“But nothing came of it?”
Susanna shook her head. “I cannot understand what happened.” Seeing Ellen’s eyes filled with confusion, she shook her head. “He promised me that he would go to speak with my father, but only once some matter was concluded. I do not know what it was.”
“But he spoke to you of that, at least. Perhaps it is that which has held you apart from each other?”
Susanna let out a slow breath. “No, I do not think so.The matter that he spoke of - he did not give me any details about it. I did not dare ask for he made it abundantly clear that he would not speak to me of it. He promised me, however, that the moment it was resolved – and he did not think it would be long – he would come and speak with my father. He wanted to court. He wanted to think of engagement. But then, there was naught but silence.”
Ellen frowned. “I do not understand. What happened?”
“He simply stopped seeking me out,” she managed to say, her voice rasping. “There were no more stolen moments, no more smiles or even warm glances between us. He completely withdrew – and then disappeared from society entirely. I spent the rest of the Season without him. There came no letters, no notes, no explanations whatsoever. I have nothing but confusion and doubt – doubt about all that I believed about him and a sense of foolishness over my own heart. I thought that I loved him and that he, in return, loved me.” Tears came into her eyes again, and she blinked them back. “He suggested a future that I ended up longing for, only for my heart to be left empty.”
For a long moment, Ellen said nothing. Then, she shook her head and scowled, her expression dark. “How dare he do such a thing as that?”
This was not the response that Susanna had expected. She had already seen Ellen’s sympathy, but to now see her anger was certainly a surprise. It was not an emotion that she herself had experienced; she considered, mayhap, it was a feeling she should have permitted herself to feel.
“To promise you so many things and then pull away from you without explanation?” Ellen continued, her eyes flashing. “What sort of fellow does he think he is? Is he so arrogant and proud that he thinks he cantreat others just as he pleases and without consequence – and you, especially, being a daughter of a Duke?” She stopped, then held Susanna’s gaze. “Did you speak to your father about it? I am sure he would have been able to do something.”
Susanna shook her head. “No.No other person in my family knew of our connection or anything about what he said to me.”
Ellen grimaced. “Then you have carried this burden alone, yes?”
Closing her eyes briefly, Susanna nodded but said nothing. She could not trust her voice. The weight of it — a full year of silence, of unanswered questions, of smiling at her mother across the breakfast table and pretending nothing was wrong — pressed down on her now with a force she had not expected. She had not realized how heavy the secret had become until this moment, standing on this sunlit path with someone willing to bear part of it with her.
Ellen reached for her hand and squeezed it firmly. “You are not alone in this any longer, Susanna. I want you to know that.”
The simple declaration, spoken with such quiet certainty, nearly undid her.
“That must have been a great struggle and a great burden for you,” Ellen said, gently. “And now, you are forced to face him when he is here in London and traversing society once more!”
“Which is why I reacted as I did when I saw him at the ball,” Susanna explained, as they began to walk again. “My heart has not prepared itself for meeting him again. I have been so upset and confused, I have dreaded the moment of our meeting – and even though I could have spoken to him last evening and moved past that moment, I did not have the strength to do so.”
Her friend sighed heavily. “I cannot imagine how you must feel at this present moment. What a sorrow must be upon your heart!”
Susanna’s throat squeezed. “Yes, it is painful.”
“But I am here with you now, and I can be your support,” Ellen said, determinedly. “You must now show Lord Lancashire that you are not affected by his presence, even if you are inwardly breaking apart.”
A little uncertain that she could even do that sort of thing, Susanna frowned. “I do not know, Ellen. To keep my emotions pushed down as hard as I can will require a great deal of effort – effort I am not certain I have the strength for.”
“But to show him your tears and your heartbreak will do no good,” came the reply, “especially if it is as you fear. If he is so cruel a fellow as to pretend that he felt something for you only to steal a few moments with you, then he will find delight in your pain, I am sure of it. And he will certainly feel no guilt, that is for certain!”
Seeing her friend’s logic, Susanna bit her lip and then pressed her lips tightly together. “I understand what you mean.”
“Do you think you can do it?”
Susanna sighed and shook her head. “I could not do it alone, but if I am to have your stalwart support, then that does change things somewhat.”
Ellen smiled. “I am quite sure that, in time, you might well be able to enjoy this Season – and perhaps find another gentleman who will be far better than Lord Lancashire.”
Susanna winced. “Mayhap, but I confess my heart still lingers in its affection for Lord Lancashire.”
Her friend’s breath caught in a gasp.
“I know, it is quite ridiculous,” Susannacontinued, her face flushing. “I should be turning my back on him. I should be upset and perhaps angry in the same way you are, but my heart will not let him go.”
Ellen’s eyes softened. “I do not think poorly of you, my friend. I wish it were not so, of course, but perhaps in time, that will change.” Her smile brightened her expression. “In fact, I am sure that if we continue through the Season, if you meet and smile and dance and laugh with all the other gentlemen present, you most certainly will forget this foolish Lord Lancashire.”
Susanna managed a small, watery laugh at her friend’s ferocity, then tilted her head. “And what of you, Ellen? You speak with such certainty about dancing and laughing with gentlemen, but I notice you have not mentioned any of your own.” She watched as a telltale flush crept up Ellen’s neck to settle high on her cheekbones. “Do not think I have failed to observe it.”
