“Wouldn’t miss it, brother,” Marco assures me, slapping me on the back. “Not every day I get to celebrate one of the best people I know still being older than me.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I snort, shaking my head. Jess organized a birthday dinner, and it’s the first time I’ve ever celebrated myself as an adult. I actually have friends to invite this year; real ones, not casual business acquaintances I used to see a couple of times a year at gay ticketed events. In the past, something like this would have triggered so much anxiety, but today, I’m kind of excited. It feels good to know that I finally have the family I always wanted—especially because they’rechosenfamily—and that I got there by putting in the work and allowing myself to learn to let people into my life.
I walk out of Marco’s tattoo parlor with a spring in my step and head to the beach to meet Jess for tacos.
“Happy Birthday!” she shrieks as soon as I walk in the door. A few heads turn, and one guy even does a double take, as if he’s trying to figure out where he knows me from. I shush her and sit down quickly with my back to the onlooker. I’ve never been ashamed of my job, but it’s always a strange feeling when a total stranger recognizes me because they’ve seen me naked on the internet.
“You’re going to see me in a few hours. Taking me to lunch too seems like overkill, don’t you think?” I muse, reaching across the table for the menu. I don’t know why I bother to look, I always order the same thing…but maybe today is the day I’ll branch out.
“No way,” Jess says emphatically. “This is the first time you’ve ever let me even acknowledge your birthday, I’m going allout.” She frowns suddenly and grabs my arm as I reach for the chips and salsa. “Hang on, what is that?”
I glance down and see where my tank top is gaping open just enough for the bandage on my chest to be visible. Well, that was the world’s shortest-kept secret. “I got myself a birthday gift.”
Jess’s eyes widen excitedly. “That looks like a tattoo bandage! You got a tattoo and didn’t tell me?! I would have gone with you!”
“I know, I just kind of wanted to do it for myself, you know?” I pop a chip into my mouth and pause to order a ginger ale when the waitress stops by.
“So let me see it!” Jess says impatiently, wiggling in her seat. “What did you get?”
I sigh and roll my eyes, pulling my shirt aside to reveal the fresh ink.
Jess’s hazel eyes widen and flick between my face and my chest a few times. “Is that for…?”
“Yes,” I answer quickly, suddenly feeling insecure about what she might think or say about it. I remember some of the coping mechanisms I learned in therapy, and remind myself that even if Jess doesn’t agree or approve, it doesn’t mean that I made a bad decision or that she doesn’t love me still, and the truth of those reminders chases away the fear.
“Well, it’s beautiful work,” she says after a moment. “Did Marco do it for you?”
“Of course,” I reply, grinning. “There’s no one else I would have asked.”
Jess tilts her head and swirls her straw in her soda, studying me for a moment. There’s no judgment in her tone when she asks, “What made you decide to get a tattoo for Riley?”
Now I understand the hesitation. She’s rarely mentioned him by name over the past year, because for a long time, it hurt me to hear it. I suspect that they’ve kept in touch, even though Rileyshut down his Fanboy site, but I’ve never asked. I’m not sure if it would make me feel better or worse to know that they were talking this whole time.
“He changed my life,” I say softly. “I don’t think I ever would have gotten to this amazing place I’m in now without him.” I swallow hard at the unexpected emotion rising. I haven’t cried in a while; mostly when I think of Riley now, it’s with love and admiration. I still keep up with his travels, but not as much as I used to, now that Scott seems to be a permanent fixture in his life. I want him to be happy, but I’m not sure I’m ready to see him with someone else yet.
Jess sits back against the booth, a glint in her eye that I can’t decipher. “I’m glad you brought that up, because there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
My heart stutters for a beat and then picks up the pace. I haven’t really talked about Riley with anyone but my therapist in so long, I’m suddenly not sure if I’m ready for whatever she’s about to say. I busy myself looking at the menu again just so I can have something to do with my hands.
“How’s work been going?”
It wasn’t the question I was expecting at all, and my eyes immediately fly back to my friend. “Fine,” I say cautiously. “Why do you ask?”
The truth is, work has never felt more tedious and exhausting. I’ve limited the pool of creators I work with, and most of my scene partners are people I’ve worked with before and can feel comfortable with, but I still don’t enjoy the actual act of having sex on camera anymore. I love when I can work with another creator who has a similar vision as me and is more focused on the overall vibe and visuals of the video rather than just a quick trip to pound town recorded on a cell phone, and I enjoy the actual process of editing and making the videos look beautiful. But sex itself just isn’t that enjoyable to me anymore.
I’ve wondered if I’m finally burnt out, but I’m actually starting to think maybe I lean closer to demisexual on the spectrum of sexuality. In hindsight, sex has never been aneedfor me in the same way that it seemed to be for other gay men, and I just assumed it was because I was getting plenty in my job. But I was always reluctant to go out and get it outside of work, and once I experienced the intense emotional connection of sex with Riley, doing the deed just for the purpose of getting off doesn’t really work for me anymore. At times, I struggle to even get hard with a scene partner. Prior to Riley, I thought it might just be due to my age, but I don’t think I’ve ever been as hard in my entire life as I always was with Riley. The sight and the feel and the smell of him were more arousing than anyone else, and I could never last very long with him.
I don’t think I’ve ever really believed in soulmates, and I don’t want to start now, because I can’t let myself entertain the idea that I may have had mine and pushed him away. But there’s no denying the sex between us was on another level than anything I’ve ever experienced before or since.
“I don’t know if you’ve looked at your numbers lately,” Jess begins, “but your backlogged content is selling twice as much as your new content.”
I frown. “So…what does that mean?”
“Well, by my calculations…it means you can quit, Luke.”
My heart leaps at the same time my stomach drops. Quit? On the one hand, nothing sounds better, but on the other hand is the familiar fear of the unknown. “I’m not following your logic there, boss,” I say slowly.
“Your subscriptions have been steady,” she explains. “There was a little dip after Riley quit working, but your videos with him are still your bestsellers, and there are a lot of them. There’s a noticeable difference in your content before and after Riley, too—your new work isn’t bad, not by a long shot, but your heartisn’t in it anymore, and it shows. Whether the fans realize that consciously or not, I couldn’t say, but most of your subs are buying your old content.” She leans forward, placing her elbows on the table and folding her hands. This is Boss Jess now. “What I’m saying is, you’re generating enough income on subscriptions and existing content that you could keep your page active and survive on promoting videos you already have without taking a hit to your bank account. The new videos just aren’t making that big of a dent in your bottom line, so if you don’t want to keep doing them, you don’t have to.”
