I look at my employees, my friends and realize how closed off I have been with them. Not only did I shut them out from really getting to know me but I barely took the time to really get to know them. Sure I helped when it was needed, but that isn’t the same as bonding with the people that clearly care.
I guess I always thought that since I wanted my life to stay private, I had no right to ask them to open up to me or maybe I just didn’t want to give them a chance to find out about my past. I think about the conversation I had with Ryan about his brother. I think that might have been the most personal conversation I’ve had with him, with any of them. What I said that day was true. I’m here for him. For all of them. So maybe it’s time to let them be here for me too.
“Hey, guys,” I interrupt their conversation. “I owe you all an apology.” They look at me, confused. “I realize I haven’t been a good friend to you, and I’m sorry for that.”
“What are you talking about? Who says you weren’t?” Nyx’s surprised voice vibrates through the now quiet room.
“I do. I was so deep in my own shit that I didn’t pay any attention to you. And since someone pointed out to me today that I might need some help, I want to start by saying that I want to be a better person. Better friend, better boyfriend.” Pete leans in and leaves a kiss on my cheek and squeezes my hand for reassurance.
“Better boss?” Carter suggests and Pete gasps at his words.
“You shut your mouth right now.” He stands in my defense.
“I’m kidding.” Carter laughs. “Seriously, where is this coming from? I always thought of you as my friend, and nothing will change that. You know…” he pretends to whisper, “...you need to hide a body? I’ll grab a shovel and meet you in the woods.” He winks.
“That’s extreme, but what he said. Plus my fiancé is a lawyer, so he has connections.” Ryan winks before continuing. “You were always there for me from the beginning. You took a chance on me Gav. I can never repay you for that. Don’t sell yourself short. And don’t listen to Carter, I wouldn’t be working here this long if you weren’t a good boss.”
“Come on, I was joking,” Carter whines.
“Gavin, do you remember the first few months I worked here?” Nyx asks. I really wish I could forget what happened then. “You were the first one to notice that something was up. You offered me a place to stay so I could heal and recuperate. I was grateful you didn’t push me to talk about it. You knew it wasn’t what I needed back then. If it wasn’t for you, who knows where I would be right now.” She smiles and pats my arm in a reassuring gesture. “If that doesn’t mean you’re a good friend then I don’t know what does.”
That lump is back in my throat so all I can do is give a curt nod. Pete’s arms close around my neck.
“We all love you Gavin. You are a great man. No matter what that brain of yours is telling you.” They all nod at Pete’s words. And all I can do is thank them silently with my eyes because I can’t trust my voice to actually work.
CHAPTER 22
PETE
It’s been a seriously long day. My head and body still hurt from last night but my heart? My heart is so full it’s fit to burst. He loves me. My Grumpy Bear loves me. It’s all I can think about as we drive back to his apartment after his little heart-to-heart with the guys at the shop. We haven’t spoken any more about Adam and how the guilt of his death is crushing Gavin from the inside. I want to reassure him again that it wasn’t his fault and that he couldn’t have known, but now isn’t the time. He’s too raw, too emotional and too damn tired.
Gavin drops his keys on the table in the hall as he kicks off his boots with a long groan of satisfaction. He’s been wearing these clothes and boots since last night and after sleeping on the floor of his office I have no doubt that he needs a long hot shower before he passes out. “Come on baby, let’s get you into the shower then bed okay?” I tell him with my no-nonsense tone. I won’t let him push me away anymore. He nods and reaches for my hand and I smile as I lead us into the bathroom.
Flicking on the shower to heat up I turn to Gavin and see him slumped against the counter, his hands rubbing over his tired face, his usually slicked back hair falling into his eyes. Moving to stand in front of him I start working on the buttons of his shirt. I can smell the stale whiskey clinging to the material and I know without looking that Gavin is blushing with embarrassment, but I don’t say anything because it doesn’t matter. Dropping the shirt to the floor I place a soft kiss on his furry chest before stepping back to work open his belt. I’ve done this so many times now that it’s second nature to slide my hand over the bulge in his jeans but I refrain. This isn’t about getting off.
I push his jeans to the floor and let him kick them off as I quickly work on my own clothes and step under the hot spray. I feel Gavin closing in behind me and his presence is so big he practically sucks all the air out of the confined space. Turning to meet his eyes I begin to wash his body. He’s talked enough today. Tonight I think he just needs some quiet.
Getting into bed wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt is new, especially with Gavin sliding in behind me.
“How’s your head?” he whispers into the crook of my neck as his big arm slides around my waist to pull my body flush against his. I can hear the tiredness in his voice and I know it won’t be long until his breathing evens out.
“Thrumming a little but let’s get some sleep to make it all better.” He squeezes me tighter against him and kisses the back of my neck softly.
“Love you, Jellybean,” he whispers, before sleep takes him.
As tired as I am, I can’t seem to shut down my brain. The image of Gavin breaking down and sobbing for hours against my chest keeps replaying in my mind. His pain was physical, I could practically feel it. I just wanted to reach out and take it from him. How he’s still functioning after so many years of living with that kind of guilt is beyond me. It’s easy to see why he turned to alcohol back then and it’s a testament to how strong he is that he was able to quit and stay sober for so long. He’s been battling the darkness, as he calls it, all by himself for most of his life.
Well I say fuck you darkness, I’m the motherfucking sunshine and you can’t have my man.
GAVIN
I snap my eyes open, panic taking over my body. It takes me a second to realize I’m in my bed and Pete is right next to me. Deep in sleep, alive and safe. He looks so peaceful. I can’t believe I almost lost him.
The things he said to me yesterday… Jesus, I was so afraid I’d lost him. Instead he gave me hope. Hope for the future, hope for a future with him.
He stirs beside me. I roll to my side and wrap him in my arms, pulling him close to me.
“Mmmm, what time is it?” he mumbles in his sleep.
