She wouldn’t be there to see them getting itchy feet though. Their plan for her to go back to Andi’s ranch remained in place… though Taryn’s enthusiasm for it had faded substantially. After the initial excitement ebbed away, she realized that it had been excitement for the potential of being happy again. She’d hoped that recruiting a new team would erase the tedium of her daily role, and that she’d be invigorated with the task of expansion. But she hadn’t even begun yet, and she already felt that it wasn’t the heal-all balm she’d hoped it would be.
Maybe the world-weary bone-tiredness that had set in was indicative of her general sense of displacement but being dumped by Cassie hadn’t helped. Fueled by Bernice’s insistence that Cassie was in love with her, Taryn had actually dared to daydream how a life together might work. She knew she wasn’t able to curtail her urge for constant movement and travel. Sure, she’d enjoyed this time in Vegas, but that had mostly been due to Cassie. She was ready for her next journey and had already begun to dream of new adventures in other states and countries.
But she’d also been thinking of scratching that particular itch by renewing her medical license and joining Doctors Without Borders. The experience she’d had with helping Louise hadn’t receded into her memory banks, and she’d been left with a sense of achievement and satisfaction that she hadn’t felt in a while. Not to mention watching how the nurses interacted with their patients in the hospital. People needed people who gave a damn, and it had reminded her how good it had felt to be a junior doctor doing rotations.
But she couldn’t begin to contemplate how difficult it might be to get her medical license back, if it were even possible. She assumed it wouldn’t be after so long away from medicine. Likely, she’d have to start all over again, and the thought of having to go through all that again, in one place, made her bones ache.
That meant staying in the life she’d already cultivated. So be it.
Taryn parked the car, and as soon as she opened the door to her trailer, Cassie’s scent assailed her senses. Cassie hadn’t been in this space for a while now, but her presence persisted, teasing and torturing Taryn with visions of them together in her sanctum-sanctorum. This place that had always been just for her no longer provided a dark haven, away from the bright lights of fame and superficial adoration.
Which was why she never brought women back here, why she always went to fan hotels or their places for hook-ups. She yanked the makings of a PB&J from various cupboards and made herself a sandwich, knowing she was kidding herself. It had been clear from early on that Cassie was far more than just a hook-up. A drop of water landed beside her plate.Not this again.
She’d cried more in the days since Cassie had dumped her than in the rest of her life. Granted, she’d never had much to cry about. Her life had been relatively easy since she’d joined Andi, and Trig was the only person she’d lost and grieved for. But her emotions were running riot. And she’d disappeared to the restroom so often during practice and shows, feigning pain from her injuries, that Andi had taken her aside to ask if she’d left the hospital too soon and should be readmitted. She’d lost weight too, probably from the massive amounts of salt water she’d been ejecting from her tear ducts. The weight didn’t matter now that she wasn’t subjecting her body to the rigors of the globe of death, but her inability to control her abject sobbingdidmatter.
She dropped onto the bench and slid her plate across the table before pulling her wooden box of keepsakes closer. She couldn’t open it, not right now, so she took her phone from her pocket and opened her messages. Taryn dropped her head back and squeezed her eyes closed. More stupid tears slipped down her cheeks.Why am I doing this to myself?It was a stupid question when the answer was so obvious. She wasn’t ready to let go. She wasn’t sure she ever would be.
She slowly scrolled through every missive they’d exchanged since their first dinner date and began to smile. Cassie’s sharp wit was one of the most attractive things about her. Taryn recalled how Cassie’s banter had knocked her off balance from the very beginning, and how she’d loved that.Loved. Past tense because Cassie had made it clear that she could never speak to Taryn again, and this bank of texts would be treasure much like everything in her wooden box and all the knickknacks glued to the various surfaces of the trailer.
Except the texts were more precious, more valuable than Taryn had ever imagined words could be. In every moment of desolate loneliness since Cassie had ripped them apart, Taryn had found immeasurable comfort in re-reading them over and over again, letting her emotions wash over her like a warm, cleansing rain, and reliving the joy, laughter, and happiness in each one.
