I can’t believe it’s been six months since I’ve heard your voice. Touched you. Kissed you. It feels like an eternity. I follow all of your travels on your new blog. It looks like you managed to make it to Hawaii after all. I’m not gonna lie - I cried for about an hour after I saw your photos from that trip. You looked so happy, and I hated not being the one there with you like we planned.
I think seeing that you were in Palm Springs last month was even worse though. Knowing that physically you were so close, but emotionally you were further away than you’ve ever been, and that you were in the place where everything fell apart between us…I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my entire life, Ry. Not because of you—I’m so proud of you for following your heart and satisfying that wanderlust you’ve always had—but because of me. I would give anything to go back to that day in Palm Springs and have the chance to do it differently. No career in the worldis worth losing a love like we had. My therapist helped me realize that I had been struggling with finding joy in my work for a long time before you came into my life, and I think the only reason I was enjoying it so much at the end was that I was doing it with you. But I was too scared to lose the only thing that was ever my own, the thing I spent years building…and I lost you instead. I wish I could take that entire day back. I wish when you’d asked me to take a break from filming I would’ve just said, “okay baby” and spent the rest of the day with you inside me. I’m so sorry that I let my fear and insecurity in myself outside of this career tear us apart, Ry. I’ll never stop regretting that.
But I think my biggest regret is never telling you that I love you. Because of course I do. I did when you were here, and I still do now. I just didn’t know how to say it. I wish I could go back and say it.
I still miss you, sunshine. My life has been colder without you in it.
I love you.
Merry Christmas, Sunshine.
Today kind of fucking sucks, if I’m being honest. It’s the first day in months where I’ve thought it would be really great to just get blackout drunk and skip the whole holiday. And I know I should reach out to someone, but I don’t want to bother my therapist or my friends when they’re spending time with their families, so…I’m writing to you instead.
I got a Christmas tree, and I pulled out the boxes of decorations you put away last year, but I couldn’t bringmyself to open them. So I have a naked tree in my entryway for no reason at all, other than the fact that when I look at it, I think of you. Before you, holidays were just another day on my calendar, but this year hits different after getting to spend them with you.
I miss you every day, but today feels extra hard. I can’t help but think of last Thanksgiving and how incredible it was to feel like I was a part of a family for the first time ever. Or about how you forced me to get a Christmas tree (and the little bit of bondage fun we had with the extra string of lights after), or our slow, lazy Christmas morning together when we slept in late and watched movies on the couch all day. We didn’t even exchange gifts because our relationship was too new for something like that, but everything about that day was perfect.
I wish I could call you today. I would give anything to hear your voice. I want to say hello to Nancy and Whit and Mandy and close my eyes and pretend I’m there. I want to eat cookies and watch movies and be wrapped up in your arms where I feel the most at home.
But instead it’ll just be me and Aggie watching movies on the couch by ourselves. And you know…it’s in those quiet moments that I have learned to fully appreciate the gift that you gave me by loving me. Before you, I didn’t even know I had access to that kind of love. I thought maybe it just wasn’t meant for me. But even after all these months, it echoes deep in my soul—that steady, enduring love that was so very real, and changed my life for the better. And I know that no matter what, it’s something I’ll carry in my heart forever. Thank you for loving me, Riley, even when I was so hard to love. And thank you for showing me that I could love too, in a way I never imagined in my wildest dreams.
Hey Sunshine,
It’s been a while. Next month it will have been a whole year since I’ve seen you, and I have a lot of feelings about that.
I think I probably need to stop writing these now. Part of me was hoping that maybe one day you’d see them somehow, and reach out…but you could have done that with a text or a call or even a DM, and you never have, so I don’t know why I thought you might ever see these and they would change anything. I feel a little embarrassed that I wrote them now, but it helped me process some of my feelings, and my therapist said that’s a good thing.
