So why the fuck didn't I give him the benefit of the doubt? Why did I have to go straight to the worst-case scenario? Is my damage so deep that I can't see past his mistakes? Maybe he's right? Maybe I need more time to deal with my own issues before trying to build a future with anybody.
When I make it back to Nyx’s that evening, I feel like a shell of the man she saw during game night just a few days ago. Her head pops up over the back of the couch as I close the apartment door, and I swear she gasps when she sees me and rushes to me. I must really look like shit because she wraps her arms so tight around me and starts to rock me like a child.
“What the fuck happened? You look like you have been crying for hours.” She's not wrong, I have been. I left Drew’s place and drove out of town before parking my car in some abandoned car park and just sat there crying. My heart hurts, my body hurts.
Everything fucking hurts, so it’s no wonder I look like shit.
My throat is raw, and I can't form words anyway. I just burst into tears again as she guided me upstairs to the spare room I've been calling home for three weeks. The space doesn't look inviting anymore. It feels like a prison cell. Not that I deserve to sleep in a comfortable place. I should be left in my misery because I'm a fucking idiot.
Fumbling for my phone as Nyx lowers my rattling body to the end of the bed, I have the overwhelming urge to call my mom. We don't speak every day like Drew speaks to his family. That's probably my fault, but she's always there when I need her.
Right now I definitely need to hear her voice.
Nyx watches as I pull up her contact details, then nods silently, leaving the room to give me some privacy. As expected, she answers on the second ring. Her voice is warm and comforting.
“Mom,” It's all I get out before my sobs break through again.
Almost an hour and what looks like thirty-five tissues later, I’ve managed to stop all the water in my body from leaving through my tear ducts. I’ve cried a fucking river, and I’m exhausted mentally and physically. Nyx brought me some hot tea at one point, just tip-toeing in and leaving it on the bedside table for me.
With how drained I am, as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m out.
The next morning, my alarm blares loudly in the room, making me groan and rub my sore face. Jesus, I cried so much my face still hurts, but I think I needed it.
Talking with my mom was the right thing to do. She patiently listened while I explained everything that had happened since my art show. I realized I hadn't even spoken to her since she called to wish me luck that night.
So, I added being a shitty son to the list of sins I was confessing to.
Not once did she judge me, not even for the stupid mistake I made in jumping to conclusions after Ben's visit to Savage Ink. I was judging myself plenty enough for both of us.
'Don't you see silly boy. You both have flaws, and that man loves you because of them most of the time. Doesn't he deserve the same? So what if he has to work late sometimes? It's your job to bring him dinner at his desk and remind him that he needs some rest. A relationship isn't always fifty-fifty Ryan. Sometimes it's forty-sixty or eighty-twenty. Sometimes the other person might need you to pick up the slack, and that's okay because at some point you will need help too.'
Her words play through my mind all morning. I shower, dress, make coffee, and head to work on autopilot. I barely acknowledge any of the guys. I simply walk straight back into my room to hold my head in my hands over my computer because I’m nowhere near close to figuring out what the fuck I’m doing with my life.
Sometimes, it seems too easy. The decision to leave Drew had been right. I stand by that. I needed to leave, and he needed to do better. And now that he’s doing the fucking best, I’m the one fucking up and falling into old patterns that I made him swear not to go back too. Everything is so fucked up.
I’m just starting to get ready for my first client when Gavin calls me from the waiting room.
“Listen up, guys!” He starts as he sees me entering the room. “We got it!” We all look at him, confused. “We have sponsors for our art show.” They all start to cheer, and I master a small smile.
“Ry, your idea was great. I wasn’t sure how it would work logistically, but I think we’re going to pull it off after all. A lot of the local businesses in this district are all for it” Gavin praises me, and I feel a lead weight in my stomach.
“It was Drew’s idea.” I murmur to myself. It was all him.
He always knew what I needed. He always ensured I had everything from art supplies to the oil change in my car. He even fucking knew I would want to take two puppies and didn’t make a problem out of it. And what did I do when he was the one that needed my support?
“Fuck me.”
Everyone turned to look at me.Oops, did I say that out loud?
“What?” They ask in unison.
“Guys, what are you doing tomorrow?” I made my decision. “I need a favor.”
CHAPTER 20
DREW
After Ryan left, visibly upset and still trying to convince me he didn't need any more time, I allowed myself to break.