And then the void Cassie had left in her life would kick in, and the tears would fall once more. How was she supposed to stick around this city, knowing that the woman who’d make her happier than she’d ever been before was only a few miles away, yet may as well have set up a hospital on the moon? Of course, Taryn understood why Cassie had torn their fledgling relationship asunder. She couldn’t really begin to grasp the guilt and grief Cassie held in her heart and mind over the death of her brother. And of course, she understood that facing that kind of loss again was hard to reconcile.
But life couldn’t be lived on a series of what-ifs. That would drive Taryn crazy. Cassie, on the other hand, was the polar opposite; if she lived regardless of the what-ifs,thatwould drive her crazy. Despite their intense chemistry and absolute compatibility in almost every other area, Taryn’s career was too difficult for Cassie to live with, as was her constant traveling. And Taryn wasn’t about to live a placid, danger-free life on the sidelines.
She figured her remaining time in Vegas would fly by, as time was wont to do. And once she was at Andi’s ranch in Ponder, the distance would lessen the desperate loss, and she could lose herself in the new challenge of expanding Andi’s business—now her business too. New people, new talent, new cities, and new shows. That was a lot of new to keep her mind occupied, to keep her thoughts from refocusing on Cassie. She hadn’t given the venture half a chance, yet it was already losing its shine. Which was stupid, and short-sighted, and not her style at all.
Taryn pushed away the sandwich she’d barely touched, pulled her wooden box closer, and opened it. The check for their first meal together, the ticket stub for the boat rental, movie tickets, even the liberated hotel keycard from Cosmos… The items Taryn had thought would be beautiful reminders of wonderful times were now painful jabs at what she’d lost.
She replaced everything in the box and slammed the lid closed. She didn’t have time for this. Moping around after a woman who didn’t want her…when Taryn had let herself believe it was possible that someone wantedherrather than her stunt personality. Those—what were the kids calling them these days?Situationshipswas the word she’d heard bandied around on ZimTak—those situationships were safer and far easier on her heart. Perhaps they were all she could give herself to, given that her rolling stone attitude wasn’t conducive to any kind of long-term relationship. Maybe Cassie had simply been a wake-up call, someone on Taryn’s path for a limited time to highlight that she needed to make changes, and now she was gone after serving that purpose.
Problem was, Taryn had no idea where to start. She knew she was lost, but without a destination in mind, how on earth was she supposed to find her way? And whatever her journey was, why did she have to travel without Cassie?
Chapter Twenty-Nine
As she applied black eyeliner, the desire to cancel once again crossed her mind. Rachel would understand. Cassie wasn’t ready to go clubbing, or dancing, or enjoying herself. She was content in her self-imposed purgatory. She slipped and almost poked herself in the eye.Concentrate.She steadied her hand and continued. Rachelwouldn’tunderstand at all. Cassie had canceled their plans and been unavailable too many times recently.
Her phone pinged, and she opened it to read a text from Rachel.
I’m just pulling up to your place. Let me in x
Rachel knew her too well and was clearly expecting her attempt to cancel. What better way to circumnavigate that than to simply show up on her doorstep? She put down her makeup tools and padded barefoot to the front door, which she opened just as Rachel looked like she was about to knock.
“Your hot neighbor let me in downstairs,” she said and hustled her way past Cassie.
She closed the door behind Rachel and turned to respond, but Rachel was already halfway down the corridor. Cassie followed her to the kitchen and sat on a stool at the breakfast bar while Rachel helped herself to a large glass of wine from the bottle on the countertop.
“Did you start without me?” she asked.
Cassie shook her head. “That’s been open for a week. It might not be any good.”
“Isn’t wine supposed to get better with age? Like you are.” Rachel winked, took a sip of the wine, and made an appreciative expression. “Tastes all right to me.”
“So is this your proactive way of ensuring I didn’t cancel?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what it is.” She took another glass from the shelf and filled it without asking. “I’ve missed you, and I want to be here for you.” She pushed the glass a little closer to Cassie. “Even if you don’t want me here.”
She laughed lightly. “Of course I want you here. And you have impeccable timing since I was indeed contemplating canceling on you.”