I don’t blame you at all for not reaching out, by the way. With the way I left things between us that last day, I wouldn’t have reached out either if I were you. I’m so, so sorry Riley. After nearly a year in therapy, I finally realize all of the things I did wrong from that fucking collab with Cooper to that last day in Palm Springs. I’m so sorry that I didn’t know then. My therapist has told me over and over again that because of my past, I didn’t have the tools to be able to deal with any of it in a healthy way, and that the only thing I knew was toxic avoidance…it’s hard for me to not feel like that’s making excuses though. There’s no excuse for the way I treated you, and you were absolutely right to leave. As much as I wanted to believe that it all would have been okay if we could have just ignored the bad parts and started over, I know now that would have only made things worse eventually. You deserved so much better, and I’mglad you recognized that. I’m sorry I couldn’t get it together before it got to the point that you felt like you had no choice but to leave.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you, but I think I have to accept that you’ve moved on. Your travel blog has been a huge hit, and it’s incredible that you’ve been able to turn something you always wanted to do into a job. It feels a little like redemption, after you tried to do that with content creation and I fucked it all up for you. The content you’re putting out now is reaching a much wider audience, and it’s so fucking cool to see. I’m so proud of you, and it’s so obvious how happy you are. I don’t know what’s going on with that Scott guy that travels with you sometimes, and I know I don’t have any right to be jealous…so I’ll just say that I hope you’re happy and that he’s treating you well.
So…I guess that’s all. You deserve the world, Riley.
I will love you forever.
34
LUKE
The buzz of the tattoo needle is oddly relaxing, and I wonder why I never thought to use ink to self-medicate instead of alcohol. Something about the vibration against my chest and the firm pressure of Marco’s gloved hand as he occasionally wipes away the excess ink makes it easy to quiet my mind. I’m not sure any form of self-medication would have been healthier than another…but I survived my fortieth year, and I wanted to celebrate turning forty-one with something meaningful.
I didn’t tell anyone except my therapist that I booked this appointment. My mind was made up, and I didn’t want any of my friends to try and talk me out of it. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do to acknowledge the hardest year of my life. It might not make sense to some, but this tattoo is the perfect reminder of the year of the lowest lows and the most profound growth.
“I’d tell you to take a look and let me know what you think,” Marco drawls as he carefully places the clear bandage over his finished work, “but it’s permanent now, so I guess fuck you if you hate it.”
I laugh at that and hop out of the chair to take a look in the mirror.
I’ve always worked hard on my body, but now more than ever, I like what I see. I’ve been more committed to my overall health this past year, and it shows in my muscle gains, sure, but also in the coloring of my skin, the brightness of my eyes, and the deepening of the smile lines that I used to hate so much. The addition of the bright yellow-orange sun on my left pec makes me grin wide, and I know immediately that this was the right choice.
“It’s perfect, Marco,” I assure him, ghosting my fingers over the bandage.
Riley and I have been apart longer than we were together now, but his love changed my life irrevocably, as did the grief that followed. If it weren’t for him, I never would have known I was capable of that kind of love, and I never would have had the courage to face the deeply rooted attachment issues from my past. He helped me realize that I had spent most of my life just existing, too afraid to be close to anyone or deviate from what I’ve always known. Now, after therapy and reflection and learning to be kind to myself and so much heartache, I’ve come out of this past year more whole than I’ve ever been. So it’s only fitting that I keep my sunshine right next to my heart forever…and right above my piercing he loved so much.
“So, which one of those hurt the most?” I ask Marco, gesturing vaguely up and down the length of his tattooed body as I pull my tank top back over my head. He’s one of a handful of friends I’ve made recently as part of my sober tribe, and it feels good to have a solid group of friends for the first time in my life. It’s still challenging for me to open up fully sometimes, but I’m getting better at it every day.
“Well, these were no walk in the park, that’s for sure,” Marco chuckles, running his hand over his shaved scalp. “Hands andfeet weren’t exactly butterfly kisses either. But it’s worth it. You know.”
“I do,” I agree with a smile, swiping my credit card and writing in a hefty tip. “You coming tonight?”
