“His dad caught us kissing goodnight outside his house. We thought the old man was asleep but nope he was waiting up, watching and when he saw me lean over and kiss Adam before he got out of the car, he stormed out of the house and almost beat him to death right in front of me. I begged and screamed and tried to pull him off but nothing would work. The things he was saying, promising to repeat the beating every day until Adam was ‘right’ and ‘normal’.” I hear the gasp of shock and the roll of outrage that courses through Pete as I relive the worst night of my life.
“The police came, I think the neighbor must have called them. They took his dad away in handcuffs and brought Adam to the hospital. I stayed with him all night even though I wasn’t supposed to be there. Thankfully he was okay. Nothing was broken, just bruises and cuts. I stayed until the doctors said he was safe to go home. There were no signs of concussion or anything. We drove back to his house in silence. I knew it must have been hard for him to go there but with his dad gone it was the only place we could go. My grandparents’ house was too far away and honestly I just didn’t want to stress out my grandpa. So we went to his house and I put him to bed to rest, so I could go fill his prescription and grab a change of clothes.
“I was only gone a few hours. When I came back he was still in bed, except he was cold, so cold. I tried to wake him. Shook his body over and over. I called 911. I thought it had something to do with his injuries, that maybe they had missed something. When I saw the empty pill bottle it hit me. I’d lost him. He’d taken his own life.” Pete’s grip on me tightens and I know I could probably stop now and that would be enough but he deserves to know everything, how I really failed Adam.
“At his funeral, the neighbor, the one who called the cops, told methat Adam’s dad was a nasty drunk. She said that Adam’s mom left when he was ten years old and his dad blamed him. She told me she called CPS several times to try and help Adam. I don’t think he ever hit him before that night. If he had I never saw any bruises on his body. The scars he left were in his mind. He grew up believing that his mom left because of him and his dad hated him for it. I… I had no idea. He never told me how hard it was for him, only that he couldn’t wait to get out. I guess his dad’s words as he beat him, the horrible vile things he said and the promises he made were too much to ignore. He thought he had no way out. If he had told me, if I had known–” My words cut off as a broken sob leaves my lips and I cry against Pete’s chest. I cry for Adam and for twenty-year-old me and I cry for the life I can never have with the man in my arms. There is no way he can love me now. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”
I forgive you, Gavin.
CHAPTER 21
PETE
I thought I was devastated for Gavin when he told me about his parents and grandparents, but it’s nothing compared to this. I can feel his pain radiating from his very soul with every tear that falls. How long has he been carrying this burden around in his chest? Believing that somehow it was his fault or that it was his responsibility to save Adam from the trauma of his life.
Wrapping my arms tighter around his body, still braced on his lap, I hold him against me, trying to give him an anchor in this moment so that he doesn’t lose himself again in the sea of misery and memories. He had no one back then, no one he felt he could turn to except alcohol, but he has me now and I won’t let him drown.
We stay there, on the cold linoleum floor of his office. The silence in the room becomes somewhat of a comfort after so many words of heartbreak and pain. I’m not sure how long we have been sitting here for, minutes maybe, could be hours for all I know, but I don’t care. I’ll stay here for days if that’s what Gavin needs. I hold him close to my chest, swaying our bodies from side to side as I lightly stroke his hair. Eventually his sobbing stops and his breathing begins to return to normal. I feel the moment he tenses up. Like the reality of this moment has finally registered with him and he’s getting ready to pull away.
“You know what I thought to myself a few days ago?” I ask softly as I smile at the memory. “You were so happy, talking to your client, laughing at something he said. And I thought that I’ll have to come up with another nickname for you, because you’re not grumpy anymore.” I pull back enough to search his red-rimmed eyes before lightly kissing the tip of his nose.
He clears his throat. “You make me happy, Pete,” he admits, his eyes never leaving mine.
“Do you think I’m happy?” I raise an eyebrow daring him to deny it.
“You’re the epitome of happiness, baby.” He puts a hand on my cheek. “You are the brightest point of everyone’s day.”
