Rachel nodded. “Has she tried to get in touch with you?”
“Yeah. She’s sent some texts, called, left messages. None of them nice, and none of it an attempt to reconcile. There’s no recognition of wrongdoing on her part at any stage in my life. As far as she’s concerned, she’s the victim. She’s the one who’s been burdened with a thoughtless, uncaring daughter.”
“Is any of her bullshit getting to you?”
“I feel sorry for her, but I know that she’s brought it on herself.” Cassie put her wine glass down and wrapped her arms around her knees. “I’ve almost responded a few times. I’ve typed a response, but I haven’t succumbed to her manipulations and actually sent anything.” She knew she could change her number, but she didn’t want that hassle. If her mom persisted, she’d block her. She looked up at Rachel. “That’s good, right?” She knew the answer, but hearing it would provide some comfort, she was sure.
Rachel slapped her free hand down onto the sofa. “Abso-fricking-lutely that’s good. You’ve workedsohard to get to this stage, and I can see how powerful her hold is and how hard it must be to resist. It’s like being in rehab, but for parent addiction instead of alcohol or drug abuse. Going cold turkey must be so damn hard.”
Cassie smiled, knowing how lucky she was to have just one amazing friend. “I’m so glad I didn’t cancel on you.”
“Huh.” Rachel snorted. “I was never going to let them happen. Not tonight.”
“And I’m through not being wanted.”
“Mm, but apparently, you’re also through with being wanted…”
Cassie frowned at the deliberately obtuse comment. “What are you talking about?”
“Taryn.”
The apartment buzzer sounded. “Saved by the bell,” she said and got up to receive their food. She had a sweet exchange with Yan but had to cut it short when he asked about the new woman in her life. It was nice of him to remember little details from their conversation nearly a month ago, but sometimes…sometimes, it just wasn’t, and the anonymity of fast-food delivery became more appealing.
She returned to the living room and laid out all the containers on the table in front of the couch. Then she retrieved cutlery and plates from the kitchen. “This is way too much food.”
“Nah. This is comfort food, and there can never be enough of that.”
They loaded up their plates with the divine-smelling victuals.
“So. Taryn. She wants you, but you’ve pushed her away,” Rachel said.
Cassie arched her eyebrow and swallowed the mouthful of food she had in her mouth. “Is there a question?”
“My question is why?”
Cassie rolled her eyes. “You know why.”
“Okay. You’re resorting to short, sharp answers… I get your logic behind your reason, but,” Rachel wafted her fork toward Cassie, “are you going to live the rest of your life based on the fear of something that might never happen? Think about how fantastic these past few weeks have been—I know that because you’ve practically sparkled like a diamond since you met Taryn—and so, imagine what you’re missing out on. You’ve just dumped a big part of your past. Maybe it’s time to open up to your future.”
Cassie looked away, unable to bear the intensity of Rachel’s questioning gaze. She closed her eyes to shut out the mental image of Taryn being wheeled into the ER, intoherER. “I’m not strong enough, Rach. I’ve barely healed from the loss of my brother all those years ago, and I know it’s not the same thing. What happened to my brother was an accident, and Taryn isn’t a drunk, nor is she deliberately reckless. She just has a dangerous job—lots of people do, I guess‚ and she could die trying some new stunt. I couldn’t take that kind of grief and loss again. If something happened to Taryn, it would destroy me, once and for all. I’m held together with hope, spit, and willpower, but I’d disintegrate if I let myself fall any deeper and then lost her.”
Rachel grumbled. “You’re a lot stronger than you think you are, but why haven’t you asked her if she’d do something else for a career? If she knew that there was a chance of a future with you, I reckon she’d give up tearing around on a bike for you.”
“Ha.” Cassie shook her head. “There’s no way I could ever ask her to give up her stunting. It’s in her blood. I told you what Gwen and Fig said to me last week. If you take that away from people like Taryn and Fig, you’re crushing their heart.”
“What if her heart beats for you stronger than it ever did for what she does for a living?”
“No. And even if she did give it up for a chance at love, she’d come to resent me for it. She’d miss it, and she’d blame me, even if she didn’t want to.”
Rachel munched noisily on a spring roll and looked thoughtful. “So let me see if I’ve understood you. You’re desperately in love with her, and you want to be with her. But the tiny possibility that she might one day land on her head and die is stopping you from enjoying all the beauty of the moments between now and then, which might be months, years, and decades you could have together?”
Cassie pushed her head back into the cushion. When it was put that way, it did sound weak. But that was her point; shewasweak. “Yes. And it isn’t just a tiny chance. What she does every single day is inherently dangerous.”
Rachel put her plate down, shifted closer to Cassie, and grasped her knee. She looked deep into Cassie’s eyes. “Here’s the kicker, Cass. The fact that life is so fragile is what makes it so fucking beautiful. The fact that it’s finite is what makes every moment special and unique, something to be treasured. You’ve can’tlivein fear ofdeath. She comes for us all. Deathwillcome for Taryn, and you, and me—though I’m going to live gorgeously until I’m a hundred and fifty. But it can’t be avoided, and you can’t hope to fall in love with someone who does a desk job and lives as carefully as humanly possible. Living in the shadow of what could have been the brightest love isn’t living at all. You’re just going through the motions, just existing and surviving. That’s a terrible waste of the most wonderful gift of all.”
“Jesus, that was a hell of a speech. Did you go on a Hallmark movie binge before coming here?”
Rachel laughed, and Cassie joined her until they were laughing so hard, they were crying. It felt good to be parting with tears of joy instead of sadness, but Rachel’s words hit home. Was she betraying the gift of life that had been cruelly ripped away from her brother? What would he have done in this same situation? Would he have wasted an opportunity to love so deeply, to care so profoundly for another?
