaper trail.
“Oh, God,” Janie whispered.
“Yes.” Maria covered Janie’s hand with her own. “You need to tell Hannah everything before your mother’s lawyer finds out and uses it to ambush you in court.”
“I can’t. Not today. I need time to figure out how?—”
“There is no good time.” Maria threw her hands in the air. “There is no perfect way to say any of this. There’s just the truth, and the longer you wait, the worse it will get. You and Hannah need to fight this together, but this secret will pull you apart if you don’t share it soon.”
Janie wrapped her arms around herself and rocked slightly. The café was suddenly too small, too close, like the walls were pressing in on her.
“Let me tell you a story about my friend Elena,” Maria said, settling back in her chair, and adopting her usual gentle tone.
“Okay.” Janie nodded and relaxed a little.
“Elena came out when her kids were six and eight. This was the mid-eighties, so you can imagine how well that went. Her husband immediately filed for divorce and full custody. Back then, being gay was enough for the courts to brand you an unfit parent.” Maria paused, and her eyes seemed to focus on a distant place, as if searching for the memory. “But Elena’s lawyer told her not to worry. Times were changing, he said. The judge was known to be fair, and Elena was a good mother. They’d fight it and win. But Elena was ashamed. She didn’t want her private life being dragged through court. She was frightened of what people would say.”
Janie’s chest tightened at the obvious parallels Maria was not-so-subtly drawing.
“So she started keeping secrets.” Maria raised her eyebrows and nodded slowly. “Small ones at first. Like not telling anyone she’d lost her job, not telling her lawyer about a fight at the kids’ school where another parent had taunted her for being a lesbian. She thought if she could keep everything looking perfect on the surface, if she didn’t share the chaos, she’d be fine.”
“What happened?” Janie asked, though she really didn’twant to know.
“Everything came out. As it always has a way of doing, mija. Always. Like water, the truth will always flow. Her husband’s lawyer found out about the job loss, the missed rent payments, and all the other small things Elena had kept hidden. And when it all came out in court, the judge saw Elena had been less than honest with her own lawyer, and she was painted as unstable. Dishonest. Someone who couldn’t be trusted.”
Janie swallowed hard and swirled the coffee in her cup. “Did she lose custody?”
“Yes.” Maria nibbled on another piece of pan dulce. “Not because she was gay, in the end. Not even because of the job loss or the other issues. But because the shame and secrecy made her look like she had something terrible to hide. The judge didn’t trust her, and Elena lost her children.”
Tears burned at the back of Janie’s eyes. This could be her story Maria might tell another virtual stranger in a few years. “Did she ever get them back?”
Maria pursed her lips and shook her head. “By the time she’d gotten herself together and was in a position to try for custody again, her kids were teenagers. Their father had told them so many bad things about her, and they were angry. They didn’t want to see her.” She took a sip of her coffee and sighed, like the story had drained her energy somehow. “She has a relationship with them now, and they’ve worked through some of it. But they’re adults, and she missed their entire childhoods. All those years, poof.” She flicked her fingers. “Gone. Because she was too ashamed to ask for help. Too scared to be honest.”
Janie’s tears spilled over, running hot down her cheeks. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose them, Maria. But I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve Hannah.”
“Nonsense.” Maria frowned. “You made a mistake. Don’t let shame isolate you. Don’t let fear keep you from being honest with the one person who should be standing beside you through this.”
“But what if Hannah can’t forgive me? The triplets are her life. What if she looks at me and sees what I see?”
“What if she doesn’t?” Maria smiled. “What if she sees whatIsee? A woman who made a mistake, who’s been carrying it alone because she’s too afraid to let anyone help her carry it? What if Hannah surprises you?”
Janie wiped at her face, her hands shaking. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It isn’t. And you’re right; it is terrifying.” Maria leaned forward and took Janie’s hand again. “But, Janie, listen to me. Really listen. Your mother is threatening totake your children.She has lawyers and resources and probably investigators who are digging into every aspect of your life. They will find out about the ER visit, and they’ll use it against you. Do you want to be the one who tells your wife, or do you want her to hear it from your mother’s lawyer in a courtroom?”