“Do you know why that is?”
“Because that’s who you are. And I never want that to change.” His voice shakes for a moment, like he’s building up to tell me what I don’t want to hear. He truly believes that he is darkness, that he’s going to eclipse my light.
“That’s right baby, that’s who I am, that’s who I will always be, but do you know when I’m happiest?” I force his head up to make sure that he’s looking at me, that he can see the truth in my eyes. “I’m like a supernova when you look at me, baby, when I’m in the same room as you, just breathing the same air, I light up inside. Don’t think I didn’t hear you say you love me Gavin Savenger, you can’t take that back. I worked too damn hard for it. So if you want me to be happy, to shine, then you will tell me again and again and again for the rest of our lives, because guess what? I love you too.”
“I don’t deserve your love Pete, look at me, I’m a mess,” he whispers so weakly, sounding so defeated but I just shake my head. Hasn’t he realized now I don’t give up?
“You may be a mess, but you’re my mess. And what’s more fun than cleaning up messes together?” I think about all the things he confessed, about the way he felt for all these years. And I know what has to come next. “Remember when you told me about your parents and grandparents?” He nods and I continue. “Did you ever go to therapy back then?”
Shaking his head, he scoffs. “When I was six, therapy wasn’t something so common like it is now, Jellybean. And when Adam died the only therapy I got was at the bottom of a bottle.”
“No, I get it. I was just wondering if you would consider going now? Dealing with the guilt of Adam’s death even though it wasn’t your fault, I can see how heavy that guilt weighs on you and with an addiction on top of that, it’s too much for one person alone. And I know you’re strong, you kept from drinking for ten years all by yourself, and that’s saying something. But you’re not alone anymore. You have amazing friends and a kickass boyfriend. We want to help you, to be there for you. I’m sure that somewhere in that hard head of yours you know I’m right. Will you just think about it?” I hope he says yes, but whatever his decision will be, he has me in his corner now. And I’m not going anywhere.
GAVIN
Jesus, therapy. Could I really go to therapy? It feels like I just cut myself open and let my insides roll out across the floor and I’m supposed to do that again, in front of a stranger? It’s not like I haven’t thought about it over the years. Maybe not therapy but AA meetings. They seemed to work for so many people but I just couldn’t bring myself to sit there with strangers and talk about my past and the reasons I used alcohol as a crutch. I was ashamed of myself, still am, but the way Pete is looking at me now with so much hope and determination in his eyes, how can I tell him no. How can I tell him it’s too hard or that I’m not strong enough. I want to be strong for him and for me.
“Okay, I’ll go to therapy.” The words have barely left my lips before he’s on me. Kissing me like I don’t smell of whiskey and sadness. It’s then that the office door bangs open again, except this time it is Ryan closely followed by Carter and Nyx. All three of them look beside themselves with worry and I wince in shame.
“You found him? Why didn’t you call?” Ryan asks as he slowly lowers himself to the floor beside us. Completely ignoring the empty whiskey bottle at his feet.
“We had some things to work out. I’m sorry, guys,” Pete tells them but his eyes barely leave mine, like he knows how embarrassed I must feel to let my employees, my friends, see me like this.
“You all good boss?” Carter asks as he lays his hand on my shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze. I nod, patting his hand.
“I’m sorry for worrying you guys, that was an asshole move. I… I just had some things going on, but it’s no excuse. It won’t happen again,” I say, and I mean it too. I won’t ever put my friends or my Jellybean through that again.
“What do you say we take this party to the break room? I’ll go grab us some late lunch and some coffee. We have no appointments for today so we have time,” Nyx announces then turns and leaves expecting us all to just follow her, which naturally we do because Nyx can be scary when she wants to be.
As we all sit in the break room around the small table littered with coffee and eating snacks, conversations and jokes flow naturally, like something monumentally embarrassing hadn’t just happened. I take in the way none of them have mentioned the fact I was holed up in my office drinking myself into a stupor, or how I ran out on Ryan at the hospital or even the way they found me on the floor being consoled by Pete.
