33
LUKE
Hey Sunshine,
I don’t know if this message will even send, since you deactivated your Fanboy account…but your page still shows in my connections, so I’m going to give it a shot.
It’s been a month, and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to how lonely the house is without you in it. Every piece of you is gone. Your shoes by the door…the book you always insisted you were reading on the coffee table…Your side of the closet is empty, and your side of the bed, too.
I hate it here now. I hate the quiet. I hate how big the bed feels. I don’t want to sleep here alone anymore, Ry. It’s still hard to fall asleep without your arms around my waist and your breath on the back of my neck. I want to forget what it felt like to hold you and kiss you and laugh with you. I want to forget how much better I felt with you. But I don’t want that at all, because that would mean forgetting you, and my life was so much better with you in it. I don’t want to forget that I’m capable of feeling that way…but god, baby…nothing has ever hurt like this. I think you must have taken my heart with you when you left, because I can’t fucking bear the pain that’s left where it once was.
I’m so scared, Ry. I’m scared to live in a world without the sun. You’re supposed to be here. I just want you to come home.
I haven’t worked in a month, which I think is just a cruel joke the universe is playing on me. The thing I told you I couldn’t do is happening anyway, and it turns out that I have enough content backlogged that taking a month off barely made a dent. So I fucked everything up for no reason at all. I hate myself for that.
I just fucking miss you so much.
Hey Sunshine,
This morning I went for a run on our beach and saw Jello for the first time in a while. I was starting to wonder if she left me too because she knew what I did to you…crazy, right? I took a picture and wanted to text it to you so badly, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear from me. And I don’t blame you.
I finally stopped drinking. Even went to a couple of recovery meetings. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic…well, not yet, anyway. But I was probably headed that direction. You were right that I was drinking too much, and I was relying on it to help my anxiety in a way that wasn’t healthy. Jess called me out on it too on my birthday, but it took me a while to actually quit. It’s just been so hard to cope without you here…I just wanted something that would make me forget what a mess I am. You know? No…you probably don’t. You’ve always been so strong and so secure. I wish I could be more like that.
But I’m trying. I met a couple of really cool people at the meetings and they helped me get into a daily routine so that I’m not just lying in bed all day. It got pretty bad there, for a minute. Jess hired a housekeeper, even though I told her no—you know how I am about that. But I wasn’t doing it, and I guess I’m lucky to have someone that cares enough to put their foot down and take care of the necessities for me.
I’ve been off work for almost two months now, and I know I have to go back soon. I don’t know if I’m ready, but I don’t think I have a choice.
Anyway, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. The last message sent, but I don’t think it went anywhere. I don’t really know. It makes me feel a little better to be able to write to you though, even if I know you’ll never see it. I guess it makes me feel closer to you since you’ve been quiet on social media lately (other than the post for my birthday…which meant a lot, by the way). I hope you’re okay. It’s driving me crazy not knowing. Maybe you could post something for me? I know I don’t have the right to ask that, and you won’t see this anyway.
I did my first collab tonight.
I had to take a pill to get hard, and even that barely worked. All I could think the entire time was…what the fuck am I doing?
I said I quit drinking, but…I’m gonna go get shitfaced now.
I’m sorry, sunshine. I tried.
Hey Sunshine,
I saw your post last night about watching Friends and I cried when I saw your caption: “Some nights I miss this.” I miss it every fucking day. The bed doesn’t smell like you anymore, and that feels like just one more piece of you that’s been taken away. You’re disappearing from my life a day at a time. They say time heals all wounds, but I call bullshit because the time seems to only numb wounds that are nowhere close to healed.
I also saw that you’re going to Mexico next weekend - first time out of the country. I wish I could have those experiences with you, but I’m really glad you’re traveling. I know how much you wanted to see the world, and you deserve to have everything you want. I hope you post pictures. Even though it hurts to see you living your life without me, I’m so fucking proud of you for keeping your head up and going after the things you want.
I’ve stayed sober since that first collab; six weeks as of yesterday. I started therapy too. That’s been…really hard, actually. She’s helped me realize that “my abandonment issues have prevented me from forming meaningful connections” and that I’m apparently “emotionally unavailable.” That was a pretty hard pill to swallow. But she’s helping me work on it, and I think it’s going good so far.
I’m back working full time now, but I don’t think it’s ever going to be the same as it was with you. It’s not as bad as it was that first night, but I don’t know how much longer Ican keep doing this work. That scares me, because I’m not sure what I would do instead, you know? This is all I’ve ever known.
I’ve been learning how to take things one day at a time though, and I’ve gotten into a really good routine. I’m working out, eating well, and walking Aggie a lot. I picked up racquetball too; you’d be surprised how therapeutic it is to beat the shit out of a little rubber ball. I wish you were here to do all these things with me, and I think Aggie does too. She still checks your side of the bed first thing every morning when she wakes up, which breaks my heart all over again.
Hey Sunshine,
It’s been a really fucking hard week. I saw that you went to Costa Rica with some guy named Scott, and I kinda freaked out. I don’t know who he is to you, but of course my mind immediately went to the worst possible scenario. But I think maybe I’m doing a little better after all, because instead of letting myself get to a really dark place, I scheduled an extra therapy session. She got an earful that day, but I really did feel better after talking about my feelings.
I’m still staying sober, and I’m pretty proud of myself for that. I’ve been hanging out with Dante a lot, actually. He doesn’t drink either, I don’t know if you knew that. He’s kinda like me - not an addict, but he decided a few years back that drinking isn’t good for his mental health and he quit. It’s been nice to have someone who can relate. He asksabout you sometimes and always says if I talk to you to send his best.
I really want to talk to you. There have been so many times I’ve had my phone in my hand, a second away from pressing that call button…but my job hasn’t changed, and I don’t think it would be fair to you to call just because I miss you when you’re doing so well. I don’t want to fuck up a good thing for you again. But you can always call me if you want to, Ry. I really hope you know that. I’ll always be here for you.
Hey Sunshine,
