Rachel slapped her hand on the marble surface. “Ha! I knew it. Female intuition at its best.”
She came around the counter and pulled Cassie into a hug. Despite being unsolicited, Cassie softened into it, grateful for the human contact. These were the times when you found out who your friends really were. She swallowed the rush of emotion that loomed large and promised more tears. It would be a long, hard night if she let them out this early.
Rachel released her and tugged her off the stool before guiding her to the couch. “If you don’t want to go, let’s order takeout from that fantastic Chinese place, and you can talk while you watch me drink your wine.”
“You don’t mind?” she asked, relieved that Rachel wasn’t insisting on sticking to their planned evening. “Saturday night at home isn’t really your speed.”
“You’re right. It isn’t. But I’d rather do this with you than go out without you.” She rubbed Cassie’s forearm. “And a girls’ night in seems like what you need right now, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t recognize that?”
“Okay.” A renewed energy coursed through Cassie’s body momentarily before the weight of the past week’s events settled once again. She pushed up from the sofa anyway. “Let me get my phone. The menu is on the side of the fridge.”
She returned quickly and placed an order with Jade-Lai, who said Yan would deliver it personally, then she retook her seat, complete with the glass of wine Rachel had poured for her.
Rachel propped herself up on a little tower of cushions, and Cassie did the same on the opposite end of the couch so they could face each other.
“Should we start with your mom?”
Cassie nodded. Part of her didn’t want to talk about any of it. A minuscule part of her briefly wondered how it might feelnotto feel and to temporarily forget everything if she got obliterated. She scolded herself immediately for even considering it, then remembered her therapist’s words about being gentle with herself. She was allowed to have all the reactions and emotions; it was how she acted on them that mattered.
Since she’d cut her mom from her life, she’d spoken to her therapist about it in one session and had only mentioned it in passing to Rachel. They’d both been incredibly busy with additional shifts and had managed little time for meaningful conversation. And this was a conversation that was bound to involve tears, something she wasn’t eager to share with the rest of her colleagues. Cassie eased back into her cushion nest and retold the story of her final visit to her mom, finishing with the final death blow to their relationship: that her mom wished she’d died instead of her brother.
Rachel gasped and clasped Cassie’s foot, the only part of her within reach. “The evil fucking bitch.”
Cassie laughed, unable to stop her amusement at Rachel’s summation. Laughing was a novel replacement to the tears she’d been shedding. Even though she fully recognized how toxic it was, the woman was still her mom. “That’s a pretty accurate observation.”
Rachel shook her head slowly, as if unable to process the events Cassie had described. “I moan about my family sometimes, but I never forget how lucky I am that I didn’t end up with your mom.” She sipped her wine. “And how are you feeling about it all? I know you’ve been heading toward this decision for a long time, but actually doing it… I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“I’ve vacillated between devastation and euphoria since driving away from her,” she said. “It felt so good to say goodbye and to believe I was removing her and all her poison from my life.” She smiled, thinking of Buster, now CeDora. “And liberating the dog felt somehow symbolic too.”
“I’ll bet.” Rachel looked around the living room. “I can’t see any sign of a pooch. What did you do with him?”
“Taryn had told me that Andi and Bernice love dogs, so I reached out to them.” Cassie twirled her hair between her fingers. “I admit I was a little panicky as I drove back to the city with a giant dog in my tiny little sports car, not knowing if I could find him a new home.” She gestured around the spotless space, with its hardwood floors, glass tables, and sharp corners. “It’s not like he would’ve liked it here.”
Rachel grumbled. “Andyouwouldn’t have liked him here, huh?”
Cassie tilted her head slightly. “The thought of having to home a giant dog in my pristine apartment did make me a little twitchy, yes.”
“Okay. So that was part of the euphoria. What about the other bit?”
“I guess that revolves around the stark realization that I’m truly alone now—in terms of blood relatives,” she said quickly when she saw Rachel about to argue. “Even though she’s still alive, I have to think of her as truly gone, and that leaves me with no family, which is kind of scary. Floating around with no real roots.”
“What about your dad?” Rachel prodded Cassie with her foot. “Have you ever tried to find him?”
She blew out a long, soft breath and blinked.No tears.“No, never. He left, and he didn’t take me with him, and I can’t see how it could’ve been any clearer that Mom didn’t want me around. She still lives in the same place they moved to right after my brother was killed. I haven’t moved far from the family home. I haven’t changed my name. I have a social media presence—”
“Pah. Vaguely.Ipost more pictures of your life than you do.”
Cassie smiled. “Fair, but still, I’m eminently findable, and he clearly doesn’t want to. I don’t know if he’s got a new family or even if he’s alive, but to care for myself, I have tonotcare about him or the reasons and excuses he has for never coming back for me.”
“Wow, Cass. I don’t know what to say, other than I’m sorry. You really don’t deserve any of this. You’re such a wonderful, caring person, though I’m not sure how you’ve managed to stay that way with everything that’s happened to you.”
Cassie shrugged. “I’ve never really thought of it that way but thank you. Sentiments like that will help get me through the bad periods.”
“Because the bad periods will come and go?” Rachel asked, and Cassie nodded. “Okay, back to the good feelings. How are you making sure they outweigh the other stuff?”
“Hard work and mindfulness. The letting go is hard. And I suppose it will continue to be that way forever, like I’m making a choice every day to keep her out of my life. My therapist told me to list five good things that my mom had said to me or done for me.” Cassie shook her head, almost ashamed to admit it and say it out loud, as if she wasn’t good enough or worthy of receiving anything nice, or that she’d never done anything good enough to be praised. She thought of the millions of children with their scrappy finger paintings proudly displayed on the doors of fridges worldwide. “The thing of it is… I couldn’t think of a single thing. Christ, I don’t remember getting a birthday gift or even a card after my dad left.”
She fell silent for a little while and was grateful that Rachel didn’t try to make conversation. Cassie was glad to have the kind of friend who could engage in a deep conversation like this and not feel the need to try to escape from it with fripperies and shallow platitudes. “I guess when I really look at it,” Cassie said. “When I step away and truly analyze my relationship with her, it’s poisonous, and I’m not missing out by removing myself from it.”
