“It is likely that you will have recurring headaches for the next few days but as long as you rest and stay hydrated you will make a full recovery. I also recommend that you report this incident to the local police department as soon as possible,” he advises me, then lets me know I am free to leave as long as I am not going home alone. Gavin. I want to go home with Gavin.
Where the hell are you? Think, Pete. Where would he go? Realization hits me. I recall one of our conversations when he told me about one place that brings him peace. You better be there, boyfriend.
GAVIN
I’m laying on my back on the floor of my office. My vision blurred from the alcohol and tears, an empty bottle of whiskey laying beside me. It should’ve numbed the pain in my chest but it didn’t.
I should call someone and confront the reality but how can I bring myself to do it when I’m dreading what I might hear.
You should’ve stayed there.
Ugh, why won’t you just shut up.
You know it’s true. You left him there alone.
He was dying.
You don’t know that. Why? Because you left.
Of course I fucking left. I failed him. Just like I failed you.
You stupid motherfucker. You still don’t get it, do you? There was nothing you could’ve done to help me. I didn’t want to live. But he does. He’s the definition of being alive.
He was, and then I watched as that life drained out of him.
Where is my phone anyway? I think about it and remember that I left it in my car after I drove myself here. I don’t even know what time it is. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters if he’s gone.
I hear the door jingle and close my eyes. I knew someone would find me eventually. I prepare myself for Ryan and Carter barging in with accusations and insults. I can sense someone standing in the doorway, watching me. I refuse to look, keeping my eyelids closed. Someone walks in and stands beside me. And just as I’m about to beg for them to just get it over with, say what they need to say or kick me in the balls to replace the pain I’m feeling in my chest with another kind of pain, that someone lays right next to me, putting their head on my shoulder. I don’t move, I don’t breathe.
“I’m here, Grumpy Bear.” Is this a dream? He can’t be here with me. “I’m here, come back to me.”
“Jellybean.” I pull him on top of me and when his curls brush my neck I grab him tightly. Even if this isn’t real, it has to be Heaven right?
“I’m here, I’m okay,” he assures me and I can feel him trying to move but I’m not able to let him go. I need to breathe him in.
“I thought…” I can’t find the right words. How am I supposed to tell him I lost it? I thought I lost him the same way I lost Adam so many years ago.
“I know. I’m sorry I put you through that.” I jerk up at the apology. He sits on my lap, looking into my eyes, his so full of understanding and concern that I don’t deserve. I take my time to assess his appearance, letting my hand slowly ghost over his face, his neck, his chest. This must be Heaven. He is too perfect for this world and the notion that he would so easily forgive me is simply preposterous.
“Why are you apologizing? It’s not your fault. I’m the one that is sorry.” I cradle his face and stroke his cheeks with my thumbs. “I didn’t protect you, I failed you and you’re not the first one I’ve failed.” The confusion on his face urges me to continue but the words are stuck in my throat or maybe my brain is still swimming in whiskey. Either way when I open my mouth nothing comes out.
Dropping my head to my chest and pressing my forehead to Pete’s I take a deep breath willing my mind and my body to cooperate. I need to tell him about Adam. Maybe then he will understand why I’m no good for him. His words cut through my thoughts, his pleading tone forcing me to lift my head to look at him.
“Talk to me baby, what do you mean you didn’t protect me? Or that you failed me?” He leans back, taking my face in his hands. “Maybe I can’t remember what happened, but from what everyone told me you were the one to catch me, you were the one to hold me in your arms when I was unconscious.” Choking back a sob I lift my hands to cover his, needing that extra contact.
“Pete, I watched the life seeping out of you, because of drugs. I can’t forgive myself for letting that happen again to someone I love. I couldn’t take it and what was my solution? To drink myself to death, just like last time. Except, it never worked before. I’m happy it worked this time. I couldn’t keep on living knowing I failed you.” He forcefully lifts my head to hold my gaze on his.
“Gavin, I’m not dead, and neither are you,” he whispers, then drops his face pressing a firm kiss to my lips. “I’m not dead, you never failed me baby, I’m right here. Feel me, feel my heart,” he urges, pressing my hand to his chest. I feel it. The soft steady rhythm of his heart, his body is warm and there are tears falling from his eyes.
“You’re alive?” I whisper in awe as he nods and wipes at his tears.
I take a long moment to just take him in before slowly pulling his hands from my face then dropping a kiss to each knuckle. He’s alive. He has a second chance at life. I can’t fuck it up for him. “Don’t you see that I’m damaged? I didn’t want to drag you into my darkness but it happened anyway. Look at me, I’m a thirty-seven-year-old man whose response to difficult situations is to drink a gallon of Jack. I’m no good for you. I’ve been so selfish thinking I could keep you.” I can feel the tears tracking down my face again but they don’t matter, nothing matters but the man in front of me. “I’m so fucking glad you’re okay and I’m so fucking sorry for letting it happen and for running away.” I drop my head to his chest again, wrapping my arms around his body planning to hold him for as long as he will let me. Which is already longer than I deserve.
“There is so much to unpack in what you just said, but can we go back to the part when you said I wasn’t the first person you failed?” I sigh and nod at his question. He needs to know but I can’t bring myself to look at him while I rip open these old wounds.
“When I was nineteen I met the most amazing guy, we hit it off instantly. He was so full of life and breathed joy into everybody he met. You remind me of him sometimes.” Pausing to take a breath I feel Pete’s fingers carding through my hair, giving me time to gather my thoughts or my courage. Or maybe both.
“We fell in love and it was wonderful but he wasn’t out to his parents or anybody really and I was okay with that you know, just because my grandparents were cool didn’t mean everybody else was that lucky. Adam definitely wasn’t that lucky. He always knew his dad wouldn’t approve, but he figured if he could just keep it a secret until we could save up enough money to leave town it would be okay. And it was, for over a year we kept it secret, stealing moments whenever we could.” A breath shudders out of me along with another sob but all the while Pete keeps softly stroking my hair.
